Shawn
Lexus? Oh shi-
- Joined
- May 26, 2005
- Messages
- 13,987
- Car(s)
- MkVI GTI w/DSG
Spoilered for really emo crap:
When I said I had to go through papers that I wanted to shred...then set on fire......then set that fire on fire with more fire, I wasn't kidding.Packing to leave my apartment's been really sad. I got a paper shredder yesterday and started going through all the old papers and things I didn't want to move. Most of them seemed to be from a time when I was really depressed--I guess that's when I neglected to use things like, ohhhh...trash cans for old papers I didn't need anymore. Holy crap, I feel like the past six years or so has been nothing but doctor's visits and utter crap now. There were a LOT of doctor's notes that I went through. Eek. There were lots of bank statements that showed how I'd tried to buy things to make me feel better, even though that didn't work. Then there was a lot of classwork that I'd done a crappy job on but knew I could've done SO much better on if I'd have felt good enough to try. Every now and then, I'd find a card or a note from someone who'd thought of me and those--even though they're the high points--almost made me feel worse. How stupid was I not to realize that people cared about me and would've probably helped me out a bit more if I'd have just asked? I think I probably failed a lot of things because I didn't want to tell anyone what I was really dealing with--that was associated with emokids and the mentally...off. When I'd start feeling down again, I'd feel bad even telling people who knew I had issues with depression what was going on. I'm supposed to have gotten over it and moved on. I had the hardest time caring about a lot of things and I guess the problem wasn't that I didn't care, but that I had trouble expressing that I really did care. I know I did that with people, too. I just kind of...withdrew from everyone. I found a lot of things from my grandpa, who I miss quite a lot--I don't know if I ever really was there like I should have been in his last few years.
I still just kind of feel like I've failed a bit. It took me forever just to get out of college when most of my friends have moved on by now. I know that's a skewed view because not everyone even goes to college, but I do feel like I've turned out to be quite a disappointment anyway.
Oh well. At least that's over with.
Time to clean myself up and keep packing. The sooner I'm out of here, the sooner I can move on to something else.
For what it's worth, which probably ain't much, I feel your pain.
Hopefully you have or will have better luck than I... for a few months now I've been trying to be open and accept the support of my loved ones, but so far it's not done me too much good or if it has it's not palpable to me. Oh well, I guess something that went on for years can't be undone in a few short months.