The Joke Thread

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here." So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?" The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some corn?
 
Hehe, we have the same joke here. The only difference is that our version uses a bunny instead of the duck. Quite amazing.

Anyway I'm quite disappointed. I thought FG members were funnier. Oh well, here's my contribution:

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral
witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including
the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racoon. The racoon is yelling,
"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
 
^ <_< Hmmm. I thought that joke would be funny based on your build up.
 
^ I thought it was a pretty good mocking of stereotypes :lol:
 
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Bloke forgot to put his rubbish bin out for collection, so the dustman being a nice fella, knocked on his door and said "where's ya bin?"

The bloke said "I bin in Manchester".

"no, where's ya wheelie bin" said the garbo.

"well.........I wheelie bin in jail, but I tell everyone I bin in Manchester!"
 
The Schitt Family
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Don't ban me, please...
 
:lmao:


And now, for some epp_b-style humor...

Q: Why could you get arrested for having left-over sauce?
A: For being in possession of a congealed weapon

* ba-boom chshshshsh*

Why, yes, thank-you, I made that one up myself :p

Alright, alright, for a real joke, see here :lol:
 
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A Michael Jackson joke now, hope i remember it.


A kid heard the ice cream van. So did Michael Jackson.

A kid bought an Ice Cream. So did Michael Jackson.

The kids ice cream melted. So did Michael Jackson.

Another MJ joke now.

Q: Whats the difference between a Playstation and Michael Jackson
A: Little boys turn them on.
 
Cobol, that is so funny in so many ways! :rofl:

Alright, fluke, what was the joke? :lol:
 
Here's one keeping with the 'shit' theme.... :lol:

The Most Functional Word in the English Language.
Well, it's shit, that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together.

Find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine-ola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits,

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit.

Other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit, or not do so, if you don't give a shit!

Well, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head.

Well, shit happens!
 
About as flexible in use as this word, courtesy George Carlin.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 When
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list
 
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14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list
I love recursiveness :lol:
I love recursiveness :lol:
I love recursiveness :lol:
I love recursiveness :lol:
I love recursiveness :lol:
...

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
Shame on you, your passwords should be alphanumeric ;)
 
two guys are walking through the woods and come across this hole. They look inside and can't see the bottom. Being naturally curious one of them throws a stone into the hole. they wait for a sound and hear nothing so the other guy finds a pretty big rock and hefts it into the hole with a similar result. after searching around for somethign else to try throwing into the hole both men find a piece of railroad rail. They struggle to pick it up and walk it over to the hole counting to three the heave it into the whole and wait. no sound but about 40 seconds later this goat comes leaping out of the woods and jumps right into the hole. both men deciding this was quite enough strangness for one day carry on with their walk. about 20 minutes later they encounter a farmer on the path. the farmer says he lost his goat and had the 2 men seen it. they reply that the only goat they had seen jumped into the big hole back along the path. to which the farmer replys... "couldnt have been my goat he was tied to a railroad rail"

wow it looks so much longer typed out
 
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http://img152.imageshack.**/img152/1112/thefunnyom1.jpg
 
Alright, fluke, what was the joke? :lol:

that's an english english joke based on the misunderstanding of "where's ya bin" (where have you been / where is your (rubbish)bin)

an english mate of mine laughed his ass of :p
 
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
 
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