The best ever Clarkson,Hammond and May Quotes

skylock

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 3, 2006
Messages
2,548
Location
USA
Car(s)
Honda Civic
Clarkson: "It would have been faster and quicker on a horse."

I could so relate.
 

Censport

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
595
Location
Nashville TN, USA
Car(s)
Xterra, '63 Corvair, '06 Yamaha FZ6
From the British Leyland challenge, when James goes by in his Princess during the Euro Egg-Cap Rating test:

Clarkson: "He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!"
 

katwalk

Forum Addict
Joined
Apr 1, 2008
Messages
10,281
Car(s)
2003 VW Beetle, 2017 Abarth Fiat 500c
"You see, to me, Ferrari is a scaled-down version of god. And the Porsche 911 is a jumped-up VW Beetle" - 360CS vs 911 GT3 RS
I enjoy this logic because my car is then a slow 911 :lol:
 

controlspecimen

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2005
Messages
544
Location
Washington DC
Car(s)
2006 Acura TL 6MT
James May on the Bristol Fighter: "It's actually the Bristol Fighter Mk II, as the first one was launched in 1916 and it was a biplane. But this one seems quite a bit more promising." You can hear Clarkson laughing off camera. :)
 

Maarre

Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
65
Location
Sweden
My favorite quotes from the American special,


Jeremy talking about his car:

"Only three previous murderers.."

When Jeremy arrives with the cow on the roof:

James: "Do you know what to do with it?"

Jeremy: "Well, we got to-"

Hammond: "Peel it? I'm not peeling that mate!"

*Jeremy laughing*

Jeremy in his car:

"Brokeback Brokeback, this is Murderer."

Hammond as he and Jeremy vandalizes James car:

"He's going to notice isn't he?"

*Jeremy laughing*


Hammond as they have stopped on a petrol station in Alabama:

"We're all going to die now!"

James while staring at the dead squirrel:

"I never told you about my vegetarianism did I?"


Jeremy while trying to give away his car:

"Dent on the roof...that was caused by a cow." (favorite :D)
 
Last edited:

qed

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2008
Messages
11
Location
Oslo, Norway
Car(s)
Leon Cupra
The Tom Jones prison-joke is the ultimate oneliner imo :lol:

Im on a nightshift in Oslo right now, never dared to register despite 2 years of reading and the complete downloading of all TG episodes, but having spent an our reading this whole thread, I finally managed. Great thread, keeping me wide awake, thx :D
 

Maarre

Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
65
Location
Sweden
Just thought of another one:

JM: "How about if I turn up in ten years time to take your Izzy out?"

RH: "Then on the other side of the door I'm going to have a BIG bat!"

JC: "Because, in ten years time his daughter will be 14 and you're going to be 75!"

ROFL!

and this quote when they are in Spain to visit the Stig and he drives James Audi RS4 around the track:

JC: "I?m going to be 403 years old by the time it gets here."

RH: "So it?s going to take like half a year..."
 
Last edited:

tripbeat

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2008
Messages
47
Location
frankfurt
Car(s)
Car: Lancia Thema; Bike: Honda VF 1000F
"yes, table is victorious - so there you are: if you want to get to work quickly, buy a table"

(after the g-witz lost it's race against a table in "supercars")

"and this steering wheel has absolutely nothing or whatsoever to do with the direction of travel. This is the world's first windguided vehicle" (on the lada nova, and he is right. Had one. Was rubbish)
 
Last edited:

MacGuffin

Forum Addict
DONOR
Joined
Mar 29, 2008
Messages
8,275
Location
Wilhelmshaven, Germany
Car(s)
'17 Ford Mustang GT Fastback
Ah, Top Gear quotes... one of my favourite subjects. I once started writing them down but gave up very soon, mainly because I forgot typing from laughing most of the time and got tired of rewinding :lol:

But here is as far as I have come:

Jeremy:

While reviewing the Citroen Berlingo: ?It?s like Gerard Depardieu ? slightly swollen middle, broken nose but there are hidden talents. And it?s not just me who likes it. Everybody here likes it. And the people who like it most of all, are the family of Albanians, that I inadvertadly brought back into Britain in each of the wheel arches. They?ve written to me to say that it will always hold a special place in their heart.?

About the Pagani Zonda: ?Not since the Germans and the Italians teamed up in 2nd World War, we have seen power like this.?

About the seat arrangement in a Voxhall Meriva ?Voxhall? hopeless at everything but very good at seats.?

About the Citroen C5: ?It is quite a bad car. It?s not as bad as having your leg chopped off but it is still pretty unpleasant.?

About the Toyota Yaris Verso: ?It looks like an ugly snake that swallowed a wardrobe?.

About the Renault Vel Satis: ?The Renault Vel Satis is like an Avocado: Funny skin but mostly soft inside, with a surprising, rock hard stone in the middle. It?s capable of going fast, in the same way Queen Victoria was capable of running. It just doesn?t seem to like it very much. So if you?re late for a business meeting, you?re better off using a pogo stick. Or going on your hands and knees.?

About the MG SV: ?If Oliver Reed and Russel Crowe made mad manlove on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.?

Jeremy and Richard discuss the new Range Rover:
Richard: Range Rovers have not enjoyed the best of reputations. I did some phoning around and looked into this. They did suffer a few problems, although it was with stuff like the paintwork, um? interior trim, a bit rattly. Engines, they could be a problem.
Jeremy: Yeah, the 4 liter.
Ricchard: And the 4,6 as well.
Jeremy: And the Diesel.
Richard: All the engines.
Jeremy: Ya?
Richard: Uh? gearboxes could be an issue.
Jeremy: Automatics?
Richard: And the manuals.
Jeremy: And the manuals, yeah?
Richard: Uh? transfer boxes? the suspension actually as well?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: And all of the electronics.
Jeremy: Yeah, I did actually have a word with Land Rover about the reliability issue on this car and they said ?No no no, this one?s built properly?. So I said ?Okay, right, lend us one for six months?. And they agreed. And if anything falls off or melts or brakes in any way, we can murder the managing director?s dog - in front of his children.
Richard: That?s fair.


About the new Rolls-Royce Phantom: ?No rock star will ever buy this Rolls-Royce. It?s too big to fit in a swimming-pool.?

About the Perodua Kalisa: ?It?s made in a jungle clearing by someone who went to work on an ox.?

Richard:

About Mazdas: ?People don?t buy Mazdas, because they desperately want a Mazda. They buy them because, unfortunately for them, at that particular time it suits their needs. In that sense Mazdas are like sink plungers. You don?t really want one, but sometimes you just gotta have one. Mazdas are good cars for shy exhibitionists. You could drive one butt-naked through any major town in the world and not an eye would be batted. They?re practically invisible.?

?You could stick a BMW badge on a dead cat and people would still buy it.?

About the Renault Megane: ?A family car but only if your family is the Osbornes.?

James:

?When I was a lad, we used to get our bad cars from Wartburg, Polski Fiat, British Leyland and other leftwing dictatorships.?

?A Diesel cabrio is like a super model smoking a pipe.?
 
Last edited:

one6

New Member
Joined
Aug 12, 2008
Messages
1
Location
Chicago/Il/USA
Car(s)
'94 Honda Civic Hatchback
I finally decided to register!!! Here are some of my favorite quotes. I get a kick everytime I watch them.

10x01 during the News-

RH: Bentley have recalled some cars, um there's a problem with their wheel nuts apparently. They might not be fastened properly. Bentley say it's not a big deal, it's only one batch of nuts affected. It only concerns the Arnage R, and the Arnage T, and the Arnage RL, and the Azure. So basically pretty much of all the cars they make. It's only those built between February '05, and August last year. That's a year and a half!

JC: No my favorite is the government ok, who actually run this recall. They say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver, as there would be a considerable knocking mechanical noise", and sparks, and sky, road, sky-road-ditch!


10x10 During the Awards Ceremony-

The Lifetime Achievement Award (May's rant about Ken Livingston)...

JM: Ken Livingston; for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax, and spend some of what's left on a car, and then pay value-added-tax on that, and then buy some road fund license tax to put the car on the road, and then pay fuel duty tax on the fuel, and value added tax on that fuel duty tax, you should then pay ?25 TAX to drive into the center of the capitol!

10x08 News:

After talking about Honda's Hydrogen FCX car,

JC: So if you're watching this in Saudi Arabia... time to break out your camel.
JM: It's back to carpets for you.



Same episode during the antique car test...

JM: now how do I stop?
JC: What?
JM: Well I need to, I'm gonna have to stop eventually... this road won't go on forever
JC: "Hurl the mover", NO! (frantically flips through instruction manual)
JM: Seriously!
JC: I don't know James, I don't know
JM: You're in charge of the instructions
JC: THEY'RE IN GIBBERISH, NO POINT IN LYING...
JM: ...try to figure it out, embroiyage
JC: I brought them as a joke for the viewer

11x06 British v. Germans-

JC: You know what a bad loser is? Well Hammond is whats called, a bad winner
RH: YYYYEEEEESSSS!!!!! *Taps the German accountant's helmet* What do you think of that? Well done. Congratulate me then I've won. Did you notice I was first?

From The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-
(talking about the 1st gen Toyota Prius)
JC: It certainly isn't pretty. Honestly, I rather look at a baboon... In fact, come to think of it, I rather look at the back of a baboon...
 

SoMoZa22

New Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2007
Messages
3
Location
BarcelonA, SpaiN
hahahaha for me..

Jeremy: ok,..comparing the m6 & the m5 is like comparing michael shumacker and ralph shumacker... witch is better looking.. hhmmmmmmm :cool:

-------

James: i'ts back to carpets for you!



hahahaha they are soooooo awesome..
 

JediX

Member
Joined
Aug 14, 2008
Messages
31
Location
Montreal, Canada
Car(s)
'07 Honda Civic Si
JC: Speeding doesn't kill, Suddenly becoming stationary, thats what gets you.

Richard really had a size problem, and his car was small as well
 

Cole P

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
67
Location
Minneapolis MN US
Car(s)
'03 Civic
11x06 British v. Germans-

JC: You know what a bad loser is? Well Hammond is whats called, a bad winner
RH: YYYYEEEEESSSS!!!!! *Taps the German accountant's helmet* What do you think of that? Well done. Congratulate me then I've won. Did you notice I was first?
[/B]
I loved this one, honestly I think I actually fell out of my chair in a fit of laughter when I first saw it. NFL football players need to stop their little victory dances and take a page out of Hamster's book.
 

MWF

Now needs wood
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
27,760
Location
MWF HQ, Ukadia
Car(s)
MX-5 1.8i Indiana SE, update pending
JC on old TG reviewing the Fiat Cinqucento Sporting in 1995 - "With the possible exception of a banana, this car is the most fun you can have......with something that's yellow!"
 
Top