The Joke Thread

An old man lost his eye in WWII. Every night he takes his prosthetic eye out and puts it in a glass of water next to his bed, then takes a few sleeping pills to help with the nightmares.
So one night a burglar breaks in. As you know looting is serious business and he soon gets thirsty so he grabs the nearest glass of water and downs it in a gulp.
A few days pass and the burglar is seriously constipated, so he goes to see a doctor. The doctor puts on the glove and tells the burglar to bend over. Suddenly the doc screams.
Burglar: "What's wrong doc?"
Doctor: "I've spent 30 years staring at assholes, but this is the first time an asshole stares back."
 
2 plates are on a table, one turns to the other and says:
"Lunch is on me"

:drums:







I'll get my coat...
 
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."
 
A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing
the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn?t DREAM of giving her the finger!
 
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Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.

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Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

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Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

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Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.

image004.jpg


Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

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Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

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Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

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Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small Tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is That a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in."
 
Male or Female?
You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.





PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed... but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.





TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated





HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass.





SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.





WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.





TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.





EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.




HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.





THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
 
100-Year-Old Twins
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
 
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
 
not sure I've seen this one yet....
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One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say electrician anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she said and walked out in a huff.

A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.

"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she said again and walked out.

A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.

"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

A couple of days later he went on a business trip.

When he came back he asked how things had been.

"Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."

"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.

"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a sex," she told him.

"What did you do?" he asked.

She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Gordon Ramsey written anywhere on my forehead?"

-------

Edit: Just remembered another....

One friend says to another. "Hey! Are those alligator skin shoes? They must have been expensive."

The other friend says. "I'm not wearing any shoes."
 
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Birth of a Candy Bar
One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit-O-Honey, so he took his old lady, Mrs. Hershey on the corner of 5th Avenue & Clark. He began to feel her Mounds and to him that was an Almond Joy, which made his Tootsie Roll!

Then, he let out some Snickers and slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit-Kat, which of course caused a Milky-Way! She screamed " O-Henry! ", and she squeezed his Peter Paul , & said, "your better than the 3 Muskateers! " She soon became a bit Chunky & 9 months later gave birth to Baby Ruth.
 
Old Fart Football

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says' Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'
 
Some good pub/bar jokes...

Some good pub/bar jokes...

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

f(x) walks into a bar and asks for some food & a pint. The barman refuses, saying "Sorry sir, we dont cater for functions!"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Man walks into a cocktail bar.
Man: "Barman - I'd like a Michael Collins"
Barman: "Surely you must mean a Tom Collins?"
Man: "Nope - I want a Michael Collins"
Barman: "What's that then?"
Man: "One shot and you hit the road"
 
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, ?I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow??

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.

?What was that for?? he asked.

She said ?I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said ?Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall?.
 
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