"Thank you for calling the BBC complaints hotline.
If you want to complain about anything brought up in tonight's
The One Show, press 1.
If you have any issues about tonight's episode of
Eastenders, press 2.
If you have any complaints about
Top Gear or anything Jeremy Clarkson said, please press 3.
If you want to complain about any aspect of our news coverage, press 4.
If you have any complaints about any of our other programmes, please press 5.
*beep*
You have pressed...3,
Top Gear or anything Jeremy Clarkson said.
Press 1 to lodge your complaint.
Press 2 to delete your complaint to escape any embaressment.
Press 3 if you have lodged your complaint to hear a recording of Jeremy Clarkson laughing mirthlessly at you.
Press 4 to terminate this call altogether to save what ever dignity you have left.
*beep*
You have pressed...4.
Good choice.
Thank you, and have a nice day...and get a hobby."
Something like that I'd reckon