The Joke Thread

Kermit the Frog just died of Swine Flu. His last words: That fucking pig told me she was clean.
 
SHARING


This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..


He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . .

(This is great)




'THE TEETH.'
 
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the
convent, and the last instruction
the Mother Superior is that they must not
get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door
of the room, strip off their habits, and
paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a
knock at the door. "Who is it?"
calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies
a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and
decide that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door. "Nice boobs," says the
man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
 
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
 
Two nuns...
Two nuns are riding bicycles through town.

One Nun looks around at the unfamiliar street and says "I've never come this way before"
Her friend says "It's probably the cobbles."
 
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She
said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you ?500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the
financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't,
Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying
Sue the agreed sum of ?500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you ?500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me ?500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the
office this morning and borrowed ?500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'


Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
 
How do you know God was a civil engineer?

He put the recreation area right next to the sewage outlet.
 
"Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
:D
 
Not really a joke but still funny

TRUE STORY: (well possibly)

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars ?1 and coaches ?5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25
years , then one day didn't turn up for work...

Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant...... Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility... Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he.... Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching
our full potential as a person.

It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and
all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
blonde yells,

'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit
sitting on your knee.
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon
 
I hope this hasn't been posted before.


A helicopter pilot is taking his buddy up for a ride, flying around Seattle, and the fog rolls in. They get lost. Finally, the cloud parts and they see someone standing on a rooftop. They yell down to him, "Hey! Where are we?" The rooftop guy responds, "You're in a helicopter!"

The helicopter pilot laughs and says, "I know exactly where we are. We're above the Microsoft campus in Redmond, where they write the online help." His buddy says "Huh? How did you know that?" And the pilot replies, "The information was absolutely accurate and not at all helpful."
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the five dollar notes in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day.
 
Whats the difference between a whore and a drug dealer?

The Dealer can't wash his crack and sell it again.
 
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How many forum members do you need to change a lightbulb?

* 1 to change the light bulb

* 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

* 53 to flame the spell checkers

* 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

* ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

* 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

* 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

* 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

* 111 to defend the posting to this forum sayi

* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

* 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

* 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

* 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

* 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

* 44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

* 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

* 1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
 
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