SCRIPT IDEA: Return of the Hamster

[Darcy]

Hamster's got BACK

Episode 4: a new show's beginning
Episode 5: the vehicle strikes back
Episode 6: return of the hamster



i, personally was appalled to read that richard hamster was essentially undamaged and well enough to be discharged. APPALLED! i thought discharge was something nurses wiped up so was very upset about this unwarranted celebrity drain upon the NHS.
but NO! it turns out:
• i'm living in a fantasy world of sugar frosted hazy wishful thinking about a fictional medical professional past, and
• he's been set free again.

and then it occurred to me.
"it"
not real useful, by itself, i admit.

and then it occurred to me that his nickname fit really well with an old decade-long, internet-wide, global-spanning joke site.

Hampster Dance!

http://www.lee.org/reading/general/Hampsterdance/

and i'm thinking of how it could be worked into the show the first time the hamster's wheeled back on:

------------------------------------------------------

SCRIPT:
[EARLY IN THE SHOW, SAY AT THE OUTSET, BUT WITHOUT EXPLANATION]

JAMES
Hey, about Richard, I was looking around on that interwub thing, and look what I found.

SCREEN FILLS WITH THE HAMPSTERDANCE SCREEN, PLAYS THE TUNE.
CUT TO STUDIO SHOT, JAMES & JEREMY WATCHING THIS ON A BIG PROJECTION SCREEN NEAR THEM.

JEREMY
What on EARTH. Is that?

JAMES
It's an old internet classic. An old running joke.

JEREMY
Is it.
What's it called?

JAMES
It's the Hampster Dance!

(screen shows the hampster dance field, sound plays the tune, the words "Hampster Dance" boldly overlaid on the screen)

JEREMY
There's no "P" in Hamster!

JAMES
You've never owned a hamster.



[fast segue away to something completely unrelated.
show goes on as normal.
LATER.....]



JEREMY
(turns to camera)
Now, SOME of you may be aware that earlier in the filming for this season, there was....

JAMES
A colossal crash.

JEREMY
...right...
(camera cut to close on just jeremy)
Our co-presenter, Richard Hammond, or, The Hamster as we like to call him,

JAMES
(off camera)
BAM!

JEREMY
...HAD A BIT OF AN ACCIDENT, thank you james.
(glare)

JAMES
(off camera. but sounding like he's got a self-satisfied halfhappy halfsmug half grin on his face)
Fourth of July.

JEREMY
Shut up.
(starting to walk forwards and sideways)
The Hamster had volunteered for a very dangerous experiment. It was his own idea and in fact the whole segment was his own suggestion. But, still, it was very dangerous.

We knew this. Richard knew this. Our safety team controlled every risk that was controllable. We were all very conscious of the risk. We did everything we could. But... the thing about risk is,
that's exactly what it is.
Risk.
Richard made a judgement call: that he was happy to try. His call. His choice.
We assume you all know what happened. There was

JAMES
(cut to: big grin, slight skip, arms waving in the air like he just don't care)
BANG!

JEREMY
(cut to: brittle stare off camera, turning back to
an accident. A terrible accident.
(very brief gathering-of-self. refocus on camera. best stern gravitas voice)
We're still not 100% sure what happened, but our best guess is that a tyre blew while the Hamster was doing over 300 miles per hour. There was no more anyone could have done in preparation to avoid it -- it was one of those increasingly rare things in this modern homogenised pasteurised world: a genuine accident.

The car veered sideways and despite the parachutes deploying as they were designed to do, the car still left the runway and tumbled over and over on the dirt.

JEREMY
(turns to new camera, close up, meaningful)

JAMES
(off camera, but sounding very much like: big grin, arm waving)
*BRKCHKRROWWWGGHHKKKCH*!!

JEREMY
(very quick pause. slight suggestion of grimace or eyenarrowing)(visibly not looking sideways)
WE
were all in other places around the country. But for those watching, it was horrifying. When the safety personnel reached the crashed car, Richard was upside down and dirt had filled his helmet. He was cut out of the car and taken to the ambulance.

Most of you know this from the newspapers and TV. What WASN'T reported was that during this process he was actually quite lucid, and in fact had to be argued out of performing another piece to camera. On the long ambulance trip, he received and made phone calls on his mobile. In the hospital, he was sat up and joking with the nurses.

So far, everyone thought he'd got off incredibly lightly.

JAMES
(camera cuts to him, looking serious)
Later, however, in the hospital, his brain swelled in a delayed reaction to the tremendous buffeting it had taken while rolling at 300 miles per hour, over 100 Gs.

JEREMY
There were fears for his life

JAMES
I was just about to say that.

JEREMY
(not sorry)
Sorry

JAMES
He was rushed to Intensive Care.

There was an incredible upwelling of concern from around the globe, as people around the world who watched the BBC

JEREMY
(off camera)
English people

JAMES
...people AROUND the world who watched the BBC flooded us with emails and phone calls of concern and support.

JEREMY
(cut to)
Unfortunately, this actually wasn't much use.
HE couldn't read them, because he was unconscious.
And WE couldn't do anything with them NEAR him without any number of doctors and nurses SHOUTING at us.

JAMES
You.

JEREMY
Me.
We did try printing out some of the emails to form (vague hopelessish hand indications) part of a sort of a brain sort of a head poultice sort of a thing. When they weren' t looking. But it...

didn't work very well.

JAMES
(cut back to)
But despite Nurse Jeremy's

JEREMY
(off)
hey

JAMES
best efforts, The Hamster's condition gradually improved.

JEREMY
(shot includes both)
And improved.

JAMES
And improved.

JEREMY
And now.....

CAMERA WIDESHOT OR PULLS BACK TO SHOW AMBULANCE SLOWLY MOVING THROUGH CROWD.
STOPS BROADSIDE TO CAMERA.
BUILDING OF ANTICIPATION.
REAR DOORS SWIVEL OPEN.

CUT TO CLOSE SHOT OF JUST THE OPEN DOOR STRETCHING FLATLY ACROSS HALF THE SCREEN, AMBULANCE AND DOOR PERPENDICULAR TO SHOT.

PAUSE

RICHARD'S HEAD SUDDENLY EXPLODES OUT FROM BEHIND THE DOORS AT HORIZONTAL ANGLE, FACE TO CAMERA, MANIACAL GRIN, SLIGHT WATTLING OF JAW

RICHARD
I'm back!

PULL BACK TO HAMSTER BOUNDING OUT OF AMBULANCE

RICHARD
It takes more than a fatal accident to kill ME!

HAMPSTERDANCE MUSIC KICKS OFF, RICHARD PERFORMS ONE OF THE MOVES AS THE MUSIC HAMMERS ON

CAMERA CUTS TO CLOSE SHOT OF JUST HAMSTER, DANCING

CUT TO LONG SHOT INCLUDING CROWD, WITH JEREMY AND JAMES LOOKING BLANKLY OR MAYBE VAGUELY ALARMED AT THE HAMSTER

SCREEN CUTS TO PSEUDO-WEBPAGE, THAT HAMSTER HAMPSTER MOVE COPYREPLICATED A DOZEN TIMES SIDEWAYS, CHAIN-DELAY FASHION. I.E., THE HAMPSTER GIF IS REPLACED BY THE RICHARD HAMSTER PHOTOS/STILL-IMAGES.

CUT TO:
JEREMY & JAMES
(look at each other)

MUSIC HAMMERS ON

EXTRA HAMSTER MOVE BY RICHARD SHOWN COPYREPLICATED AND ADDED IN ACROSS SCREEN IN PULL-OUT BROADER SHOT

REPEAT.

CUT TO:
JEREMY & JAMES
(look at each other, suggestions of beginnings of semi-bounce/twitch in time, but vaguely embarrassedly/unwillingly-sucked-in)

MUSIC HAMMERS ON
FOCUS ON RICHARD AGAIN
EXTRA HAMSTER MOVE BY RICHARD SHOWN COPYREPLICATED AND ADDED-IN ACROSS SCREEN IN PULL-OUT BROADER SHOT

CUT TO:
JEREMY & JAMES
(start to do one of the hampsterdance bounce and rotate moves, in synch with each other)

JEREMY&JAMES MOVE COPIED&INTERLEAVED INTO SCREEN IN PULL-OUT BROADER SHOT.
JEREMY SLIGHTLY UNCOORDINATED/GANGLY, JAMES SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED/BEMUSED.

REPEAT.

UNTIL: WHOLE SCREEN FILLED TO HAMPSTERDANCE.COM PROPORTIONS AND EACH BIT BEING HAMPSTERDANCE.COM BEHAVIOUR, BUT WITH EACH LITTLE ICON BEING JAMES OR JEREMY OR RICHARD, RATHER THAN THE ORIGINAL HAMPSTERS.


FADE ON SCREEN FILLED WITH RICHARD & JAMES & JEREMY ALL DOING FUNKY NAFF HAMPSTER MOVES TO FUNKY NAFF HAMPSTER THEME, ALL A LITTLE *TOO* BOUNCY AND ANGULAR.
SOUND FADES
LAST MOMENT: SWITCH AND SUDDEN FREEZE TO MISTILY BORDERED SNAPSHOT OF RICHARD MID-MARCHING OFF-GROUND POSE
LIKE THIS:

, BUT HELD STILL.

FROM THE SOUNDTRACK: JUST THE HAMPSTER CHUCKLE.


CUT TO ADS OR SIMILAR BREAK.

SHOW CONTINUES.



CLOSE THE SHOW ON:

VOICEOVER
(still-shot of lovely if overwrought chelsea flower show style garden)
JEREMY
(weedily pretentious, lilting)
A Sunday Times article, entitled
"In Search of a Real Garden at the Chelsea Show"
published Sunday 25 May 2003.

By J. Clarkson. Age 5.

(power)
Every week I strap myself into a monstrously powerful car and hurtle around a test track in a blaze of tyre smoke and noise. It's a constant battle with the laws of physics, and that's a dangerous game to play. One day, inevitably, it'll end in tears.

(suddenly calmer, reflective)
Still, in a good week the television programme that results attracts 3.7 million viewers, making it the second-most watched programme on BBC2.

Interestingly and rather annoyingly, we're beaten by "Gardener's World"


[CREDITS]


AFTER CREDITS:
AFTER THE CREDITS, STILL-SHOT OF LOVELY BUT OVERWROUGHT CHELSEASHOW STYLE GARDEN REAPPEARS.
A SECOND LATER, AN IMAGE OF RICHARD SUPERIMPOSED ACTUAL HAMSTER-/MOLE-SIZED APPEARS ON A GRASSY PART OF IT. PAUSES. MUSIC STARTS. STARTS TO DANCE, TO THE MUSIC.

PAUSES. PRODUCES A SHOVEL.
DRAMATICALLY.
SOUND: HAMPSTER CHUCKLE

CUT TO CLOSE SHOT OF JEREMY SITTING DOWN IN STUDIO
JEREMY:
(stroking topgeardog)
Our secret mole is in position on Gardener's World, Jamesfeld!

CUT TO CLOSE SHOT OF JAMES SITTING DOWN IN STUDIO
JAMES:
(leaning back, slow smile, fingers steeple-tapping Monty Burns style)
Eexxxxcccelllenttttttt......

[SteveUK]

Originally Posted by Darcy

i, personally was appalled to read that richard hamster was essentially undamaged and well enough to be discharged. APPALLED!

So you wanted him to die?

[West]

[Marked]

There's too much Caps Lock in that post, I can't be bothered to read it. But I would also like an explanation as to why you were "APPALLED".

[ahpadt]

TG isnt scripted

[No Boss]

Originally Posted by Marked

I can't be bothered to read it.

[No Boss]

edit: double post

[matt2000]

Originally Posted by No Boss

[BlitzR]

Originally Posted by matt2000

[Alok]

Originally Posted by BlitzR

either

[Janus]

I read about the first 3 lines and then gave up. Although I am on alot of hayfever medication at the moment and am finding it quite hard to focus on anything at the moment.. I was playing TDU before, but gave up because I kept zoning out and crashing.

From what I read it seems that you are sad that he was discharged from hospital.

[British_Rover]

Originally Posted by alokharidas

either

[dice]

too long didnt read lol

[Aardvark]

I read the bit about Billy Oddie because I like him and then left it as that.

[vRS]

Interesting idea indeed...........

[maximus]

Um, I read it. Now I'm confused. You fail to make sense at times in your script, but parts of it are funny.

[Ventura6]

Darcy, don't feel bad. If they read it, at least they didn't waste time.

[mojo_786]

How on earth could u write so much? :S

[bartboy9891]

Originally Posted by mojo_786

*How on earth *could u write so much? :S

*why *would

[Blind_Io]

You open with "The Hamster Dance" an internet cliche that has, fortunately, been dead for the last 8 years. That alone is enough to toss the entire thing.

No. Just... NO!