FG Wacky Race - Winter Edition - RACE THREAD

Katstein: Lake Baikal, you lived there, didn't you?
Walem: Yeah, guess I could say hi to the old gang.
Katstein: Well, it's hard to see with all this smoke, but it looks like we're stuck in traffic. What am I going to do about this?
Sergei: Master, I have a suggestion.
Katstein: Quiet, Scrooge.
Sergei: Pardon me if you will, master, but you do have a tendency to destroy things.
Katstein: What? you're suggesting I blow the traffic up? That's stupid. You're stupid.
Sergei: My apologies, master.
(a minute passes)
Katstein: Hang on! I've got a brilliant idea!
Walem (whilst gurgling): yes?
Katstein: Let's blow the traffic up!
Walem: You're a genius.
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An hour later, and we've finally managed to get out of the rubble by activating the 'buriedunderground-omatic" (patented by the legenary Wallace and first used on the Knight Industry Two Thousand more than 20 years ago). We've found a road that goes somwhere, and we can see some smoke over the trees so we must be in the right place. Traction has been vastly improved with the tyre change, and Dick is settling in, although he does tend to fall through the seat.
We blast through the rubble with our hood mounted RPGs and head towards Lake Lake Baikal with a switching of drivers.
Clay: Why is there a large ball in the race?

Jessie: If you are expecting an answer, you are going to be disappointed.

Clay: Just shoot the damn thing, would you?

*BuuuuwaaaaAAAAHHHHHH(The sound of miniguns spinning up)RATATATATATATATATATAT!

The VW combiball rolls into a ditch.*

James: *Smiles to himself as he lines a target up* You will not be bothering us for much longer, you bastard...

Lucifer: It appears that somebody is shooting at us and we have been forced to stop.

Me: ?/()?&%&%/& MURDER!!!!!!!!!!

Lucifer: Shall i fire the tactical air-to-DSRacing missile?

Me: *drool*

Lucifer: I take that as a yes. 3-2-1-LAUNCH!!

Me: I'll take out the burgers for a nice bbq! :D
With kimi at the wheel, and help from a rail gun, we are finally in the lead and streak away as we activate the supercharger.
We join the main road behind a beige thing that appears to have two unexploded missiles sticking out of it. As we pull up close behind it, I decide it's time to use Dick's undead properties to go and set off the missiles. He climbs through the dashboard and onto the bonnet, ready to jump on to the other car and set off the missiles.
The Lotus lives up to it's pedigree and breaks down spectacularly while in in sight of the leading pack. Only a minor fault, the team grabs the opportunity to do a driver change and a quick tune up. Ington gets ready to get in, only for local driver Vitaly Petrov to appear out of nowhere and mistake the 1Ukania-Lotus for a Lotus-Renault. The Russian leaps into the drivers seat and speeds off hoping to win the race for a completely different team.
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Whoo-hoo! That appears to be damage on the rear end! The vodka's intact, but the trunk definitely can't hold as many dead bodies now. All right!

Duct taping the bumper back on gave me a brilliant idea: some Spec Pi?ata-style "rubbin's racin'" shenanigans would surely rip this thing to shreds.

As I round a sharp corner at the end of Lake Baikal, the back end gets too loose again and I spin out. Again. I knew I should've taken out that spare! That was a pretty sweet spin, too--enough to disable it!

I wasn't expecting to nudge any other racers while stopped when a Russian driving a LotusRenaultUkania123456thing comes out of nowhere, bashing in my front end. Bits of carbon fiber flew everywhere. Luckily, this also means I'm stuck to the Ukania and he's dragging me along at speeds this car could never make on its own!

We passed the beige block earlier after Dick got back in the car, but now it has passed us again stuck to a Lotus. We've swapped drivers so I can have a kip in the back during the night shift.
Finally, after much work we are back on the road!

Me: i didn't expect such a traffic jam.. maybe we will spot some of the other racers.

Lucifer: isn't that coco up there? Her car looks somewhere beat up.

Me: activate the bouncy!
After our flight from Texas to the start in Europe was delayed 2 hours, then 4, and then eventually canceled(due to a supposed terrorist threat, someone tried to blow up the Romanian Parliament); we had to take a different plane to London, take a ferry across the channel, and then drive 250 miles to the start. So finally at 12:43 am GMT, 8 hours too late, Scuderia Elantra finally crossed the line in our modified Hyundai. With the Stig at the wheel; the 3 turbos at full blast, we're hoping to reach the rest of the teams as they become fully enveloped in needless shenanigans.Meanwhile, I just sit back and turn on the seat heaters(standard on the Elantra GLS), and put on some tunes from the ipod connection(equally standard) and just relax and look at the Wintry European Landscape.

James: One Excelero disabled...

Clay: Excellent work, Ja... OH FUCK! MISSILE!

*The satanic weapon bears down on the Transit.*

Clay: Alright, hold on, I have an idea...

*The missile approaches*

Clay: Hold on... hold on...

*The missile is a few seconds from impact*


*Clay slams on the brakes. The missile, which was compensating for the Transits forward movement, cannot react in time, and explodes in front of the Transit, the fireball narrowly missing the car as it swerves to avoid the damage. The shockwave sends Team Group Lotus Renault Lada 1Ukania spinning off the road.*

Clay: Well, that was exciting.

Jessie: You are not driving anymore. I am having you take over co-driver duties...
Me: Was that my old pair of pants? Nevermind, it's time for a weapon-system check. Is the bouncy working?

Lucifer: Hang on.


Me: That hurt...

Lucifer: Whimp...

Me: how about the nerd seeking missile?

Lucifer: Firing in 3, 2 ,1 LAUNCH!!

Me: Oh look, it's targeting VeloceRacing. This should be interesting!

Me: Lara! Lean out of the car and take your top off!

Lara: What?!

Me: It'll deflect the missile, I promise not to look for longer than five seconds

*Lara leans out and the missile passes straight by us*

*Engage: Boost! The turbines spool up and the car blitzes past all the others breaking the sound barrier*

Me: Oh shit

The boost worked a little too well and the car is launching off the cliff into Lake Baikal

*Engage: Submarine Mode*

SPLASH! We dive straight down into the water and cut north to the shore.

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*Insert Tardis Noise*

Scotty at the Wheel: Since when was this a TARDIS?

Richmondgal on the radio: Bumped into the Doctor a couple of days ago.


Richmondgal: DSRacing shouldn't be that far ahead. If you press the red button, you will release the turbo boost.

Scotty presses button.


Clay: What the fuck was that...

Jessie: Some yellow thing...

The AI Core is telling me that we are approaching the Meerkat Manor car.

Clay: Didn't James shoot that car?

James: It must have repaired itself. How it got in front of us, I cannot say...

Clay: Alright, I want to try something...

*Clay undoes his harness, and holds open the door*

Clay: Get closer!

*When the Exelero is within a car length away, Clay climbs onto the hood, then leaps. As he sails through the air, his body is surrounded by pitch black fog, transforming into a shapeless mass as it lands on the car. It reforms into the shape of a Fela'hari, and turns around to reveal pure white eyes, and a manic smile.*

Jessie: That skill is not in the books. Where did he learn that?

*Clay gives them the thumbs up, then loses his shape to squeeze through the door jamb, reforming inside the car.*

Katstein: You!

Clay: Hello. *Wraps himself around Katstein, taking control of his body.*

Katstein: You bastard, get off of me!

*Clay aims the car at the nearest tree...*

Me: Oh hey look, a Maybach wrapped around a tree..leaking fuel..

Lara: Quaint *takes out her dual pistols and fires out the window into the pool of oil setting it alight*

Me: Did anything interesting happen during the night?

Lucifer: Our attacks were not successful, i believe we need to time them better.

Me: That's OK, it was just tests anyway. Do you want me to drive? It seems we have some catching up to do.

Lucifer: I do not sleep. You could sacrifice a prius though, I have a thought of a change in the race course that should give us a huge advantage.

Me: ?

Lucifer: We're going downstairs, if you know what I'm talking about...

Me: Awesome!

Lucifer: I just gotta perform a ritual that sends all contestants to the abyss...

Me: Get crackin'!
Bad news: the bouncy seems to have dislodged me from the Lotus.

Good news: I seem to have bounced ahead a great deal...AND that's done substantial damage to the underside of the car! All right!

Consequently, my race goat is now dragging my car. Please be nice to him. I don't think he knows he's going to be tacos the second I have to choose between paying off Baylor and...eating.
Dick seems to have avoided most of the trouble during his stint at the wheel so I won't call the ghostbusters just yet. It's time to go on the offensive to ensure Shothouse Racing can claim another victory.

As we close in to the pack, assisted by the learjet engine salvaged from the old Plymouth Roadrunner, Dick hits the switch, launching three electrically charged spikes into our opponents.

Designed to disrupt the electrical systems of the car, the spikes have barbs the stop them from bring pulled out by hand.
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