The Joke Thread

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over today.

But you have the only ass.

Feel better now?

If not, here is more:

In a hospital ' s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in
the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all
of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits.


Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with
a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to
that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
 
^If your twin was attached at the shoulder, why wouldn't he have his own ass?

Also, the second two are immeasurably old. The third is so old it's about a walkman. Do those even still exist?
 
Talking the other day to the director of a mental asylum, I asked "How do you decide if a patient needs permanent institutional care?"

"We use the bathtub test."

"What's that?"

"Well, we fill a bathtub with water and we give the patient a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and tell him to empty the tub."

"Oh, I see! So a sane person would use the bucket because it's the largest."

"No. A sane person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by a window?"
 
A guy walks into a repairshop and says "I want two new wiper blades for my Dacia".
The mechanic thinks for some seconds and says "Ok, I guess that's a fair barter."


A couple is driving down a rural road in winter. Suddenly the woman points at something in the ditch (no, not Icebone) and the man stops the car. She goes to check it out and finds a little skunk, half frozen to death.
She: "It's still alive. Let's take it with us and set it free after it recovered"
He: "Ok, we can do that"
She: "It's so cold, we need to warm it up a bit"
He: "Let it sit between your legs, it's warm there"
She: "But what about the smell"
He: "Well cover it's nose"
 
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a Salt Water Crocodile?

I do not know, but when it talks you damn well listen.



Why did God make women immediately after fish - bad planning?
 
Last edited:
Cobol74 said:
Why did God make women immediately after fish - bad planning?
Click to expand...

Definetly bad planning, and that's just the start, he also put the sewerage waist systhem to close to the amusement park.....
 
Why Sentence Structure is So Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:



'Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'



'Could you jack off?' she says...'I feel like shit.'
 
I don't usually find Facebook groups particularly amusing, but this one made me LOL.

You: "I'd like a Coke please."
Waiter: "Is Pepsi okay?"
You: "Sure. Is Monopoly money okay?"

:lol:
 
Aussie Customs



A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai .

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and
Welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running
Around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
Knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man
Urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door,
He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and
Then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
And says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around
The yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have
Your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you....'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand.
These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.' :p
 
Some might consider the following gross....



A homeless guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a toothpick. the bartender gives it to him and thinks nothing of it. a few minutes later, two more homeless guys come into the bar and also ask for toothpicks. the bartender's starting to get curious, but lets it slide. in five minutes, a fourth homeless guy comes into the bar and asks for a straw. now the bartender is really curious, so he asks the guy what's going on. the homeless guy says, "oh someone threw up in the parking lot, and all the chunks are gone!"
 
Another one translated from the Swedish FML site

Today I borrowed my boyfriends mobile when I had to call my mother. I took a sneak peak of a text that my mother had sent him which said: "I'm pregnant." FML
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
^ :lol:

Einstein, Newton and Pascal were playing Hide and Seek, and Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them, Pascal was no-where to be seen, but Newton was sitting right in front of him with some chalk in his hand. Around him was a square drawn on the floor, a metre to a side.

"Newton - you're rubbish, I've found you!" Said Einstein.

Newton replied; "No. You've found one Newton per square metre, you've found Pascal!"
 
A 13 year old boy asked his father "What do vaginas look like, Dad?"

"Well, son, before sex they look a lot like the pink roses in the garden just before the flower head has opened completely," his old man replied.

"OK, so that's before sex. What about afterwards?"

"Put it this way," said his father, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
 
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