Kill a dream

Granted, youtr workload is increased in response adding to more stress.

I wish I didn't have to change careers.
 
Granted. Flipping burgers for the rest of your life.

I wish I had more time.
 
Granted. All the time is now yours. You spend your life as the speaking clock.

I wish that the zipper on my bag worked.
 
Granted. The seams don't.

I wish I had more bread.
 
Granted. A 43 ton loaf of bread incoming on your house, will fall any second.

I wish my internet connection was faster, more reliable, and cheaper.
 
Granted. 0.000000000000000000000000000001kb/s faster, is available for 0.00003 seconds/day longer and is 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001c cheaper.

I wish that I had the ability to put my hand in my pocket and pull out however much money, in the correct denomination and currency, that I needed for whatever I wanted or needed or desired.
 
Granted. The money pockets only work while you're wearing them, but they're so full of money they won't stay up long enough for you to get anything.

I wish I had a time machine.
 
Granted. It only takes you back to Pre-history times!

I wish that I didn't work with the lazy and stupid!
 
Granted. Everyone's now a go-getter and annoyingly peppy.

I wish today hadn't sucked.
 
Granted. Me neither.

I wish that Oprah was coming to Oz on her own $, not the taxpayers'.
 
Granted. She buys Oz.

I wish the people who worked around me would shut up.
 
Granted. They are now silent and work with hand gestures that they understand, but you don't. So, when the experiment goes wrong and is heading for critical mass, they understand the hand gestures to evacuate. You, unfortunately, do not. The police and emergency services are now walking a grid pattern over 5 city blocks trying to find all of you.

I wish that I had an instant commute.
 
Granted. There is now absolutely no excuse to be late, or to leave early.

I wish equipment around here worked properly.
 
Granted. Your computer is now a perfectly good coffee maker.

I wish that I was super smart!
 
Granted. You're super smart... for an ant.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling fresh for my drive, which I should complete without incident.
 
You should, but you don't. You slept in, the car ran out of fuel and you get three flat tyres. Then a piano falls on it.

I wish that someone would invent silent motors for vibrators.
 
Granted. It's now powered by a car battery, and lasts just long enough to be a tease, but not long enough to give you an orgasm.

I wish I had my own house.
 
Granted. It's at the top of a cliff that is erroding an inch a day and has already reached the footings.

I wish that I had a slot car racing track.
 
Granted, but you don't have any slot cars.

I wish I had some cheesecake.
 
Granted. There is a box of it on your kitchen table. Until I steal it.

I wish I had the nerve and wherewithall to quit my job.
 
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