FG Wacky Race - Winter Edition - RACE THREAD

Katstein has now woken up after Sergei accidentally drove through a vuvuzela rehearsal, and has a message:

To veloceRACING: We're still behind you. What you've done is killed some rich guy with a Maybach. You COMMUNISTS

And I thought we were the agressors. We haven't agressed anyone yet. Not yet anyways.

COMMUNIST AGRESSORS:tease:
 
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*uses the return to user function on the missile*, things start to rewind.

No we didn't *whistles*
 
This missile messing around might give us the chance we need to get ahead of them, we just need to get in the slipstream. The lack of traction is getting worse though, we might have to stop and buy new tyres.
 
MESSAGE FROM RACE CONTROL: All racers are to be cautioned about an upcoming detour through the underground tunnels of the Romanian Parliament building and continuing underground up to Moscow.
 
An Intercom Message To the Other Teams From Katstein said:
Fools! By accepting our gift of fluffy kittens, you will now suffer DEADLY CAT ALLERGIES! MUHAHAHAHA
Click to expand...

Sergei: Uh, master. If I may interrupt: not everyone suffers from cat allergies, just you. Also, no-one took a fluffy kitten.
Katstein: Really? Well, they're missing out then.
Sergei: Also, we'll be driving underneath the Romanian Parliament building shortly.
Katstein: Excellent. Finally, a chance to cause some political instability.
Sergei: Why do you want to cause political instability, anyways, master? It's not like you have any particular motive.
Katstein: I just don't like politicians.
 
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Nakajima somehow catches up to the field. The race is back on for the Lotus.
 
Our plan has worked, we're ahead of veloceRACING and Katstein. Walem is smoking in the car though, and this causes me to miss the CB radio falling off the dashboard and breaking. We miss any announcements from race control, and again due to the tobacco-scented fog in the car I don't see the detour signs.

We go straight through the barriers with the ABS trying desperately to get the tyres to grip, and into an area of roadworks where they're digging up the road. As we slow down the car nudged a generator by the side of the road, sending it rolling down the hill and pulling the bloke used the drill on the end of it over.

The Walem: That was close, I need a drink.
Me: We really need some new tyres, and you're banned from smoking in here now.
The Walem: *Guzzle*
Me: That's it, get out. I'll have to find another co-driver on the way. That sign said something about tunnels so I'm sure I can find someone better than you.

I bundle the Walem out of the car and turn around to head for the underground tunnel, now a good distance behind the pack. I still need to find some studded tyres too...
 
Team APRacing finally makes it to the grid after having trouble driving up a slight hill covered in snow, with Allan in the seat and some extreme snow tires on the car launches off the line in pursuit of the competitors.
 
Topgearfanatic said:
Team APRacing finally makes it to the grid after having trouble driving up a slight hill covered in snow, with Allan in the seat and some extreme snow tires on the car launches off the line in pursuit of the competitors.
Click to expand...

You forgot to pick up a fluffy kitten.

Meanwhile, Katstein sees a hitchhiker on the road.

Katstein: Pick up that hitchhiker, Sergei.
Sergei: But master, we're in a race.
Katstein: It's Christmas, Sergei. Or should I call you SCROOGE from now on, eh? It's the time of giving and brotherly love, Scrooge.
Sergei: But master, aren't you supposed to be a violent, evil psychopath?
Katstein: Can't a violent, evil psychopath be a philantropist as well, Scrooge? Now pick up that hitchhiker. Besides I think I recognise that guy...

Hey! Walem!

(the Walem approaches the stationary car)

Walem: Hey, Kat!
Katstein: Don't call me that, Walem. You know I don't like it.
Walem: Alright, sorry.
Katstein: So you're still alive! Sorry about the bar incident.
Walem: Don't sweat it.
Katstein: So what brings you here, Waley?
Walem: I was in the race, but my co-driver threw me out.
Katstein: That's harsh, man. But hey, we could help. How would you like to be our third driver? Scrooge here is a meerkat, he could fit in the boot.
Sergei: But master-
Katstein: Don't interrupt, Scrooge. So you're up for it?
Walem: Yup.
Katstein: Awesome.
 
Having finally made it to the back of the pack with some adventurous driving, Kimi gets on the guns and opens fire on the cars.
 
The tunnel seems to go on forever, it's so difficult to concentrate with the tight turns. Out of the gloom I see a light glowing in the distance and as I get closer I can make it out to be an ATS Euromaster sign floating in mid air. I slow down and as I pass a junction in the tunnel I look down the small branch tunnel and see a workshop with all it's lights on

Could it really be? I drive carefully down, I'll really need these tyres once I exit the tunnel.
 
Katstein: it appears we're trapped.
Walem: Told you mate.
Sergei: Well, I did tell you master that it's not a good idea to blow up the Romanian Parliament building whilst we're underneath it.
Katstein: Quiet, Scrooge. I stuck you in the boot so you won't talk.
Sergei: Actually master, you gave me this intercom precisely so I can communicate.
Katstein: Stop talking Scrooge.
Sergei:...
Katstein: I wonder who else we trapped...
 
I walked into the workshop and it was empty. No cars or people in there. It was as if the had never been used, no, as if it had just been built. I went back out and drove the Mustang inside and onto a set of ramps, then went to see if anyone was in the deserted place.

On the other side of the door was a completely different scene. A small set of stairs led down to a metal wall and a small door. Being impatient and wanting to get some tyres fitted so I could leave, I opened the door. Big mistake.

I immediately noticed that the door didn't have a handle on the inside and knew that wasn't a good thing. A blue gas rushed out of the metal room and up the stairs, clearing the air in the room until I could see a familiar figure walking towards me. The curly moustache, the evil grin, it could only be him. But surely he's dead? I stood fixed as the figure came towards me, not knowing what would happen. Then he went through me, right through and up the stairs without a word. As I walked up the stairs I noticed that there wasn't much light coming through the door, even that looked different with rotten edges. On the other side was the tunnel, with a wooden frame and roof above me. It was obvious at that point what had happened, however unbelievable it was.

The Ghost of Dick Dastardly had called for me, and he wanted to make sure I came. As I walked towards the car I noticed the studded tyres and assumed that was his doing, because he was 'sitting' in the passenger seat. Suddenly the tunnel started to shake and collapse, big boulders hitting the wooden roof and crashing to the ground. Quickly I ran and got in the car...

But it was too late, before I could drive away we were trapped by the falling building. Now we have no apparent way out and with no radio we can't call for help. I wonder if one of the other teams caused this.
 
Me: Was that my old pair of pants? Nevermind, it's time for a weapon-system check. Is the bouncy working?

Lucifer: Hang on.

*BANGKRASCHSLAM*

Me: That hurt...

Lucifer: Whimp...

Me: how about the nerd seeking missile?

Lucifer: Firing in 3, 2 ,1 LAUNCH!!

Me: Oh look, it's targeting VeloceRacing. This should be interesting!
 
*This is what I get for sleeping in...*

Me: Uggh... whajushappen?

Clay: *mutters something in Sak'khari*

Me: What did we drink last night? What time is it? *Looks at the clock in our motorhome. "3:00PM" Suddenly, I am fully awake*

Me: Oh shit! Move, move movemovemovemove! We missed the start of the race!

Jessie: What? Can I sleep for a few more-

Me: No! You need to get dressed and get in the car! NOW!

James: So, may I ask, what time is it?

Me: 3:02PM! The race started at 9:00AM!

*Suddenly, all three are sprinting for their changing rooms.*

Me: Is the car ready?

Mechanic: Yes Sir, we'll start it up immediately.

Me: Good! And did anybody scan our drinks for anything?

Scientist: I detected that someone slipped a strong tranquilizer into your drinks last night.

Me: Dammit, find out who did that!

*In record time, all three are dressed. They pile into the Transit just as the mechanics finish preparing it.*

Me: Do whatever it takes to catch up! Now go!

*With the throaty roar of a turbocharged V6, the Transit accelerates out of its transporter, all four wheels spinning.*

We are (finally) in the race...
 
We managed to escape the trapped building through the only way Katstein knows how: more explosives.

Meerkat Manor Motorsport and Shothouse Racing are now head to head as they pass the border into Soviet Russia.
 
ATTENTION ALL COMPETITORS

Message from Race Control: after proceeding to exit the tunnel in Moscow, the following waypoint is located on the northern shore of Lake Baikal.
 
Sweet! It looks like my race goat has somehow caught up with the rest of the pack! I guess while everyone else was engaged in shenanigans, they failed to notice the beige turd catching up on them. Look guys, I'm disappointed that the car is still running. You're not trying to kill it hard enough. The brakes are smoking and the transmission is slightly crappier than when I had it last, but I'm gonna need more damage than simple wear and tear. Think...missiles.

Anyway, time for my stint. Time to reactivate the impenetrable bouncyshield to protect me and give the goat a Shiner for a job well done. I'm bound and determined to kill this sucker. It's eaten quite a lot of its oil again...eeeeexcellent. Perhaps it will eat the rest and catch itself on FIRE! Um, how did this thing pass tech again?

{ gets in car }

Ooh, it's the tunnel!

{ opens windows }

{ hears exhaust leak }

Bleeeurgh.

This car must die. I suppose it's time for some good ol'-fashioned Kimi baitin'. I'll just leave this case of vodka strapped to the trunk. Yeehaw!
 
Somewhere in the middle of the pack, the newly-christened S.S. Louie DePalma manages to break free of the rubble.

Lewis: "Alan..who tried to blow up the Romanian Parliament?"

Alan: "No clue Captain. I don't see the point, political instability doesn't have to be literal. Especially in the Eastern Bloc. In any case, the CB just squaked, once we're above ground in Moscow it's off to the Lake Baikal. That'll be nice, I know a guy there, we can get some better missles for the front launchers."

Lewis: "Speaking of missles, there's something in our way up there. Care to take care of it?"

Alan: "Roger that, Captain"

From behind the grille, a pair of missles fire out of the taxi, locked onto a smoky beige vehicle ahead....
 
Somewhere nowhere near the pack...

Clay: This is pointless. Now are we supposed to catch up to cars that have a six hour head start on us?

James: I am still wondering how we were talked into this...

Jessie: Have you found any teleportation skills yet? I still have yet to find one.

Clay: No luck yet.

James: Negative.

Clay: Ugh, our first race, and we are going to finish dead last. Maybe we should just pull out now and... Oh, wait... Yes, I found it!

Jessie: What page?

Clay: 891... Seems like it will be able to teleport the car as well...

James: And you are waiting, why?

Clay: Alright, here goes. And here we hope it does not tear us apart at a molecular level.

James: Wait, repeat that...

*The car is enveloped in a black fog and disappears*

Clay: Aha! There they are...

Jessie: Take us to them!

Clay: James, Jessie, prepare to start firing...

*The black fog reappears in the middle of the pack. When it dissipates, the Transit is left behind, guns blazing.*

Clay: Boom! We're back, dummies!

Jessie: Really, Clay?
 
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