Kill a dream

Granted. It's a counterfeit Benjamin. The police would like a word.

I wish I had remembered it was Fleet Week so I could go watch the air show.
 
Granted but you suffer the same fate as my good friend also in SF who's got a serious headache and can't make any phone calls at work either (she's a recruiter).

I wish I could stop chargin ma laz0r and fire ma laz0r
 
You do. Unfortunately it was in your pants pocket at the time. Sorry, bad news. You'll never be a dad.

I wish that it wasn't raining and my internets were better.
 
Granted. There's a tornado, and you have 3 minutes to send out all your e-mails before the house flies away.

I wish I had a gas range instead of this shitty electric one.
 
Granted. But it goes BOOM! a la Fight Club!

I wish that I could work out what this really odd smell was.
 
Granted, there is a dead body in your house and you will be accused of murder.

I wish that I had some more time.
 
Granted. It has now frozen and you are stuck there.

I wish that the dog hadn't just thrown up on the floor
 
Granted. You just did.

I wish I had more beer.
 
Granted. 12 million pints of Fosters are yours.

I wish that it wasn't raining.
 
Granted. Baseball sized hail.

I wish I could remember what all my scripts actually do.
 
Granted, you now remember they break your PC.

I wish I didn't have to go to college today.
 
Granted. You instead have to go attend to janitorial duties.

I wish that there were more words in my vocabulary
 
Granted. You now know 1,000 words for "tape dispenser."

I wish I could go all Office Space on our printer.
 
Granted. And because of the awesomeness of that moment, it shall not go wrong.

I wish that the housework was all done.
 
Granted. Then the dog decides to piss all over everything.

I wish meetings would only take 1 hr instead of 3.
 
Granted but your sense of time decreases by a factor of 10, making 1 hour last 10 hours. Also the meetings are even more boring.

I wish I could have made those 2 sentences into one concise one.
 
Granted. But it was unintelligible and then the Catholic Church put out a contract on your life because you uncovered one of their secrets in the process.

I with I had some of Nabster's cheesecake!
 
Granted but it's cheesecake made from his foot fungus, and armpit juice, and snot for toppings.

I wish I didn't just make myself go blech and feel ill by saying that.
 
(me too)

Granted. Your stomach lept up and throttled your brain to stop it from happening.

I wish that someone would make me a wonderful, tasty, with no bodily fluids, breakfast in bed.
 
Granted. It's my bed. Come and get it, before I eat it.

I wish the weather here was consistently pleasant at all hours.
 
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