The Joke Thread

^
This is a good one, only I tell it with majo. :D
 
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A woman complains to another: "My husband is now 300% impotent!"

"I don't get it. How's that even possible!?"

"Well, he had an accident while skiing. He ran into a forest at high speed and a tree chopped his dick off. That moment, he bit his tongue off with pain. And before he was rescued, his fingers got frost-bitten."
 
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"smells like carrots"

:)

wouw.....that's like......the lamest yoke in history I would say ;);)
 
^:lmao:

touch it gently, make sure it's all wet, slide in 2 fingers, 3 if it's wide enough, gently start rubbing up and down...

...that's how you clean a coffeecup

i lolled :D
 
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip
to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a
gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of yas!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."
 
Not so much a joke but..

"You've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome... to Operation Mind-Fuck!"

:lol:
 
Not so much a joke but..

"You've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome... to Operation Mind-Fuck!"

:lol:

I did a little drawing of that! I was half way through colouring it with Photoshop but I never finished it. I wanted to put it on flickr or facebook.

http://img.phyrefile.com/nereid/2010/03/14/img017.jpg
 
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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant
walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my
Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I
didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
tires..
 
A school bus from Compton crashes into a ravine with all aboard killed. Consequently all of the passengers find themselves at the Pearly Gates. They ring the bell repeatedly until a very harassed St Peter appears. "Yo, Pete, when y'all gonna let us in bro?"

"Sorry," replies Peter, "But with the earthquakes in Haiti, Chile and now Turkey we're backed up in here. I've got room for ten of you and the rest of you will have to come back tomorrow. Decide amongst yourselves and I'll be back in ten minutes."

Peter returns to his office and gets bogged down with a load of paperwork. After a time the 'phone rings. "Hallo, it's Peter."

"Peter? God here. What's happening with the Compton kids?"

"Good point," Peter replies, "I'll go and check." A few seconds later he's back. "I don't believe it, they've gone!"

"What?" says God, "The Compton kids?"

"No," says Peter, "The fucking gates!"
 
^ that one is so gonna be used fridaynight :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
^I shall swap Compton for Manchester and use this :D
 
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Jimmy Carr just told this one as an example of reworking a children's joke for adults.


What's brown and sticky
Anal
 
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.


My Thai bride says I have a big cock.
Sorry, I forgot my punctuation.
My Thai bride says, "I have a big cock".


I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller".
I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".


When you stop and think about them, treadmills are fucking dangerous.


Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.
 
Hopes its not a 10 year old repost

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
Subject: 9 best uses of the "F" word



9th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

8th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

7th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

6th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

5th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

4th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3rd - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

2nd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

1st - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
 
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