The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Roadster44 · November 28th, 2007, 6:36 PM

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699...le-verses.html

Soooo funny! Crazy biblical times...ohh mercy

No Boss · November 28th, 2007, 6:44 PM

Quote:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses

One of my personal favourites. Never heard about that one at Sunday's "Vacation" Bible School.

Lilleput · November 28th, 2007, 6:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by No Boss

One of my personal favourites. Never heard about that one at Sunday's "Vacation" Bible School.

Actually:

Quote:

Ezekiel 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Mine:

Quote:

Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

jayhawk · November 28th, 2007, 6:53 PM

Read the entire verses of The Song of Solomon. It is pretty erotic.

The_Finn · November 28th, 2007, 6:57 PM

Not on the list but i always liked Psalm 144:1

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle;

No Boss · November 28th, 2007, 7:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilleput

Actually:

Quote:

Ezekiel 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/4561/b269676afdac4.gif

HAWT!

smib · November 28th, 2007, 7:03 PM

That's amazing.

teletubby-warrior · November 28th, 2007, 7:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roadster44

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699...le-verses.html

Soooo funny! Crazy biblical times...ohh mercy

I just wasted half an hour quoting that entire article and creating a super awesome thread and..... you beat me to it.

FUCK.

My thread would have been so much cooler.

thedguy · November 28th, 2007, 7:17 PM

Ok after reading just 2 of the 9, Someone should seriously base some bad ass MMORPG on the bible (without the preaching), they've got some awesome concepts.

Calling down 2 bears on kids who are heckling you, Moses being a KGB style assassin. How is that not a great premise for a game?

Quote:

Originally Posted by teletubby-warrior

I just wasted half an hour quoting that entire article and creating a super awesome thread and..... you beat me to it.

My thread would have been so much cooler.

D- for timing.

FATMOUSE · November 28th, 2007, 7:29 PM

Pretty much all of Exodus was side-splittingly hilarious.

Was it Moses who came to the Egyptians, holding the rod of God in his hand? Wouldn't that be against the "don't grab the junk" commandment?

No Boss · November 28th, 2007, 7:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FATMOUSE

Was it Moses who came to the Egyptians, holding the rod of God in his hand? Wouldn't that be against the "don't grab the junk" commandment?

That was the 12th one, we all kinda forgot about that one.

nist7 · November 28th, 2007, 7:32 PM

It's a wonder how some of these things were cannonized into the official Christian bible at that fateful meeting in the 4th century. The early church leaders were quick to suppress any writing empowering women (Gospel of Mary) but too eager to include tales of their sins and misdeeds.

If you guys have ever heard of the "banned books" of the Bible, those have some real...creative stories and prophecies.

As much as the Bible is believed to be the "word of God," it's equally the "word of men." God must be having a good laugh upstairs.

No Boss · November 28th, 2007, 7:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nist7

It's a wonder how some of these things were cannonized into the official Christian bible at that fateful meeting in the 4th century. The early church leaders were quick to suppress any writing empowering women (Gospel of Mary) but too eager to include tales of their sins and misdeeds.

If you guys have ever heard of the "banned books" of the Bible, those have some real...creative stories and prophecies.

As much as the Bible is believed to be the "word of God," it's equally the "word of men." God must be having a good laugh upstairs.

Thank god/science/whatever you said that, cause I was about to mention it. I've been reading "Misquoting Jesus" and it has really opened my eyes as to what we are actually reading in the bible. It's really quite interesting and I highly recommend it.

/don't want this to turn into a religion flamefest.

cdbob · November 28th, 2007, 9:08 PM

Soloman was quite the character from what I have read about him in historical documents.

watto · November 28th, 2007, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilleput

Mine:

Quote:

Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

Yep, x2.

Viper007Bond · November 29th, 2007, 2:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teletubby-warrior

I just wasted half an hour quoting that entire article and creating a super awesome thread and..... you beat me to it.

FUCK.

My thread would have been so much cooler.

You shoulda posted your post in this thread. images/smilies/smile.gif

pfrocker · November 29th, 2007, 8:09 AM

Ah how Digg.com makes everything popular.

Favorite sentence:
"Gaze upon our dick tower and despair." images/smilies/lol.gif

November 28th, 2007, 6:36 PM	#1
Roadster44 Joined: Jan 8th, 2004 Last Online: September 29th, 2009 Location: West Bloomfield, MI USA Posts: 199 Car: 2000 BMW 328i w/ sports pckg LFS Status: Rep Power: 25	The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses http://www.cracked.com/article_15699...le-verses.html Soooo funny! Crazy biblical times...ohh mercy __________________ Car for sale...Raver 8000, 5 speed engine, all usual impertinences, alloy windows, leather paint, metallic seats, primate control with aim conditioning, all dot coms. 22,00,00 highway smiles. $50

November 28th, 2007, 6:53 PM	#4
jayhawk Cigar Smoking Man Joined: Dec 11th, 2005 Last Online: 3:11 PM Location: Aurora, IL. Age: 34 Posts: 6,474 Car: 07 Subaru WRX, 09 VW Tiguan. Rep Power: 234	Read the entire verses of The Song of Solomon. It is pretty erotic. __________________ Instead of attending the circus, I visit Autoblog to see the clowns comment instead.

November 28th, 2007, 6:57 PM	#5
The_Finn Joined: Feb 7th, 2005 Last Online: 2:20 PM Location: Worcestersheshershire MA Age: 28 Posts: 3,415 Car: 1988 Mazda 323 GTX / 1997 Saab 900s Rep Power: 57	Not on the list but i always liked Psalm 144:1 Blessed be the LORD, my rock, Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle; __________________ Proud owner of a 1988 mazda 323 GTX: The ~~poor~~ rich mans evo... "My laptop has a webcam; if I wanted to make money while making a mess, I'd be all over the internet. Hell, you'd probably have videos of me bookmarked." ~Klutch~ “Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports ... all others are games.” ~Ernest Hemingway~ It's all about having the right priorities. You can sleep in your car but you can't race your house -\|- Basically i go accurately and on special lines

November 28th, 2007, 9:08 PM	#14
cdbob Joined: Dec 1st, 2006 Last Online: November 19th, 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Age: 19 Posts: 1,648 Car: 1987 Volvo 245 DL Rep Power: 30	Soloman was quite the character from what I have read about him in historical documents. __________________ Thanks to everyone who has made sigs for me

November 29th, 2007, 8:09 AM	#17
pfrocker Joined: Jan 22nd, 2006 Last Online: 3:12 AM Location: San Francisco, California, USA Age: 21 Posts: 2,137 Rep Power: 45	Ah how Digg.com makes everything popular. Favorite sentence: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair." __________________ "The following program contains British accents, if you don't understand what the bloody hell we are talking about please turn on your closed captioning." -BBC America Top Gear Introduction narrated by John Oliver

November 28th, 2007, 7:03 PM	#7
smib Joined: Aug 31st, 2007 Last Online: 2:42 PM Location: Bristol, Connecticut Age: 22 Posts: 2,199 Car: 2008 Scion tC LFS Status: Rep Power: 83	That's amazing.

November 28th, 2007, 7:29 PM	#10
FATMOUSE Joined: Jun 30th, 2005 Last Online: 11:03 AM Location: Palo Alto, California Age: 21 Posts: 3,653 Rep Power: 77	Pretty much all of Exodus was side-splittingly hilarious. Was it Moses who came to the Egyptians, holding the rod of God in his hand? Wouldn't that be against the "don't grab the junk" commandment?

November 28th, 2007, 7:32 PM	#12
nist7 Joined: Dec 20th, 2006 Last Online: 3:47 PM Location: KCMO Posts: 875 Rep Power: 27	It's a wonder how some of these things were cannonized into the official Christian bible at that fateful meeting in the 4th century. The early church leaders were quick to suppress any writing empowering women (Gospel of Mary) but too eager to include tales of their sins and misdeeds. If you guys have ever heard of the "banned books" of the Bible, those have some real...creative stories and prophecies. As much as the Bible is believed to be the "word of God," it's equally the "word of men." God must be having a good laugh upstairs.

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