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Giant tortoises are slow of foot but quick of wit, while I struggle to keep up with my sheep (Dec. 8) For many years the giant tortoise was seen as an easy-to-catch lunch. After a long voyage to the tropics, sailors would disembark and immediately peel one of these giant beasts, which, they...

Mozzies, heat, upset tummies and all-day drinking — even Corbyn's taxes are better than life abroad (Dec. 01) After Mr Corbyn wins the coming election — and he will, because all your children are going to vote for that weird Lib Dem hamster woman — a great many rich people will decide to...

Private jet on the runway. Sweaty hand on your back. Say ciao to Andrew's entitled Eurotrashers (Nov. 24) By Jeremy Clarkson Shortly after Prince Andrew claimed he didn't indulge in public displays of affection, we were bombarded with a million photographs of him doing just that. There were so...

(Note: this week's motoring column was written by Abbie Eaton) This is my Schuey dream come true The Abbie Eaton Review: Ferrari F8 Tributo (Sunday Times, Nov. 24) Growing up in the 1990s and 2000s, I would see friends swoon over posters of Kurt Cobain, binge-watch DVD box sets of the Harry...

Grand Tour… …or apocalypse now? Jeremy Clarkson and company head to southeast Asia for a new episode of their TV show — on a journey of self-discovery as they run into the realities of climate change. By Nick Rufford (Sunday Times, Nov. 24) [Some Grand Tour spoilers] If you want to see...

Life on the farm is really picking up The Clarkson Review: Ford Ranger Raptor (Nov. 17) The new Land Rover Defender is a bit of a surprise. I imagined it would have steel bumpers and hose-down carpets, and differentials that you lock with levers. I reckoned it would be militaristic and...

This is watts thrilling me: James May reveals why he has gone electric (Sunday Times, Nov. 10) By James May I've bought a Tesla. "Boo," cries every true petrolhead on earth, because electric cars are boring. In some ways they are. It's true that Tesla owners converge at superchargers and talk...

Lose the leccy and hit the Swede spot The Clarkson Review: Volvo XC90 (Nov. 03) We all know that people in Sweden sit beside lakes all day in chunky jumpers, solving crimes by staring into the middle distance. And then they go home to wooden houses and spend the evening sending all the money...

Keep a stiff upper lip when all about you are losing theirs, and you won't be a Yank, my son (Oct. 27) When Obama Barrack came to Londonshire in 2016, he put on a serious face and told us that we'd better stay in the EU or else. And I remember being so incensed that my nose swelled up and my...

I want an old-fashioned shop with an old-fashioned sign — and a ban on newfangled billionaires (Oct. 20) I wonder. Has anything ever been improved by having way too much money thrown at it? HS2, for example. Will it be dramatically better than what we have now? I suspect it probably won't. Then...

Skyfall's villains can blow this one up too The Clarkson Review: Aston Martin DBS Superleggera Volante (Oct. 13) Of course I will go and see the new James Bond film, but I almost certainly won't enjoy it. I haven't really enjoyed any of them since Daniel Craig took over. I know he wants his...

The Beeb's editorial police chief has always been a fair cop. It's a crime to throw him under the bus (Oct. 6) Last week the BBC tied itself into a new kind of completely inextricable knot when it announced very firmly what it thought it should be saying, and then, when everybody got cross with...

Flat-pack frump that moves like Fonteyn The Clarkson Review: Ford Focus estate (Sept. 29) My son was taught many things at school, absolutely none of which are of any use. And that's why, this month, when the keys to his first flat were handed over, he thought he could simply move in, open a...

The fastest way to appal a millennial: The Clarkson Review: Mercedes-AMG GT 63 (Sept. 22) I wonder if at any time there has been such a massive jump between generations as the one we are experiencing now. Because my children and their friends seem to have absolutely nothing in common with...

A 1,000-mile gallop I'll never forget (Sept. 15) The Clarkson Review: Ford Mustang GT convertible For the family holiday this year, I rented a house in the Dordogne and we all decided to drive. That wasn't so bad for my son, who has a Fiat 124 Spider, or my elder daughter, who has a Ford...

If cows protect my fields from ramblers and keep the grants rolling in, I'll be over the moon (Sept. 8) After Sir Oliver Letwin gave a debagged Boris Johnson six of the best last week, and Jeremy Corbyn revealed himself to be a deranged and dishonest Marxist coward, it'd be easy to imagine that...

Don't worry, be happy. It works in every other nation that's a thinly disguised walking disaster (Sept. 01) By Jeremy Clarkson Have you wondered recently how the country is still functioning? There's a very real possibility that in the coming months we will end up with a ragtag government led...

Hold on, kids, we're hitting warp speed (Aug. 25) The Clarkson Review: Range Rover Velar Svautobiography Dynamic Edition The motor industry spent about a hundred years perfecting the art of making cars and by the beginning of this century had become pretty good at it. But then everyone...

Left rattled by more than just the price tag (Aug. 18) The Clarkson Review: Audi SQ2 Whenever something green and lefty and right-on is suggested these days, it is always adopted, because anyone who opposes the plan is obviously a fascist. That's why, when a scheme was mooted in west London to...

A private jet for the mile-hybrid club (Aug. 11) The Clarkson Review: Mercedes-Benz S 560 e Every single thing that was taught on a Thursday morning at school didn't go into my head. I'd be dimly aware that someone at the front of the classroom was droning on about Jane Austen or Adam Smith...