Chuck Norris FACTS! Hilarious!

patrick10

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matt_shaw

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Re: Chuck Norris FACTS! Hilarious!

These are my favorite ones
Koenig said:
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.

Chuck Norris isn?t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
 

mmap

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^^ Oh man he managed to make it a friggin commercial and not even in a subtle way...
 

BlaRo

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Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
Hey, I'm game. Where's Amazon.com? ;)

Must have written them by staring at the blank pages until they filled up with the information he needed.
 

wahaha

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Jesus F C i nearly turned a lung inside out

Chuck Norris said:
1. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
 

Bizness

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He responded to the interweb comments today...lol


IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
 

STi Nut

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1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
5. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
6. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
7. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
8. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
9. Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
10. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
11. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
12. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
13. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
14. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
15. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
18. Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow
19. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero
21. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
22. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
23. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
24. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
25. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
26. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order
27. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
28. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
29. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
30. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
31. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
32. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
33. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
34. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
35. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
36. Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
 

BlaRo

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^ I wish! It's from somewhere deep in the Interweb.
 
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