1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
5. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
6. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
7. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
8. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
9. Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
10. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
11. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
12. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
13. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
14. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
15. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
18. Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow
19. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero
21. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
22. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
23. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
24. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
25. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
26. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order
27. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
28. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
29. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
30. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
31. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
32. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
33. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
34. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
35. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
36. Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.