Canada (Soviet Canuckistan,The Shizzle North of Hizzle) Eh??

[jetsetter]

Don't try to deny these well known facts......

Canada, also known as America's Frosted Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, Canadia or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as "The Great White North", is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh?

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting

The world sees Canada as America's dorky half brother, (although Canada sees the USA as a retarded cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).

To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land, and vary vary littel gravity. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beaver quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on UN tours or backpacking around Europe, aren't generally of use for defense, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not.

Measuring the beaver depth with sonar experiments was tried, but Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Lee was quoted as saying, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" [ba dum-dum!!]. Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts about 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, eh.

Canada's education system consistently ranks in top three for North America, and is known for turning out such famous individuals such as... uhh... I'll get back to you on that one.

The secret to Canada's wild success in educating their masses? The truth is rather simple, the children all pass because the teachers are only capable of giving one grade: an "Eh?"

The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.

Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money, eh?

The Canadian dollar, a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running about 88¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating). Conversely, the two dollar coin is called a "Toonie". This is because Bugs Bunny is featured on the reverse.

Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind.

The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).

It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade, culture, language, vices, physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Canada

Now, before you respond remember that most of this information is indeed true.

[Viper007Bond]

Uncyclopedia

[jetsetter]

And for those who don't know:

[Viper007Bond]

Originally Posted by jetsetter

And for those who don't know:

Santa lives in Canada?!?

Canada's education system consistently ranks in top three for North America

[CraigB]

Canada, eh...

[jetsetter]

Originally Posted by Viper007Bond

Santa lives in Canada?!?

Don't worry!!!!!!!!!!!

North Pole, Alaska


........

[epp_b]

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting

Nobody can deny that!


So...is this the official "Flame the Canucks" thread or what?

[chaos386]

Originally Posted by Viper007Bond

Uncyclopedia

x2

[BerserkerCatSplat]

Hahaha, I love it! God knows I'm swimming in wet beavers!

[nomix]

Tbh. Canada are very good at taking ships at sea with millitary force. Ehm, I really don't know why.

[Blind_Io]

That was great! I needed a laugh.

[watto]

hahaha, lovely!

[fbc]

From the entry for Australia:

[Viper007Bond]

See Also: http://forums.finalgear.com/top-gear/top-gear-related-uncyclopedia-articles-17656/

[YF19pilot]

Originally Posted by jetsetter

Don't worry!!!!!!!!!!!

North Pole, Alaska


........

I use to live there (parents stationed at Eilson AFB), and I can assure you that Santa does indeed have a house there.

[Goose+]

Funny

[D-Fence]

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Germany

I love it

[D-Fence]

Originally Posted by D-Fence

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Germany

I love it

The Majority of the Germans speak the GermanicLanguage "klingon" (most of the remaining minority speak Langue doch); it is like "bork" in Sweden. They have four Letters in their alphabet: N (pronounce "nach"), A (pronounce "nach"), C (pronounce "nach") and H (pronounce "über"). Actually there is a slang, which is spoken throughout the country, called "Aldaichschwör." Sample sentences include "Guckst du Alda ich schlag dich auf die Fresse" (How much are the flowers?), "Du kannst mal deine Mutter von mir grüßen" (Your mother can make the best pancakes), and "Ich habe seine Mutter korrekt ins Arschloch gefickt. Ihr Arschloch ist gerissen, und jetzt fließt die Scheiße über alles drüber" (Hello. Nice dress).

The Germans are also very kind to People who ask for Directions. If you ask a German, "Hey, Wixer! Willst du ein Foto - hält länger! Ich meins ernst, ich hol gleich meine Brüder!" which means "Excuse me! I'm lost - can you show me the Way? I'm a Tourist, can you speak English please?", everybody will be glad to help you.

A popular German Saying to welcome Tourists is "Hallo dicker Amerikaner. Warum isst du Scheiße? Kannst du in den Arsch beißen?" which roughly translates to, "Hello valued Tourist, may I show you around this modest Country we have in an Effort to make your Stay more enjoyable?"

German is a very unique Language. It forms many "Compoundwords" made by joining other Words together. In Fact the longest German Word is: Esgibtsehrvielegutenachtgeschichtenundvorspieleundheissedaschaumalguckenachtunheilhit lüviele and translates literally to "The Gay Man has Sex every six Minutes". It is customary to say this as a Greeting and a Farewell when visiting Germany, and Failure to do so will result in Transportation to one of Germany's Labourcamps in southern Hitlerland. Besides Germans have a Tendensy to capitalize every Noun regardless weather it's a Name, and what's it's Position in the Sentence.

The German Language has 42 Cases which all depend on the Situation and Tense. For Example if you say: "Ich habe einen Computer", the Cerb switches with the pronoun in the first 3 months of the Year. This is called the "vielabjahre" Case and would turn the previous Statement into "Einen Computer habe ich". Other common Cases include the "actsindvielekülizen" which on Everysecondfullmoon reverses all Sentences in Alphabeticalorder to the power of pi, but only in Months ending in "R" in the native tribal Language of the Mandinka. This Part of the German Language is very special to the Locals and many Leople have been killed, or eaten by the Locals because of Mistakes in the different German Cases.

Thirty Years ago English, French, and German were all in a Contest for Worlddomination to become the next Linguafranca. English won, German surrendered for a close second, and the French still haven't figured any of this out. (Kinda like that Japanese Guy that stayed on his Island 25 Years after the War ended)

[toma_alimosh]

Originally Posted by Viper007Bond

Santa lives in Canada?!?

Not anymore, we kicked him out because every time we get together at the bar to watch a game, and the US team scored he'd go in a jolly "HOHOHO!", so we sent him to North Pole, Alaska. (Yes, Canada has only 1 sports bar)

And why is it that they say nothing about our igloos ... As for the beavers, it's true that we line up the interior of our igloos with wet beavers, keeps us warm in winter.

[Wooptidoop]

For those of you that missed this one, Kitten Huffing is my favorite article on Uncyclopedia:
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Kitten_huffing