from an old episode:

To do this stunt would be absolute madness. right, wheres hammond.

he must've been talking about an alfa... lol


another one of my favourites isn't really a quote, but the whole section back in 01x02 when he's talking about the MG-SV being developed without BMW knowing...

04x05 JC "We worked tiresley through the night sometimes, thinking up excuses to not bothering to test them."

Allso there is a good James May quote, he describes being stoped by the Italian police while going 120MPH for having his fuel filler cap open. :)

Another good one is from Hamster- "So, after being peleted by golf balls, Top Gear aranged for a car to be struck by lightning. With me in it"

wow, these all need to be added to the wikiquote site. http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Top_Gear

JM: Here is a long, sweeping curve where Jeremy will get carried away with the "pow-wer" and crash

JM: Sorry, I just can't take lessons in physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.

RH: If you want to drive to the north pole, get a Hammond.

JC: By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge.

I think the Clarkson impression by James("POWAAH!") was funny once or twice, but after that it got old. But the first occasion was great.

Not a particular quote per se, but I get a good laugh every time I hear any one of them say something along the lines of "so, I've been doing some maths."

Maybe its because I'm just not accustomed to hearing the word "maths" as shorthand for mathematics, but more likely, its because they all strike me as being about as mathematically inclined as a turtle.

haha yeah I said the same thing when I first heard that. It's always funny when Americans hear that for the first time. If I had a dollar for everytime one said...."You might be good at MATH ...but you're pretty bad at English....huckhuckhuck."

Oh, 1 more: Hammond testing Lamborghini roaster....

"I haven't felt this alive since.... this morning when I was chased by a bull actually. But, it's an unusual kinda day."

May: To our future
May: I really enjoyed our day out, Richard
May: It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jeremy: "...so a COW, does more global warming than a RANGE ROVER."

Hammond: "Just because you've come dressed as a farmer i dont..."

HAHA! yeah! I adore the music playing during that scene! SO appropriate. :lol:

JC - "I was ignoring you, I'm a man!"

JM - "Permission to say cock on BBC 1"

RH - "I am a driving god!"

here's a good one I just heard from Hamster:

"I'll never be able to get that out of my mind where I've just been... jammed between Jeremy's things in a dutch three-wheeler!"

RH: How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here.
JC: You see the thing is Hammond, i prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth-whitening.
RH: I HAVE NOT, HAD MY TEETH WHITEND

Possibly the best teeth whitening joke :lol: .

JM: Now for the news, now its a shame Jeremy didn't like the 350Z, i wondered if he would be interested in the 350Z watch, its a big watch with a small face on it.
JC: I will proberbly go TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, it will be very heavy.

JC: I garantee that won't stop the Mini, partly because its not substantinal enougth, but mainly because you built it in front of that slope, and the mini is coming down that one :mrgreen: .
RH: Right.....OK.
JC: Didn't you realise it was coming down that one.
RH: NO, OBVIOUSLY OTHERWISE I'D HAVE BUILT IT IN FRONT OF THAT ONE.

RH: With this ill construct something that will rival the Hoover-Dam, then those 2 muppets won't be laughing at me then.

My favorite is when he just finished reviewing the 350z, they go to the news bit, and they show a 350z watch, clarkson comes and says "It will propably go TICK-TOCK, TIIIICK-TOOOOCK and it will be very heavy so you'll have to be like this with it ( he lies down on the couch with his hand on the groud.)

DAMMIT, I didnt notice that.

In the Winter Olympics special, the last line:

"And on that bombshell, or as he would now say it (In a very high pitched voice) AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL, it's time to end the show"
-JC

From the May 23rd, 2004 episode when they crash their 100 pound cars...

JC: Yes, he's dead, so that's 10 points away there. And if you want a job uhh on Top Gear please write to Top Gear...

RH: No! No! Wait! Look! He's coming around!

JC: He is!

RH: He's alive!

JC: He lives!

RH: HAHA! That's not 10 points off though. Blast!

JM: That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done.

:lol:

JM: And now for the news, and this week it's been officialy announced that Jeremy Clarkson is an arse.

JC: :(can't reply because he's laughing to hard)

:lol: :lol:

haha :lol:

JC: (In funny American voice) Ladies and Gentlemen, i believe this car is a Phemoninon.
JK: Its not really a Phenominon is it?
JC: Its just.......rubbish.

This from the Winter Olympic special.

JC: Do many people fall through the ice in Norway?
Norwegian Guy: Yes
JC: Often?
NG:Yes, 2 last week
JC: And are they dead?
NG : (pause) quite dead
:o

Clarkson about Clio V6: "I think the problem is, that it is french. It´s a surrender-monkey"

:lol: there were many funny things said in the clio v6 clip.

"You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying "I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!" Yeah, but... (grimaces)" (commenting on the Range Rover Sport)

Joined the board just so I could post that.

:lol: :lol: I love it when people join to submit quality stuff! Welcome :thumbsup:

Thankyou. :D

And some more, from the Heaven and Hell DVD:

"And you'd never ever ever ever get bored with that Head-Up Display. Look at it! Oooh, I'm sorry Officer, that I ran over the old lady, but she was obscured by my rev counter."

"Actually, the best thing on this HUD, are the little numbers at the bottom of the screen there. That gives you a lateral G readout. How big an accident are you going to have trying to make those numbers as big as possible?

Season 1 ep. 8, news about new Audi TT & new gearbox.
RH & JC : I d like to ring a dealer up & say : "This Gearbox..",- dunno mate, "is it an automatic or a manual", - it s witchcraft it's what it is.

JC: "Teeth, be quiet!"

About launching a Mini off a ski jump. (Winter Olympic special)

JC: Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress
JM: Well, no, it isn't. It's a constant all over the world. This is quite simple arithmatically; we've got .. it's V=U+A^2. We know what acceleration due to gravity is: 9.8 meters per second squared, but that's weight component down a plane because it's on a slope. So we need to get the mass of the car and we need to know the angle of the slope and then we also need to work out the angle where it gets to the lip where it jumps off. That will give us V which will then follow sort of a parabolic trajection. We should be able to then calculate the exact point when the car comes and meets the snow.
JC: I think we should go and get a cup of tea and work that out.

A couple from December 25, 2004-On trying to find a decent car from the Pacific Rim:

JM --(On the Hyundai Accent 1.5 diesel ) It cost £9400. For that you get…well it’s like a car really, only not quite as good

JC--Next year Daewoo are changing their name to -and I’m not joking- to Chevrolet. It’s a brilliant idea! I’m going to change my name to George Clooney to make me attractive and you’ll all wanna sleep with me.

May: "The problem with the Morgan is... it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the 40s."

I loved that line! :thumbsup:

JC: "Welcome to Top Gear beach, our version of Venice Beach,in California
except...........No."

My favoite quote of the whole show so far.

Season 4 Episode 4, Jeremy Clarkson on the Carrera GT:

"Even in the fastest most exotic cars there's a point where the power starts to lose it's battle with the friction with the air but in this ... there's no let up at all. It's like it's moving in a vaccuum! Hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty, hundred and forty, hundred and fifty--IT JUST ISN'T GOING TO STOP!".

Oh man... where is that line from? It's quite funny!

it was from the Chrysler uhm... car coupe review..

CROSSFIRE! i think.

It is from Season 1 ep. 2, interview with J.K.

From winter olympics on Hamster, while wearing short sleeves:

JM: It must have been really cold in there
JC: Ya, or he's just a big girls blouse

JC: Old Jags were filled with wood and pipe tobacco; they were like being inside James May.

"Right, here we go: Millau, 500 miles, all of 'em fast!"

(talking about christmas gifts) "Now we start with this Mobile phone charger. Or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!"

When did Clarkson do the R500?

And when was May's "Bryson & England" rant

the bryson one is in 06x02's news

cheers

Thats the seasons funniest moment for me.
(Fezza's 612 race to Verbier, if i recall)

Though the height jokes started getting old, this past season I just loved Clarkson's sudden references to Hamster's homosexuality and teeth whitening.

I hope this season has new cracks! :lol:

I cant find May's rant in 06x02. Do u have a time code?

crap... my bad... i meant to say 05x02, time code 08:37 - 10:00

yes that works

JC: But people carriers are for people who have given up
Johnny Vegas: ....LOOK AT ME!

uhm...Johnny Vegas episode

Jeremy talking about a Perodua Kanari (a very small car): "It's called the Kanari - sounds like a food blender. They say it's a multipurpose vehicle. Now I can see one use for it you could use it to stop a door banging in the wind but I'm struggling to think of another use." :lol:

Richard: You could put a chicken in it
May: But only one. If you put two it comes a battery and illegal

Anything off the winter olympics episode is just great :lol:

"Speaking of Hammond, look. (Pointing at Jag) The cars had its teeth whitened.."

Winter Olympics

About Richard's snow "Dam": There's two reasons why this isn't gonna work. One, it's not substantial enough and two you've built it on the wrong slope!"


May holding on to rails while standing on frozen platform: If I lose it now, I'll end up in the Lillehammer asda...

Jeremy folding the seats in the XC90: The good thing is, I actually got one of these at home! *Minute later* I'll have to phone my wife...... :lol:

Some great quotes in here :lol:

Off the top of my head;

eposide where Ronnie O'Sullivan races the stig driving his car against potting all the balls... talking about the snooker table;

"or when richard hammond arrived at the studio, Crikey, a football pitch!"

In the interview with Davina McCall about buying a Prius instead of a Range Rover:

"Thank you so much! Here, have some of my south African peace crisps" :lol:

"They look so stylish and art deco, you could fuel them with frappochino" During the Focus ST review.

One of my favourites; (From 7x01)

On the Mini Estate made 'British' with spoons and teabags.

Jeremy - We should do a car that's quintessentially German
Richard - You mean replace the spoons with little sausages?
Jeremy - No, traffic indicators that go like that *raises arm*
Sat Nav that only does to Poland!
UFFF EIN FANBELT VILL LAST FOR THHHUUSAND YEARS

Also from the same episode with 'TopGayer'

Richard - I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy - What? They've just became white?
Richard - In the same way yours have become green!

You end up here - 14 inches from the end of the runway. And in big, BIG trouble:D
2x07

JC: Like all TVR's, the Sagaris has insane styling. It apears to have been designed by a lunatic, and then hit with an axe! :lol:
-Look at this for a starting procedure! It's like starting up the star ship Enterprise! :D

that was the first ever top gear episode i saw, and I laughed my head off! :mrgreen:

If this thread goes on long enough we colud eventually have everything the Top Gear presenters have ever said. :lol:

^^Like, for example, "And on that bombshell...." :evil:

what about "he's a horse of a man!"

I love that bit.

And "My wife loves the way the dashboard lights up like the backside of a baboon" :lol:

Talking after the C2 Fiesta ST race:

JC: "This car is the daddy!"
RH: "You're right. His hip's gone and it can't dance!"

Porsche Cayman episode

JM: Do you know why the producer bought his car without satnav?

JC: Because he's an IDIOT!

JM: No, because that was i told him to do...


:lol: :lol: :lol:

My Fav JC qoute both come from his test drive of the Clio V6
May not be 100% accurate but you'll get the gist

"It's like, the whole of the French Air Force...crashed into a fireworks factory..."
"I wanna go home and make love and make cheese....cause I'm french, and that's what I do...."

:thumbsup:

Re: Micra CC (in pink, of course)

JC: How bad is it?
RH: How bad? Well look, just look at it! How bad do you think it is?
JC: It just looks like a scrotum!

Don't remember exactly but i loved the one when JC was testing the Vanquish against the 575. He said something along the lines of - it sounds like Tom Jones bending to pick up a soap in prison... aaaargggggghh...
I laughed my arse off.

Last episode in carwash:

JC: "Let's just run.... (loud cracking noises and smoke) Run! Run!" :lol:

JC: I preffer to spend my money on petrol not on teeth whitening!
:D

Jezzer Testing the Saab 9-5 Aero

JC: The handling is just histerical, it's like driving A FAST bouncy castle. :thumbsup:

JC while reviewing the Cayman S: They should really have named it the Cockster!

and it's especially funny how he doesn't use another name for it in the whole clip :)

I would so love to always call it cockster but you can't really do that since nobody would understand that joke :)

"I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine!" - Richard Hammond

"[about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."" - Jeremy Clarkson

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face." - Jeremy Clarkson

James May: I've just noticed, looking though these results, that ten of the thirteen bottom cars are French.
Jeremy Clarkson: That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment!
James May: I think they're just catching fire by themselves!

announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005, "Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch." - Jeremy Clarkson

the other candidate for the biggest gas guzzler was the Ford GT, which ran out of petrol on the track.

Oh I loved the 2005 Awards one. Hilarious.

Haha, yeah

"What kind of thonk are you wearing anyway?" :D

TG [02x09]

Jeremy reviewing the new Vauxhall Signum:

"The most obvious difference from where I am sitting is this panel in the roof, which contains lots of different storage bins. Now, this one, I can see, is very useful for storing sunglasses. But these two here… It's difficult to find out what you might fit in them. I mean... nothing you normally keep in a car would fit. Roadmaps, CDs, boxes of tissues and so on... The only thing I have been able to find, which does fit, is a stick of celery, which... look at that... Perfect! And that shows a level of thoughtfulness and attention to detail that we've simply not seen from any other car-maker. Every other car I've ever driven - the celery is just gonna… rolls around, getting in the way of the major controls, which is poor and can be dangerous. No, really, who else provides storage for celery? Not even the new Rolls-Royce has that."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

And also in the same episode:

JC: This is a country where homosexual marriage is legal.
RH (sitting between Jeremys legs and speaking with “dutch accent"): He is my partner and also my lover.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

08x02

While reviewing the Jaguar XK

JC: Some people have criticised it for looking too like an Aston Martin...are they mad?! Thats like criticising a bloke for looking too like Brad Pitt!

:lol:
so true!

Jeremy, while the presenters were on that radio program thing, answering a question by a caller on why TG likes fast cars so much (should be on my sig too, at the time of writing):

"People would say, 'why do you like fast cars? 'So I can get home more quickly... Fifteen mile drive from the motorway to my house, if I had a car less than 500 horsepower I can't overtake anybody. More than 500 horsepower I can get back more quickly, I see the children more, read them a bedtime story, they're less likely to be glue sniffers. So 500 horsepower or more... it enriches people's lives."

:lol:

I got it from the "official" SCR download (the 36 minute one).

"This is a car program. There will be no cushions. There will be no rag-rolling. No one will sing, and at the end of the series, no one will have a recording contract. This is our new base. And this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, well, apart from this one - and no bus lanes either. This is Top Gear."

Jezza when introducing the Mercedes CL 65 AMG.

"David Beckham, if your watching, you can't have one. In fact you can't have any new cars, and no new hairstyles, and no new tattoos. All we want from you for the next two years until the world cup is for you to practice taking penalties."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Clarkson when reviewing the worst car in the world...the Toyota Prius.

Describing how quiet the Prius is:

"I am driving along now slowly in a village. And that means I am running greenly and silently on the electric motor only. See the trees smile at me as I waft by and watch the children run into the road because they havent heard me coming."

Then he tells about the navigatiom system:

"This I think is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who has run into the road having not heard you."

and here comes the best part:

"Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, retrieve his ball and grow to puberty before you ever actually hit him".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Should have been the first post in this thread :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Actually if you're mentioning the Prius the best one there was "Look left, look right, look left, listen, walk, wonder as you go through the windscreen why the hell you never heard it coming".

James May:

You are such a pair of whittering Nazi boys... six gears....

You utter Pirate!!

JC: THEEERRRREEEE and another one THEEEREEEE

JC: HOw long is it since you were in a sailing boat?
JM: thirty-one years.

JC: those inCOMPETENT co-presenters i have...

JC: I've got a spare outboard.
RH: you're joking.
JC: i have, how much will you give me?
RH: a million pounds
JC: a million..
RH: and a leg, take your pick, either leg.


it was classic, JC "bailing" out hammond each time.

"Sounds like a good idea. Actually, it's a complete waste of nine pounds ninety-nine. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot, and your car's just a burnt out shell you'll know you're in France anyway, so why do you need that?" (not sure on the last bit, but it's a JM quote)

It was Nancy boys, not Nazi.

From last episode:


JC to Hamster about hand washing cars:

"Do you live in a yoghurt commercial!?" :lol:

"It's march, its the coldest march in twenty years, because of global warming..." -Clarkson

James May: Talking about people voting for Meatloaf for besting best driving music.

"Assuming you can get your fat, swollen, sweaty stumbs of inbreed fingers on to the 5 button".


Richard Hammond: While reviewing the Caddy CTS and comparing it to the old STS.

"Because the last cadillac to be sold in the UK was the STS and that was rubbish and I do mean rubbish. It handled and looked like a Pig"

Richard Hammond (8x03 dooing the cool wall)
"I love that vision of just blasting thrugh the gates backwards in a flaming swedish supercar, Yes im here, where are the woman!"

"YOU! YOU OWE ME MILLION POUNDS!" God I laughed :lol:

:jc:
"That Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time".

"It's pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers".

[about Ferrari Enzo] "Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... "The Colin".

To a biker on the Nürburgring: "Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!"

"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss." (Mercedes CLS55 AMG)

(While producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90 in the Winter Olympics Special) "Not only is he using the wrong car, but he's using the wrong gun."

(About his Ford GT) "The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at 'Actually I've Got a Peugeot' BBC Top Gear, London W12"

(While the three are driving to the car/boat task) ...And so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

:james:

"What's the Norwegian for "Oh, cock"?

"With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target." (commenting on Jeremy's accuracy with the MP5A4 in the Winter Olympics special)



:richard:

"Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the 47th time today." - on Clarkson's Ford GT during their race in supercars to the Millau Viaduct in France


:lol: :lol:

Audi TT
03X08

Clarkson...

"I've just gone 1st 2nd 3rd so it’s bound to assume I want 4th next. But I've suddenly decided I want 2nd! And it did it. How did it know? It's witchcraft!"

"This may look like the world's fastest banana..." - Some woman on old Top Gear describing some car at a show

I know it's not a quote from either of those guys, but you got to admit it's quite amusing.

RH: 8x01

"Lion Porn!!"

08x03

James breaks down right next to Hamster... rofl.

Clarkson (narrating)
The big question was, who would arrive first: summer? Or James May?