The Joke Thread

gt1750

Techno Addict
DONOR
Joined
Sep 17, 2009
Messages
1,581
Location
Neu-Ulm, DE
Car(s)
2018 Ford Smacks, 2011 Alfa 159, 2005 Smart 44
A woman complains to another: "My husband is now 300% impotent!"

"I don't get it. How's that even possible!?"

"Well, he had an accident while skiing. He ran into a forest at high speed and a tree chopped his dick off. That moment, he bit his tongue off with pain. And before he was rescued, his fingers got frost-bitten."
 

bone

"bangle for president"
DONOR
Joined
Jan 14, 2004
Messages
16,495
Location
belgium!!
Car(s)
Volvo V40 & Yamaha Banshee
^:lmao:

touch it gently, make sure it's all wet, slide in 2 fingers, 3 if it's wide enough, gently start rubbing up and down...

...that's how you clean a coffeecup
i lolled :D
 

ashspet

Nothing to see here, move along people!
DONOR
Joined
Nov 1, 2007
Messages
10,496
Location
Oz
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip
to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a
gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of yas!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."
 

Jon

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 30, 2005
Messages
2,122
Location
Wolverhampton, England.
Car(s)
Ford Mondeo 2.0 Honda CBR600FS (Now wrecked!)
Not so much a joke but..

"You've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome... to Operation Mind-Fuck!"

:lol:
 

PaperBiro

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2008
Messages
4,123
Car(s)
a Veloster
Not so much a joke but..

"You've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome... to Operation Mind-Fuck!"

:lol:
I did a little drawing of that! I was half way through colouring it with Photoshop but I never finished it. I wanted to put it on flickr or facebook.

http://img.phyrefile.com/nereid/2010/03/14/img017.jpg
 
Reactions: Jon

awdrifter

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 29, 2004
Messages
3,132
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant
walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my
Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I
didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
tires..
 

MWF

Now needs wood
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
27,687
Location
MWF HQ, Ukadia
Car(s)
MX-5 1.8i Indiana SE, update pending
A school bus from Compton crashes into a ravine with all aboard killed. Consequently all of the passengers find themselves at the Pearly Gates. They ring the bell repeatedly until a very harassed St Peter appears. "Yo, Pete, when y'all gonna let us in bro?"

"Sorry," replies Peter, "But with the earthquakes in Haiti, Chile and now Turkey we're backed up in here. I've got room for ten of you and the rest of you will have to come back tomorrow. Decide amongst yourselves and I'll be back in ten minutes."

Peter returns to his office and gets bogged down with a load of paperwork. After a time the 'phone rings. "Hallo, it's Peter."

"Peter? God here. What's happening with the Compton kids?"

"Good point," Peter replies, "I'll go and check." A few seconds later he's back. "I don't believe it, they've gone!"

"What?" says God, "The Compton kids?"

"No," says Peter, "The fucking gates!"
 

Cowboy

My name is Sheridan
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
9,805
^ that one is so gonna be used fridaynight :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 

Soup?

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
983
Location
Scotland
Car(s)
Jailbait Ford is Dead! Adjusting to pedestrianism.
^I shall swap Compton for Manchester and use this :D
 
Reactions: MWF

Soup?

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
983
Location
Scotland
Car(s)
Jailbait Ford is Dead! Adjusting to pedestrianism.
Jimmy Carr just told this one as an example of reworking a children's joke for adults.


What's brown and sticky
Spoiler Text: (Click here to toggle display)
Anal
 

MWF

Now needs wood
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
27,687
Location
MWF HQ, Ukadia
Car(s)
MX-5 1.8i Indiana SE, update pending
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.


My Thai bride says I have a big cock.
Sorry, I forgot my punctuation.
My Thai bride says, "I have a big cock".


I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller".
I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".


When you stop and think about them, treadmills are fucking dangerous.


Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.
 

Archie411

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
4,542
Location
Sri Lankan gone down under
Car(s)
Go away....look at something else...
Hopes its not a 10 year old repost

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 

Clockwerk

Forum Addict
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
5,263
Location
Awesomelahoma
Subject: 9 best uses of the "F" word



9th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

8th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

7th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

6th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

5th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

4th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3rd - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

2nd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

1st - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
 
Top