The Onion: Macbook Wheel

[epp_b]

Dang, do I love The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide..._revolutionary

And, is it just me, or is The Onion becoming convincing enough to seem real?

[NecroJoe]

No, real life is becoming so ridiculous, that The Onion isn't so far off.

The "Our Dumb World" Onion World Atlas is NOT to be missed!

[FATMOUSE]

Courtesy:
http://linux.slashdot.org/comments.p...d&cid=26362097

A giant customized Starbucks in Cupertino California where lattes and no soy skim macchiatos are given out free to all employees. The background music involves a playlist of Nora Jones, David Matthews, John Mayer, and Bono on loop from an Ipod docked somewhere in the Apple/Starbucks facility. Hours are long but morale is surprising high as developers, hardware and software, are given 30 minute breaks to masturbate to the new itunes interface.

All developers sit at cafe type tables with a Mac Book Pro while their lord and master Steve Jobs stands deskless in his predictable attire of a turtleneck and jeans. In fact, this is the preferred (mandatory) dress code at Apple. Jobs walks around to each and every department, separated by latte and vegan preferences, and checks on the performance and efficiency of his developers. At any given point in the day one may see Mr Jobs yelling at a programmer for not implementing a button in the perfect shade of corn flower blue (#6495ED) and immediately sends him to the apple punitive chamber, consisting of a HP Compaq running Vista Basic.

There are 2 software development departments and 2 hardware development sections in Apple. For software there is the Apple core team, Apple Open Source team. In hardware there is the Apple systems and management team and the iDevice team. Since the OSX kernel consists of a BSD darwin kernel there is no real need for low level programmers and as such the entirety of the Apple core team consists of UI designers and photoshop junkies. All software churned out from the core team is designed in a program strikingly similar to Visual Studio's form designer but with Cocoa Objective C generated instead. The 16 hour day (Jobs demands 16 hour days since he himself never sleeps) of a core dev involves lining up the right shade of chrome with the latest photoshopped graphite button and maintaining the correct color scheme, not an easy job at all.

The Apple open source team involves a little bit more coding, which is mandated to be done in TextEdit or the option of a $80 third party mac text editor. The Apple open source team doesn't actually create much code but searches the internet for interesting BSD licensed software and modifies it as it's own through obfuscation and conversion to objective C. Many of the items a mac user sees comes from the open source world stamped by apple such as the ability to play music taken from 67 different originally linux based players, CD burning, and the overall ability to click a mouse. Apple's legal department has no qualms about this practice and has assured many that since most of the code is BSD and if any is GPLed many Linux hippies should be grateful that Apple fostered WebKit by using KHTML and adding some Gecko bloat. Perhaps one of the most important items that the open source team has done to date is use parts of the FreeBSD to keep the kernel up to date.

There's not much to say about the Apple systems and management team. I suppose they can be classified in to desktop and laptop systems. Because hardware work is beneath Apple in general and thought of being only worthy of Windows Users and as such can be found working on these beauties in the starbucks bathroom. Desktops are currently made by buying dell machines and putting them in Lian Li cases, where the majority of the costs goes to buying titanium Apple emblems to paste on the sides. Laptops consists of the rebranding of only the most silver and black Sony Viaos but talk has been going around about rebranding Asus EeePCs for a new Apple netbook but you didn't hear that from me, for fear of my life.

The iDevice team's job is to develop for the ipod, iphone, itouch, and many other portable electronics apple may release in the future. Their jobs are very interconnected with the open source team as well as the core dev team. Using firmware from random samsung devices and giving it an OSX skin the ipod stands as a shining example that infringement only applies to greasy file sharers and that the music player remains the best in market. The 16-24 hour day of an iDevice dev consists of partly implementing Zune security flaws and creating new novel ways to make the click wheel sounds, while a majority of the time is spend just playing with (read testing) products future and past.

And there you have it, the mystery of Apple unveiled. Also on a side note to those who are worried about Job's health. He is fine but is trying a new diet consisting of Soy Nuts and Anger.

[epp_b]

The "Our Dumb World" Onion World Atlas is NOT to be missed!

Onion pin in NWT, Canada: "Crowd from 1975 "Fly By Night" tour still waiting for Neil Peart to finish drum solo"

RUSH, HECK YEAH!

[NecroJoe]

Canada, see pages 7-8. Did you mean the United States? See pages 9-22. (or something similar...paraphrasing...):-p

[katwalk]

Originally Posted by FATMOUSE

Courtesy:
http://linux.slashdot.org/comments.p...d&cid=26362097

lol linux
Their fanboys/girls in my experience are MORE annoying then the windows and mac ones.
Newsflash fantards, all operating systems suck in their own special way.

[FATMOUSE]

^So basically it comes down to a choice of who is more annoying; the gamer, the cardigan wearer or the dweeb with the neckbeard who lives with his parents.

(...I don't live with my parents anymore...)

[katwalk]

Originally Posted by FATMOUSE

^So basically it comes down to a choice of who is more annoying; the gamer, the cardigan wearer or the dweeb with the neckbeard who lives with his parents.

(...I don't live with my parents anymore...)

yes exactly

[freeferrarisdonotexist]

I love the Onion. Say what you will about other American humour (I'm looking at you, Will Ferrel) but the Onion is just the best satirical newspaper ever thought up. Perfectly parodies everything from socks to starbucks, mcdonald's to Mccain. Creepily realistic, as well.

[NecroJoe]

One of my top 3 favorite onion article of all time...(I was a subscriber like 10 years ago)

http://www.onion.demon.co.uk/theonio...upidbabies.htm

[BlaRo]

Originally Posted by katwalk

lol linux
Their fanboys/girls in my experience are MORE annoying then the windows and mac ones.
Newsflash fantards, all operating systems suck in their own special way.

I don't think I've ever met a Linux fanboy before, just a few friends of mine who installed Ubuntu for a laugh.

But Mac fanboys...jesus. I swear, I'm the only Graphic Arts major that uses a PC in the known universe.

Oh, and Our Dumb World was the best $14.95 I ever spent, they deserve an award for painstakingly coming up with funny things to say about genocide, for every country in Africa.

[teeb]

Originally Posted by BlaRo

I don't think I've ever met a Linux fanboy before

I don't think they go outside...

[katwalk]

Originally Posted by BlaRo

I don't think I've ever met a Linux fanboy before, just a few friends of mine who installed Ubuntu for a laugh.

But Mac fanboys...jesus. I swear, I'm the only Graphic Arts major that uses a PC in the known universe.

Oh, and Our Dumb World was the best $14.95 I ever spent, they deserve an award for painstakingly coming up with funny things to say about genocide, for every country in Africa.

Almost every single person at my school who is a Graphic Arts major uses a PC. I think there are 2 mac users other than me and I would still be using my ghetto compac presario if it hadn't broken the month before I started school. I had just gotten a BIG ASS CHECK from the government because my father was on disability, I was under 18, and they had forgot to give it to me for something like a year and a half and got it all at once. "OH BOY I can buy a computer that doesn't suck!" (note, I don't mean PCs suck, I mean 400$ outdated compaq laptops do)

Originally Posted by teeb

I don't think they go outside...

actually I've never met a linux fantard in RL either ¬¬

[FATMOUSE]

^Shakes his fist furiously.

[CrazyRussian540]

I love how much effort they put into their articles and videos. It looks like a real news video, and the footage also looks real.

Where do I put my name down for a 40GB Apple Wheel?

[noodles 555]

that is some funny s@#t

poking fun at clever marketing if you get sucked in you think that you will die if you don't have the latest piece of shiny white plastic

(written n my macbook} ha

[katwalk]

Originally Posted by FATMOUSE

^Shakes his fist furiously.

You are obviously not a fantard because I had no idea what OS you were using

[Zorlac]

I loved the predictive text, and the "And everything is just a few 100 clicks away.".

[NecroJoe]

Originally Posted by Zorlac

I loved the predictive text...

"The aardvark asked for a dagger."
"The abortion went well."

[jeffy777]

Originally Posted by epp_b

And, is it just me, or is The Onion becoming convincing enough to seem real?

My Mac friend actually believed this and thought it looked like a great idea up until about halfway through, even past the "100's of clicks" part