The best ever Clarkson,Hammond and May Quotes

rideclutch

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Jeremy: (on the Spyker C8) "My only... slight reservation and it is only slight, is this grille which makes the front of the car look like a fish. Not a Cod or a Shark, not a sort of swimmy one but more sort of a... bottom feeder. But then it is Dutch, and they like that sort of thing..."
 

calvinhobbes

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From the Top gear drive time radio show :
RH : Jeremy, go.
JC : ITS ALL COMPLETELY HOPELESS.
RH : Thats the travel with Jeremy Clarkson (ending jingle)
From a bit later in the same segment:

RH: "Hello, how are you?"
caller: "Ummm... bit fed up as I can't work out whether I'm supposed to be turning off the M25 or not. We're trying to get home tonight!"
JC: "Where are you?"
caller: "I'm going anti-clockwise."
JC: "Anti-clockwise. You, my son, have had it!"
 

DaShowstoppa

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From a bit later in the same segment:

RH: "Hello, how are you?"
caller: "Ummm... bit fed up as I can't work out whether I'm supposed to be turning off the M25 or not. We're trying to get home tonight!"
JC: "Where are you?"
caller: "I'm going anti-clockwise."
JC: "Anti-clockwise. You, my son, have had it!"
I love that one.
 

tfrabello

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12x6, during the fiesta road test:

Question: Is it green?
Jeremy: Yes. Very.
(Shows Fiesta in the background. It is, indeed, painted green.)
 

Ford Bloke

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Jeremy Clarkson: Which means you can sit back and indulge yourself in what this show's all about, the absolute joy of driving a great car on a great road.
 

NHeer-Design

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May/Hammond:

"How much is that worth, by the way?"
"What, that one? Two-hundred-thousand pounds."
"One-and-a-quarter million"
"Chav"
"Move your scrap off the harbour."

12x05
 

Wallio

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I enjoyed Hammond/Clarkson:

H: Want some candy?
C: I'll have a Snickers, actually.
H: Right its on me, mate.
C: Thanks, Should we get something for James?
H: No, it'll just get wet.

Cuts to shot of Jaes working out in the pouring rain.

Stupid sequence, but I crack up a bit everytime.
 

Aston Martin

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James in a race...

"Why isn't it called Live-er-pool then?"


.........................

"The ?12,000 kit belonged to Zak Starkey who unlike his father, is a drummer."
 
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JB13

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"Still, could be worse ..."
*somebody with big problems*

or

"how far north are you?"
"less than 10 miles"
"how far?"
"less than 10 miles ..."
"17?"
"NO ... LESS ... THAN ... 10 .. MILES ..."
"13?"
"LESS THAN 10 !!!!!!!!!"
 
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clarksonjr

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If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!

I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!!

Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!

Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!
Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!
Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make

Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47

Jeremy: Get out of my way, Frenchists!

Jeremy: Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get ?2000 off the price of a new car.
James: But why is it just cars?
Jeremy: What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"

Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!

Richard:If you ask to be piped aboard I'm throwing you over.
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."
 
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Ayman

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Jeremy :

- On the Renault Espace in Heaven And Hell (7-Sinners) : "If you drive 'round in one of these with your nuclear children fastened to their individual seats, what're you saying about yourself? : "I'm not interested in style, or performance or looks or excitement. I've done my breeding, I've served my biological purpose, and now, I'm waiting to die!" ".

- My sig.

- Every single time he uses diseases, wounds, infections to judge a car.

- When he uses the "I don't mean "..." do I, that's the wrong word." formula.

- Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

- On the CTS review. "... Because the CTS-V was developed after someone at Cadillac came across what in America, is a very rare book, it's called... An ATLAS! In it, they found many strange and exotic places that weren't America. And one of these places was a continent called Europe (pronounced in a funny way), and in Europe they found a country called Guermany, and in Guermany they found something called, the N?rburgring."

Etc

More to come as I recall them!
Countless really.
 
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MadCarburetor

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May: "The only thing that i keep in my car is a little paintbrush, for cleaning dust out of the switches"
Hammond: "Your scaring me May"
May: "And i always like to have the air-vents lined up so they can really...."
Hammond: "Stop talking now"
Season 8 Episode 3
 
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kevins718

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Cool Wall segment while JC was talking to a woman who work in the Kia.
JC : Why you work in the Kia if you got a TVR shirt on ?
Woman: Because TVR is British, and their fast,and their ... Sub-Zero
JC : Everything Kia's aren't !
 

Ayman

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I had to. :p
By far one of my all time favorites! Thank you for your impeccable taste. I believe however that you've missed what I'd found to be the most hilarious bit. James asks for the stopping procedure and Jeremy starts turning the pages frantically and goes desperately "hurrrrl the mover!!... No..." ... Not sure why, but this just did it for me.
 

Ayman

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Location
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While discussing Jezza's idea to stop crashes by fitting anti-poled magnets on each end of a car... As a guy in the audience says "You'd never get a puncture"... Jezza goes "Ahaaa ! The man here... doesn't look bright.."
And in the same audience-demeaning spirit ... When he was interviewing Helen Mirren, as they questioned the audience's knowledge of old movies Jezza went "No, no this audience you see... Well educ' .. *turns to the audience* well... well educated"

Hilarious wit.
 
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