The Joke Thread

And similarly what's blue and fucks old ladies?

Hypothermia!
 
I translated these two from German:

Bernd meets his completely depressed buddy Herbert in a bar. "Do tell, why are you so depressed?"
Herbert: "Well I told you about this hot chick working in our company. I never dared asking her out because I get an incredible boner as soon as I see her. But now I finally met her."
Bernd: "Well that sounds good, what happened?"
Herbert: "I duct taped my dick to my leg so it won't show"
Bernd: "Sounds like a good plan!"
Herbert: "She opened the door in an incredibly sexy miniskirt"
Bernd: "What happened next?"
Herbert: "I kicked her face in"




Politically incorrect:

A muslim dies and goes to heaven.
He is really excited because he waited all life to meet Mohammed.
He comes to the pearly gates and finds a man with a long beard.
He asks "Mohammed?"
The guy says "No my son, I am Petrus, Mohammed is further up" and points to a ladder leading into the clouds.
After climbing for several minutes he reaches a man with a bigger beard.
"Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up".
He keeps climbing for hours and finally meets a man with a really big beard.
"Mohammed?"
"No son, I am the Lord. You look really exhausted, do you want a coffee?"
"Yes please"
The bearded guy claps his hands "MOHAMMED, TWO COFFEES"
 
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hellbus? move over, I'm driving!

Michael J. Fox took a vacation to Haiti this week....... It was the most comfortable he's been in years.


and this is scaringly accurate.....

1. You always stop your car for traffic from even the tiniest little road from the right.
2. You consider breaking the speed limit normal, and honk and flash at people who don't.
3. If you have had less than 10 beers you drive your car home, but you still don't indicate when turning or respect the speed limit.
4. If you have a car, you consider any other means of transportation slightly suspicious.
5. You know the names of at least 10 different sauces for chips.
6. You catch yourself ordering a "Supplement Frites" with every single dish you have in any kind of restaurant.
7. You give other foreigners lectures on the difference between fake and real monastery-produced beer. euhrmm...... :p
8. You don't drink the last two centilitres of a Westmalle trippel.
9. You never wear any colour brighter than dark green. You automatically assume anyone who does is either:
a. Dutch
b. Scandinavian
c. American or
d. Extremely childish or rude
10. Just one day without rain even in July and August can make you happy.
11. On Saturday morning and Sunday evening of any sunny summer-weekend you accept spending more than three hours stuck in traffic jams on motorways in order to get to and from 100 km's of coastline that are completely cramped with high-risers 20 meters from the beach.
 
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A co-worker just told me this:

What is evil?

Giving a midget mariuana and telling him it makes him high :lol:

I want a seat on the front row in the bus, or else I get car-sick :p
 
UNCLASSIFIED

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well fed lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter.

The subject doesn't matter.

The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.
 
After thousands of Euros in funding and 3 years' painstaking research, scientists at the University of Dublin have finally discovered why pubic hairs are short and curly......

...because if they were long and straight they'd poke you in the eye!
 
Translated by me from the Swedish FML site.
By some girl name Frida.

Today I had sex with a guy I met at a bar. After the intercourse had led to it's end he ejaculated on my forehead, which was okay. But then he stands up on his knees above me and drags his finger in the semen in circular motions and moans "Simbaaaa". FML
 
^ That is both hilarious and horrible all at the same time. I am still laughing :lol:
 
What is simba?

I'm aware that a joke isn't funny anymore when you have to explain it
 
Ahh... this Simba :p I haven't seen this movie for almost 16 years now ;) Don't remember any of it except that it's about a lion.
 
This virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
Statistics have just revealed that 38% of all liposuction patients

is in a large vat in the hospital basement!
 
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How do you pick up girls in Haiti?

With a shovel. :D

I know it's mean, but it's a joke after all.
 
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