Yes, it's true, Top Gear will shortly be back on your telly. Huzzah. But when the team reassembled to plan this, the eighth series, we had a problem. With an expectant world waiting, how could we keep the show fresh after seven storming series? New titles? A slicker studio? Take the presenters shopping and buy them all new smart-casual jackets?
Well, yes. But there had to be something else. And there was. An idea of such brilliance all other programmes will be copying it by the time the year's out. At a stroke, the show has been refreshed, reinvented, reinvigorated, all by just one simple action. To find out what it is, tune in to BBC2 at 8pm on Sunday, May 7. And that's not all we've got coming up...
Citroen Gee Gee 6
Big Citroens shouldn't just be as weird as one of those French art house films where a girl spends three hours discussing the meaning of a cheese; they have to be super comfy too. That's why for years the BBC used an old CX to film all its horse racing coverage.
To find out if the new C6 is as soft riding, Jeremy took it down to the 2.30 at Towcester and strapped a camera to the roof.
Kit car challenge
Kit cars have been conspicuous by their absence on Top Gear. Well, rejoice stout fingernail breakers, because the Top Gear team is about to join your ranks, as we tasked Jeremy, Richard and James with building a whole Caterham, from scratch, against the clock.
And, to make things more interesting, our boys would be competing against another car-building team comprising Jeremy's wife, Richard's wife and James's girlfriend. Warning: This item may contain strong language, fist fights and scenes of a divorce-related nature.
When James met Jackie
For some time, James May's Top Gear nickname has been Captain Slow, thanks to a driving style best described as 'stately'. But enough's enough. We decided it was time to make Captain Slow into Captain Quick with the aid of a driving coach who knows how to combine a May-esque smooth style with F1-winning pace. That'll be Sir Jackie Stewart, then.
The three-time world champ has just one day to give James the tips he needs to lop multiple seconds off his pace around Oulton Park in a TVR Tuscan convertible, and learn that driving fast can be as fun as propping up a bar with a copy of Auto Trader and a pint of brown booze.
Devil in the details
The new Porsche Cayenne Turbo S is the fastest 4x4 in the world. But is it faster than gravity? We're about to find out as we rendezvous with ace sky-diving squad the Red Devils and ask their top man to perform a pant-wetting high-speed descent, which involves popping his 'chute at the very last minute.
Meanwhile, Hammond is racing him to the drop zone along the Cyprus Rally course. Only one of these things is actually heroic.
On the spot
Yes, our great nation is steeling itself for World Cup fever as our boys go to battle on German soil to the delight of everyone. Well, everyone except Jeremy and James, who think footballers are big girls in Range Rover Sports.
Nonetheless, TG decided to get into the spirit of things by doing our bit for the beautiful game. That's why we'll be delivering the actual centre-spot turf for a World Cup pitch, from the secret location where it's grown, all the way to the stadium where it will form the most important part of the hallowed turf. This is a big job. And also a great way to test boot carpet soil-stain resistance.
Parkour blimey
If you asked people for their preferred way of getting around a city centre, most would probably say walking or driving. It's not likely you'd hear the answer, 'I like to jump perilously from building to building many metres above street level like some crazed monkey man in a kind of daredevil extreme sport we call Parkour'.
Fortunately, we eventually found someone who did give that answer and immediately roped him into one of our Top Gear races. In this case, our Parkour man has to get across a city in less time than the new Peugeot 207. It's the ultimate test of the new car's urban zippiness. And possibly also the ultimate chance to see a man really, really hurt his ankles.
Jeremy does luxury
With more computing power than a rocket scientist's bedroom, the new S-Class is an astonishing piece of kit. Yet the interior is still all ruched leather and colours you'd never have in your house. So Clarkson decided to show how luxury should be done by buying an old S-Class, stripping out the ruching and employing the services of a French interior designer.
She immediately came up with a design as cool as a Parisian vodka bar. Unfortunately, Jeremy decided to ignore her and poured three tons of concrete into the car so he could install a slate floor and a real fire. The result's rather interesting. Particularly when James and Richard take Jeremy's car for a spin and realise he's forgotten to bolt down all the furniture.
It's not rocket science. Oh wait, it is
The climax of this year's Top Gear Winter Olympics special was the spectacular launch of a Mini off a ski-jump. And credit for the car's graceful flight goes to our friends at the British Rocketry Association.
Buoyed by that unlikely success, we asked them what else they could do, and naturally they suggested turning a Reliant Robin into the Space Shuttle.
So, with some light modifications, an unloved three-wheeler was transformed into an accurate replica of a NASA orbiter. Then we bolted rocket motors to the Reliant's belly, winched it onto a launch pad in the middle of an East Anglian airfield and retreated to a safe place. Which ideally would have been New Zealand.
Dads don't despair
Fatherhood may bring great pride and reward, but with it comes the risk of losing your dignity by driving an MPV. Of course it doesn't have to be this way, as Hammond demonstrates when he assembles three practical family cars that don't make you lose the will to live.
The Focus ST-engined Ford S-Max, AMG-wheeled Mercedes B200T, and the 237bhp Vauxhall Zafira VXR face up to the funky family car challenge. And from the off you'd have to say their designers knew the target market because each comes with a turbo - one small word that is guaranteed to make a dad feel he's getting his mojo back.
Radio wan
Drive-time shows on local radio stations bring pleasure to millions of motorists every day. That is until one of them is hijacked by our presenters. No, this isn't some zany guest spot while the regular jock lurks in the background keeping things on track. It's just our boys, a big complicated desk with sliders on it, and the open airwaves of early evening.
The only thing that protects James and Jeremy from accidentally talking over the travel news, playing all the wrong songs and accidentally firing off jingles for Danny Steele's 2am Trucker Love slot is one-time DJ Richard Hammond. Only he can make this farce into a mere shambles and stop Jeremy from playing prog rock until there are no listeners left at all.
White van man challenge
No series of Top Gear can go by without some kind of foolish car-buying challenge for the presenters. So far they've bought sub-£100 cars, crusty 1980s coupes, inadvisably cheap Porsches and disastrously low-priced supercars. Now they face a more practical task.
Each of them must buy a van, one that works on at least some cylinders and has at least several parts that aren't rusted through, and use it to perform a series of vanly duties. We've got them shifting a variety of heavy loads and roadie-ing for a well-known beat combo. All of which could be a problem for Richard Hammond whose van seems to be a little, erm, small.
Ice, ice baby
Of all the subjects Top Gear receives letters about, the one that comes up time and time again is 'Why oh why can't someone make canoes less boring?' Over to canoe correspondent Richard Hammond.
After extensive research, Dr Hammond worked out that the main reason is because they don't have engines. But, as luck would have it, we found Shaun Baker, the top man in the field of inserting yourself into a glass-fibre lozenge and paddling down a river. And he's just fitted his new canoe with a jet engine. So we challenged him to a race on Iceland's fearsome Iceberg Lake; him in his jet kayak, Hammond in a TVR-powered Tomcat 4x4.
How hard can it be? No.1
How hard can it be to make an amphibious car? We decided to find out. Each presenter had to buy the kind of car they considered most suited to aquatic cocking about and then make it at least moderately ship-shape. After that they'd meet up to reveal the vessels and complete a cold and watery challenge.
Jeremy immediately chose an indestructable Toyota pick-up and slapped a massive outboard motor on the back. Richard went for a VW camper van and set about turning it into a narrowboat. Finally, James May's car-boat of choice was a Triumph Herald and his favoured propulsion system of choice was, of course, the sail. Then we made them cross a lake. How hard can it be? A bit harder than they thought.
How hard can it be? No.2
When Nissan announced a version of its Micra that was both convertible and pink, it gave the TG team an idea. Convertibles have been made from almost every type of car, right down to hatches like the Micra, but no one has ever tried a convertible people carrier. Until now, because Jeremy, James and Richard decided to give it a go. After all, how hard can it be?
The starting point was an old Renault Espace, which the boys swiftly introduced to a circular saw. Then they set about fitting a hood. James did the design work and Jeremy took care of stitching, claiming to be good at this. He wasn't. With shoddy hood paired to roofless Espace, the presenters then embarked on a rigorous test programme, including a trip to the safari park to check monkey resistance and, of course, bear-proofing.
We're all going on a miserable holiday
TG is not famed for its love of caravans. All that holding up traffic and spoiling other people's views and then spending the weekend trudging to the shower block with a loo roll under your arm. But if you can't beat them, maybe it's time to join them, at least for one Bank Holiday.
So it was that the three presenters ended up on their own miserable odyssey. What's it like being the one at the front of a 15-mile tailback? What's it like having your home strapped behind you like a massive fiberglass snail? And what's it like being stuck in a confined space with James May, winner of the 2005 BAFTA for most flatulent man on television?
May 15th, 2006, 09:37 PM
Top Gear Series Preview - May contain spoilers? 
