Clarkson on Motor Racing

[Ilpav]

Here's another brilliant article by Jeremy Clarkson and a hint that Top Gear might return and do the BritCar 24hr Race again.

You may not understand the appeal of motor racing. You may not like it. But me? I have never understood how it is technically possible. Think about it. If you are in the lead, you take the fastest line through the corner which means the chap behind has to be on a slower line. This means he cannot get past. It is impossible.

And how do you outbrake someone into a bend? The chap in front will brake at the last possible moment, which means you have to brake beyond the last possible moment. And to make matters worse, you have to brake more because you'll be going faster, and you'll be off line.

Any attempt, therefore, to make an overtaking manoeuvre in motor racing can only result in one thing: your untimely and extremely painful death.

This is one of the reasons why I have always found it easy to say no when someone has offered me "a drive". There are other reasons though. I look stupid in racing overalls. My head is too large and misshapen to fit in a helmet. And for some extraordinary reason, I'm always busy doing something else when the invites arrive. "Oh I'm sorry. I'd love to. But I've just looked in my diary and I'm planning on laying an egg that day."

Once, however, I gave in. It was for a charity of some sort, and though it would be held in front of a Silverstone Grand Prix crowd, we'd all be driving measly Honda Civics. Better still, I wouldn't be up against lantern-jawed superheroes called Clint Thrust. It was a field full of people like John Alderton and Jeremy Irons.

At Stowe, on lap one, I put my theory about the impossibility of overtaking to the test and found it flawed. I did get past. But I don't know how, because I had my eyes shut from the moment I stamped on the brake pedal.

'I don't quite know how I ended up back at Silverstone for last year's Britcar 24. But I do know this. I loved it'

It was so frightening I began to hyperventilate, which caused my visor to steam up. And as a result, the chap I'd got past retook the place immediately.

The next lap, I realised I was catching him again and that if I wasn't careful, I'd be in a position to overtake once more at Stowe. Since I'd tried it once, and had found the experience to be less enjoyable than catching genital warts, I lifted my foot ever so slightly from the floor.

No one was any the wiser and it meant I didn't have to do any silly hero plunges into the corners. Everyone was happy, and I came third. Feeling a bit sick and vowing that I'd never do it again.

So I don't quite know how I ended up back at Silverstone for last year's Britcar 24. But I do know this. I loved it. And that makes me very angry.

Over the years, I've tried my hand at all sorts of things that you might call hobbies. I collected stamps as a boy. I had a train set. I've attempted to put up shelves, gardening, reading, chess, jigsaws, golf, tennis, painting, bird spotting, and looking at pornography on the internet. And I've been extremely bad at all of them.

And then, at the age of 47, when it's far too late, I discover something that I can not only do, but which, more importantly, I absolutely adore. Endurance motor racing. At face value, it looks like normal motor racing.

There are motorhomes, and lap tops and people in branded shirts rushing about, pretending to be Bernie Ecclestone. But there is one difference...



For the first half of the race, everyone is keen to do as many hours as possible. And for the second half, everyone wants to finish. This means that when you want to overtake someone, they get out of your way. There's none of that scrabbling around that you get in a sprint race.

And what made this doubly enjoyable was that our little BMW diesel, which we'd bought from the classifieds, for £11,000, was such a joyful car to drive. Even with a revised engine management system, it wasn't what you'd call fast. In fact, it was what you'd call slow. But with lower, stiffer suspension, slick tyres and bigger brakes it cornered and gripped like no car I'd ever driven before.

All the way from Stowe to the pit straight, it was an easy match for everything up to, and including, the 911s. On one occasion, I made a lunge for the supercharged works Jag and, even though I'd started from a long way back, I damn nearly made it.

Lesser stuff: Golfs and so on? They were a breeze. Our car could outbrake them easily and outgrip them as well. Often, the stuff that comes out of the Top Gear technology centre is a bit of a disaster. But that BMW? Jesus. It was astonishing.

Truth be told though, you never really compete out there against other cars. When you come across a pair of tail lights in the night, you don't know what it is, what class it's in, whether it's 200 laps ahead or 300 behind. So, it's not really racing.

Honestly then, what you do is spend most of your time competing against your team mates. Trying to go faster than they did. Sadly, in my case, this was a waste of time. There was no way I could be as fast as the Stig, even if I'd fitted warp drive. And, without wishing to be too disloyal, May and Hammond were a bit pedestrian.

'Quite apart from the cost of the car, and the modifications, our tyre bill at the end was £6,000'

I therefore spent most of the time competing against myself. Trying to make each lap a little bit faster, and a little bit smoother and a little bit kinder to the tyres than the one that went before. I found this more satisfying than almost anything I've ever done. Certainly, it was more successful than my shelves. Or my golf.

And, for the first time, I began to understand all that motor racing chit chat I'd heard over the years. When the tyres go off, you really can feel the grip going. And when we lost the front splitter, which I'd only attached because it looked good, we also lost four seconds a lap. Yes. One bit of plywood makes you four seconds a lap faster.

But it was the night time I enjoyed most. Aiming for a corner you can't see and then feeling the inside tyres kissing the rumble strips was so wondrous that sometimes I think I may have even been nursing a semi. Conversely, aiming for a corner you can't see and then finding it's not there because you're on the other side of the track is so alarming that your blood boils and your teeth move about.

As a result of this massive range of emotions, you never feel tired. Not even when the tyres are shot or the tank is empty and you have to pull in for a break. You sit there, in the garage, with everyone telling you to get some rest, but you can't because your blood is fizzing like champagne and you are just so excited.

Strangely, however, I never felt like I was in any danger. Everyone assumes motor racing is only one stepping stone from the Pearly Gates, but at Silverstone, in a diesel BMW, it felt no more perilous than sunbathing. Mainly because the barriers are all so far away I would have died of old age before I hit them.

It's not a cheap thrill this. Quite apart from the cost of the car, and the modifications, our tyre bill at the end was £6,000. Money, though, should concern no one engaged in a pursuit of happiness. It was invented for spending. And I can think of nothing I'd rather spend it on.

Oh and just in case you think these are the ramblings of a senile old man who thinks he could have been Michael Schumacher if he'd been given the chance, consider this: James May aka, Captain Slow, agrees with every word. Next year, I suspect we may be back.

http://www.topgear.com/content/featu...ries/09/1.html

[Viper007Bond]

Mentioned about a week ago in the Top Gear At Silverstone thread, but it's good to have it's own thread.

[flyingfridge]

Great article. I recently did my first track day and know exactly what he's on about.

[thedguy]

I seriously hope this doesn't mean 2009 they'll be back.

*convinces self that the article was likely written before x-mas and is just a victim of the 2 month or so lag between writing and printing.

[Ottobon]

Hope they go back, that was well worth re-living. If they use bio fuel again then i hope they can get the fuel-pump issues solved.

[BlaRo]

How can you be bad at looking at pornography? Then again I shouldn't criticize, because I'm practically a professional.

[BerserkerCatSplat]

Originally Posted by BlaRo

How can you be bad at looking at pornography?

You don't hide it well enough, so your wife catches you.

[Ottobon]

Originally Posted by BlaRo

How can you be bad at looking at pornography? Then again I shouldn't criticize, because I'm practically a professional.

Originally Posted by BerserkerCatSplat

You don't hide it well enough, so your wife catches you.

I actually can answer to this, as I still suck at it. I think its a issue in particular if you like the kind of somewhat innocent image of "the girl next door", because almost everything you find on the internet is overinflated bimbos who treat sex like its the natural way to greet a male. I.E. if you enjoy foreplay and some sense of "romance" as much as the actual sex then its near impossible to find a good porno, and I can only suspect romance novels are the polar opposite in that they have overtly female stereotypes instead of male ones. Or maybe i just need something less hardcore then crotches in my face before i can feel comfortable enough to be turned on, such would be why i love sexy/pretty outfits to no end.

Anyways, feel free to call me sheltered, but thats how i feel, and i wouldn't be surprised if there are more guys like me who haven't admitted it.

[BlaRo]

Originally Posted by Ottobon

I actually can answer to this, as I still suck at it. I think its a issue in particular if you like the kind of somewhat innocent image of "the girl next door", because almost everything you find on the internet is overinflated bimbos who treat sex like its the natural way to greet a male. I.E. if you enjoy foreplay and some sense of "romance" as much as the actual sex then its near impossible to find a good porno, and I can only suspect romance novels are the polar opposite in that they have overtly female stereotypes instead of male ones. Or maybe i just need something less hardcore then crotches in my face before i can feel comfortable enough to be turned on, such would be why i love sexy/pretty outfits to no end.

Anyways, feel free to call me sheltered, but thats how i feel, and i wouldn't be surprised if there are more guys like me who haven't admitted it.

The idea is that if you want romance and foreplay, you step outside and meet a girl yourself; if you want to see two strangers humping and pumping like sweaty mud-encrusted hogs in heat before they're slaughtered into low-fat pre-cooked bacon, you turn on your computer.

I know, it's hard too.

[Ilpav]

Ok...That's enough porn talk.

[DLT]

That would be awesome if they participated again, I really enjoyed that episode.

[AltimaXX]

Agreed, it would be fantastic if they did it again. This year, I'm not sure if I'd rather have them in another underdog car, or in something much, much faster. It would be interesting either way.

[qczhao]

If they went in something much faster

a) it'd be much more expensive
b) they'd probably crash it. (more)

[Jocó]

They should do it again. They got to know the track last year (sort of) and they just have to make sure Hammond doesn't crash this time

[NooDle]

I liked this article very very much. I can sort of relate because I've done quite a bit of karting in my young years (26 already...) and it's true

no matter how good your road car is now, it will pale in comparison to how fast a race car can turn and stop.

Since I did a few very long races 4 and 8hr ones with different drivers, it's weird. You get into this sort of rythm and only realise afterwards that you've been doing roughly the same laptimes for an hour on end.

[scathing]

Originally Posted by flyingfridge

Great article. I recently did my first track day and know exactly what he's on about.

Exactly. I still remember my first proper track day (not driver training) and how hyperactive I was afterwards. Not bad considering I had to be up at the crack of dawn to drive the 2 hours to the track, and I visited friends another hour in the wrong direction for dinner before going home.

I've got quite a few friends who are into cars and driving fast, and when I suggested a track day they're like, "Nah, I can do it on the street for cheaper". When I finally get them out there, they realise why I always say, "Doing a track day makes you wonder why you ever risked life, limb, and incarceration driving like a maniac on the street".

For those of you who are into driving sports cars and have the opportunity to do a circuit day but never gone through with it, do it.

[whodunnit]

i think they would be able to handle one of the gt3 aston v8's without much trouble. i mean shit, they are basically hopped up ( albeit much more expensive) N24's

[bartboy9891]

Originally Posted by whodunnit

i think they would be able to handle one of the gt3 aston v8's without much trouble. i mean shit, they are basically hopped up ( albeit much more expensive) N24's

lol, they were challenged enough by their diesel 3-series. I think they'd need a little more practice (and money) to compete with actual race cars.

[screwdriver]

So he finally caught the bug! Welcome to motor-racing, I'd say.
Well it took him 47 Years to realize, so it's got to be a good thing. You know good thing takes long wile and all that.

[scathing]

Originally Posted by bartboy9891

lol, they were challenged enough by their diesel 3-series. I think they'd need a little more practice (and money) to compete with actual race cars.

Especially if they decide to race without the Stig, who was the only reason they placed where they did. While the other drivers also had a lot of experience under their belts, none of them were famous (as the Stig is meant to be).

Still, I'd have liked to have seen them spend more time/money setting up the diesel 3 series. The long runs between fuel stops has its advantages, especially since these guys aren't good enough to lay fast consistent laptimes and lightning quick pit stops, but actually spend time and effort making that thing a proper race car rather than the "what's necessary?" modifications.