For those not of the great southern land, the following is an Australian technical term:
Fucking hell!
That was painful. Like Tim Lovejoy-era Fifth Gear painful, which is possibly the biggest insult someone can give something.
The ironic thing is that it is only a few minor things that are preventing TGA from being a reasonable car show. The visuals are good, save the much-discussed lameness of the test track filming, but the hosts need a LOT of work. In no particular order:
1) Please remove the plate of blow and other drugs/booze from the dressing room. Cox appeared drunk at times and slurred his lines in a way that Australians may well do from time to time, but not on TV. Pizzati was so freakin' annoying - high pitched and talked far too fast, like a 10 year old after a glass of red cordial - I found myself pausing Quicktime after every sentence he spoke to curse and recompose myself. Dude - chill the fuck out! Warren however did a pretty good job.
2) Everything's too over the top. Yes it is all jolly well exciting being the first ep and all, and yes it is very funny when Hammond and Clarkson get wound up, but until these guys find their groove and sort out their on screen personalities and chemistry, it's far better to play it cool and safe and err on the side of rational. Otherwise it will come off smelling like overblown yankie hype and it will quickly become as respected and popular as Toohey's Gold.
Likewise, ease up on the linguistic gymnastics in the script. Part of TGUK's charm is that while it is scripted, the guys deliver it - most of the time - in way that seems unforced and natural.
3) Substance! Even though Clarkson dumbs down some technical terms in tests (ie. "it has 700 torques... which is... this much!" et. al.) he at least he actually gets across some relevant information in between all the sliding, smoking and childish hoohar.
These guys completely failed in either of the softroader or Porsche tests to get much in the way of any relevant consumer info. Basically we learnt that the Toyota Rav4 has a V6, 200kW and costs $50K, the Suburu (er, was it an Overlander or Forester?) had a 4 cylinder engine (presumably a boxer but for all we know could be an air-cooled radial) and costs $35K, the same as the Nissan Xtrail but that has a CVT transmission. And yes, constant variable is an oxymoron... but I believe the acronym is continuously variable, Steve. Save for some details regarding their 4WD systems, the segment was completely devoid of what equipment the cars come with, which might have explained why the Rav4 was so much more expensive, or how each car's suspension was dealing with the sandy terrain. There were numerous 'blank' spots in the visual where a quick voiceover could have come with with some tidbits, but no, just uncomfortable silence.
The Porsche test was even worse. Credit for explaining how the transmission works with a drawing in the dirt (and using the term layshaft), but again: no idea how much power it makes, no idea what the CO2 emissions are that make it so darn green-friendly, and the whole lot set to driving at 40kph.
4) Articulation! Not every Australian is a knuckle-dragging bogan, nor do we all sound like Steve Irwin. While I don't doubt SBS is aware that the show will be distributed around the world, ultimately it is advertiser supported and thus targeted to the local Aussie market. Again, calm down and lose all the clich?s. The show should have an Australian flavour, not drown in a gravy of tired euphemisms no Aussie wants to hear.
Oh, and not Porsch - Porsh-eh! Porsh-eh! Porsh-eh! Porsh-eh! TGUK didn't spend 7 years teaching the world how to pronounce it just to have a local version undo all that hard work. Worse still, I think Cox used both Porscheh and Porsch. Dodgy.
5) The special guest bit was pretty bad - thankfully Vince carried it practically on his own. Cool that he was into Saab 900s - respect. Cox is obviously a muppet because any fool knows back in the 80s Saab made some very fast and capable cars.
6) I won't go into the track visuals, enough's already been said the amateurish effort. With the race is the snow it felt like they had 5 cameras in the car but only two outside on the track. WTF? Did SBS blow their AV budget on little cameras and sucker mounts, and have no cash left for a few DigiBetas? Oops.
There were good spots though. Most of the visuals were perfectly good. And Warren's shark cage Moke bit was actually really good - worthy of TGUK, I reckon. I would have liked a bit of info on the Moke itself; it is after all a car everyone in Australia has seen yet few have any idea what the hell they are. But all was forgiven with the crack about Lucas electrics - which was the only time I laughed proper.
Concluding thoughts? Well, firstly to all those saying "hey, but remember TGUK S01", yeah, it wasn't as slick as Top Gear is now, but it still was very very good - and vastly, vastly better than this. Remember, unlike TG back then, TGA aren't reinventing the wheel. They have the template, they know what works and what doesn't. While no one is realistically expecting the new show to capture the chemistry of Clarkson, Hammond and May, nor SBS to match the BBC's budget, I seriously had higher expectations for TGA.
I know people are saying "evaluate it on its own terms" but - no offence - that's pretty much impossible. Top Gear is the gold standard upon which all other car shows are judged, least not one that shares its name and format!
It's not a lost cause yet, but TGA have a LOT of work ahead of them.