So that shop did a crappy job, on top of all that asshatery? Jeez...
Could it be the fuel? The BMW isn't used to E10 or the lower octane rating we seem to have here in the States. According to Adrian, our petrol is the equivalent of Bud Lite pisswater.
Moral of the story...
If you find yourself stranded somewhere... With the car off,
--Grab a 3" piece of jumper wire and jumper the fuel pump fuse(s) to a nearby 30A fuse.
--You should hear the EBox fan spin up (The ETM will explain this phenomenon), but you should also hear fuel passing through the fuel pressure regulator
--A partner should also be able to hear the pump if he/she places their head on the right rear seat.
--Repeat for the second pump, then don't forget to put your jumper wire back in the glove box where it belongs. (It is also used to reset the oil service light, silly)
--If you don't hear it running, pop up the rear seat and move it out of the way (Wait, you actually have your rear seat screwed in!) Pull the fuel pump cover off and press on the connector while you turn the key to start.
If it starts, get it home and order the parts!
3x 61 130 007 441 Terminals
1x 61 131 378 410 Connector
It's very rare for both fuel pumps to fail at the same time - apparently the only common thing shared with the fuel systems (which after checking does go to individual banks) is a ground connector. Which was bad. Pressed it back in and it fired right back up