"Hold me closer tiny Hamster" - my shameful crush on Richard Hammond
Because I lived in America for about 20 years, I had never heard of Richard Hammond or Top Gear until I moved to London. I'd occasionally hear his name thrown around here and there and the sporadic mention of, "MATE! Did you see Top Gear last night!? It was proper wicked, huh? HUH?" But alas, I just figured it was some blokey show with lame jokes, ugly cars and surgically enhanced blonds using power tools for no apparent reason. My assumption as to what Top Gear was about even further *proved* when I found out its repeats would be shown over and over again on Dave, the channel that's supposed to be for guys.
However, when I saw Richard Hammond on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross a few months back, I have to admit, I found something rather charming about him. Whether it was the way he used molding wax to strategically texturize his hair, or the mischievous glint in his eye - I knew there was something special about that fellow they call Hamster. I was surprised to learn he partook in that Top Gear show, but I thought if someone like him could love it, then maybe, just maybe, I could, too.
I slowly but surely started to catch up on old Top Gear episodes while working from home, and when Most Haunted dropped off Virgin's "On Demand" service as I suddenly had nothing *good* to watch on TV while I ate dinner. The episodes made me laugh but I was only half paying attention...that is until I watched the episode where Jeremy, James and My Wittle Hammy -uh, I mean - Richard turned cars into boats and tried to cross the English Channel. I laughed. I cried. And sadly, I can remember when it was that I fell in TV love with Richard. (At about 1:02 in to the clip. Yes. I know the exact time.)
[Video Unavailable]
From that moment on, Richard and I became pretty serious, and I began to see him practically every night. (Sometimes twice.) Yes, I realize he's married, but then again so am I, and Mindy Hammond and my husband are totally cool with this. They know it's strictly platonic and that really, if I were to ever meet Richard in real life, I would just want to pick him up and cuddle him like a new born kitten. I think most Hamster Fans will agree that it's not a lusty/perverted crush we have on him, it's just that he has big, doe-like brown eyes and is potentially small enough to carry around in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier.
This crush makes me feel a bit dirty, as I would never want to be accused of watching Top Gear just to get a bit of Hammond action. I don't just watch the show for him, but I have to admit I don't really watch it drool over the cars either. I just think it's a kick ass bit of television. Between the stupid challenges, Jeremy's annoying sexist-yet-funny jokes, and The Stig riding the Tube last week, it's quality television. It is.
I'm just going to guess that this crush will simply blow over like the crush I had on (a now gay) Neil Patrick Harris from Doogie Howser, MD when I was four. Or, it won't, and I'll be stuck in this horrible state of unrequited cuddling that is my crush on Richard Hammond for all time. Pray for me.
