The 2nd annual Wacky Race - RACE THREAD.

^^Who knew a normal Espace owner could do such a thing?
 
Until now, nobody knew Gordon Freeman secretly owned an Espace...




I must have forgotten to tell you: the guy with the crowbar had an orange suit, was wearing glasses and had complete facial hair.
 
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"Sir, your latest 'special modification' has finally charged and is now online."
"Ah, thank you, I've been waiting for that. Go ahead and activate it now."
"Certainly, sir. We won't be able to send communications while it's active."
"That's fine."

Stealth mode has been activated on the Rolls. (In other words I'm going to bed. See you at the finish!)
 
"So how're we doing then?"

"Not... brilliantly.", the tamed racing driver replied, a hand quickly jabbing the tape player (still containing the tape of Jeremy Clarkson one-liners) before clamping to the wheel again.

Sure enough, the uber-Espace was out in front, seeming to be Espace-ing its way along the road nicely.

"Use the Speakers then, Stig. I still need to wake up."

"POWERRRR!"

A sudden jolt of acceleration brought Origin upright in his seat. "Much better."
 
Having lingered in midfield all through the night thanks to the Dacia's now rubbish handling, We managed to keep out of the way of all the riff-raff. Our co-driver did get some allergy problems due to some falling dracat fur, but other than that the nightshift was fairly uneventful thanks to the radar shield.

"We seem to be stuck behind Origin."

"I'm tired of playing nice. See if you can block the road ahead by knocking down a few elms."

"No can do sir."

"Why not?"

"Team DSRacing sir."

"Ah. I see."

"In that case, fire the banana peels."

"Right away sir."
 
After being stopped at the side of the road for an hour, the Brick Shothouse truck GPS signal is moving again, and is taking a straight path through the city without slowing down. How can this be possible?-

Onboard footage received from the car shows that they are just driving over fields, there don't appear to be any roads or buildings! A herd of Zebra can be seen to the left side of the truck. This has allowed the team to catch up with the pack, and there is nothing the other racers can do about it.

With a flash the valanx is back on the road, appearing just in front of the rolls, but sideways on the road. Gromit quickly steers to avoid the edge of the cliff road near Nylon and pulls alongside Von Smythe, giving it a belt with the huge tyres, which rip of running boards of the car and cause a draught.
 
"It seems the traffic's back up again."

"It looks like its going to be a while. Do buy something nice from the internet will you? Here's my credit card."

=============MICROSOFT WACKY GADGETS HOME EDITION FOR XP AND VISTA=============

You have chosen to download GUN TURRET. The download will take approx. 15 minutes.

1%...

3%...

4%...

7%...

INTERNAL SERVER ERROR-CODE: 0ex0001000a2

DOWNLOAD ABORTED


"Great, we're going to have to resort to piracy."
 
Settling into the final shift. We've drafted endurance racing expert driver Jan Lammers to help us during this final stint and we're cruising at massive speed towards the line, still in first place.
 
Team FM has just finished installing the new suspension, left rear wheel, resurrected its driver (thanks a bunch darkshark ): < ) and Windows 7. Now, because FD has a jet lag, he fell asleep through half the race, so he just woke up facing the last f@#$ing place. It's time to use the mystrious black box! FD murmurs "Geronimo" and presses the on button on the black box. An orange portal shoots onto one of the team's Eurofighter, and drops minutes after exactly behind the Espace F1. Then, a blue portal shoots in front of the Mazda, which is sucked into it. The red MPS falls to the ground at Nylon, and starts off at 6th place. Racing is back to normal service in FM team. <:
 
Welcome to the Installation Wizard!

Before you begin, you must agree to the Terms and Conditions below:

This is a licensed product by VonSmythe Industries. By choosing to install this product, your car, co-driver and soul may be subject to ownership by VonSmythe Industries. VonSmythe Industries. reserves the right to destroy, impale, disqualify, liquify, transport, and sell your vehicle to the Illuminati. Under no circumstances should you object to these rights should you choose to install this product.

(etc.)



"Right..."
 
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As it turns out, neither driver, co-driver, nor the guy typing these messages could stay up overnight. As such, Jessie and Clay are sleeping in the truck, second from last. Last is held by Team Kuiper just behind them, who, for some reason, stayed behind a truck that wasn't even moving...

(bird perched on mirror chirps)

Jessie: "ern, huh?" (waits a bit to try and fully wake up)

...

(it sinks in) "Oh, fuck..."

*Jessie starts the truck, which rouses Clay, and obscures Kuiper in diesel smoke*

Clay: "Ughhh... where are we"

Jessie: "Second from last, and well behind"

Clay: (long pause) "Drive. Just drive like a madman... woman... whatever"

(The truck rumbles away, sucking the bird into a turbo intake. Nothing happens to the truck. PeTA, being somewhat fatally mauled by a lion, doesn't protest. Nobody complains.)
 
The figure in the driving seat of the uber-Espace had changed once again and the vehicle began to gather pace in the final stint of the race.

"Right, Stig. Give me the wheel.", Origin ordered, grabbing the steering wheel infront of him.

"...only then can you reeeeeeally give it the beans..."

"Oh, I plan to."

A combination of flooring the accelerator and pushing the Speaker's fire button in so far that it risked sharing the fate of a bad Soviet gearshift - after turning the volume of said speakers up to 11 - caused the nose of the "Mini" to lift up slightly under the massive burst of acceleration.

"POWERRRRRR!!!", a voice rang out as the car began to quickly advance towards the uber-Espace. Though, this time, it wasn't the pre-recorded version of Jeremy Clarkson.

"You insufferable oaf..", came the reply from the other seat.
 
"Oh good, the traffic's moving again."

"I'll continue with the installation while you get going."

"0-60 in 2 seconds, here we come."

EDIT:

"Good news!"

"What?"

"The drill is ready."

At that point, an out-modded Dacia sank into the ashes, pushing the tarmac outwards, pushing it's way underground. Having taken a more direct route, Team KUIPER just hauled itself back into contention.
 
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Lupin: *shaking the mysterious orb* How the heck do you work this thing?
orb: ??? ????. ??? ????.
Fernandez: I don't know, but you've been fiddling with it for 4 hours. It's really annoying.
orb: ??? ????.
Fernandez: SHUT UP OR SPEAK ENGLISH!
orb: ??? ???. English Language enabled.
 
Jessie: "I can see the pack! We're still in the race!"

Clay: "The guns are charging..."

Jessie: "Speedbump!"

Clay: "What?!"

*bang!*

Clay: "GAAHHHAAAOOOOWWWWW!"

Jessie: "Sorry, can't slow down now."

Clay: (Pained) "Is that a Pacer we're pushing?"
 
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90 minutes left. Mechanics have performed a one-second rebuild which has refreshed the car, and since we've only got a Grand Prix time distance left, the man from the Isle of Man is back behind the wheel and pushing harder than ever. It's as if he's back at Silverstone in '87 on his second set of tires. We're playing a CD in the car with crowd noises recorded from back then, because it will put several minutes in our pocket at the current pace.
 
"Sir, I've turned off the stealth system a bit early so that we can divert the excess power to the reserve superchargers."
"I like your thinking, Wellington. Where are we now?"
"Right up besides Brick Shothouse, sir."
"You mean the team with the driving dog!?!"
"Why, yes, of course sir."
"'Christ... Step on it, Wellington. I would like to be first, you know."
 
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"Captain, there's an iceberg ahead!"

"What?"

I looked up, and I saw that we are no longer in Nylon. There are no buildings, no foliage, just water. We somehow ended up in the Arctic Ocean.

"How did that happen?"

"That's where the GPS told us to go,"

"Into the sea?"

"Yep, but don't worry. I brought a propeller from Microsoft. It's XP compatible."

"But we don't even run Windo- Hey, what's that?"

I could feel the weight of our chassis submerging deeper... into the void. With my last gasp of faint, unfoccused breath, I saw the water flickering, trancelike, on the sunless surface and the silhouette of what looks alot like an Espace. Then I woke up.

"That was a weird dream. Where are we now?"

"In the Arctic Ocean, about to crash into an iceberg."

"Oh shi-"
 
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*transmitting to all teams (High Definition where available)*
Lupin: Gentlemen, behold! Warp ball, take this car to the lead.
orb: Yes sir.
*A spatial anomaly forms around the Pacer, taking it from next-to-last to a mile ahead of second.*
Fernandez: We should have waited until after the last pit stop.
Lupin: Relax, we can always warp again, right, orbbie?
orb: Affirmative.
 
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