FinalGear Wacky Race #4 - RACE THREAD

Cryptopygia

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Jessie: I heard that. *Primes the Infinite Improbability Drive*
 

ninjacoco

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Well, crap. We've lost still-slightly-ouzo-soaked Awkward Freshman Guy #5. He appears to be running naked on the track around turn 17. Well, mostly naked. I believe he's using Karoug's pants as a cape and thinks he can fly.

Anyway, he's been into APRacing's fridge. God help us all.


The WPOS is still running. w00t. Coming into pit for more jet fuel, ammo and bait.
 

LP

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In the wonderful world of candyland, happiness, hugs, and rainbows abound.

Pink unicorns run through the field of gummy worms, and valentine heart candies.

Gummy bears help out in the Teddy Graham Humane Society.

All is well and dandy.

Then one of the unicorns turns feral, and with it's eyes glowing red it says "Lurker"

Suddenly candyland is terrorized by a massive demon, who smashes all of the candy cane gingerbread houses, and eviscerates the candy people.

It screams out "Lurker".

LURKER

LURKER WAKE UP GOD DAMNIT

LP: Huh what?

Bill: You missed the start of the race again!

LP: God freaking damnit!

And so, without taking a shower, LP sprays himself with axe and various other products, washes his face and heads to the pit.

Bill: GO GET IN THE CAR GO NOW!

LP: AIGHT AIGHT.

LP hops in the car, and RACES OFF. He passes every single person in a whirring and whizzing blur.

Then Bill starts running right next to the car.

Bill: Um, LP... that's a kid's plastic steering wheel.

LP: VROOM... huh.........oh...

Bill: Lemme bring the KoenigseggCCRXBBQ whatever.

So LP finally hops in the car, and gets fueled.

He starts the machine, and it purrs like a dream.

Then once they removed the kitten from the backseat, he REALLY started the engine, and it roared like a lion, and thundered like an elephant's trumpet.

The jets at the back fired up, and the car sets off in the race.

TEAM DOOMHAMMER IS STILL IN IT TO WIN IT!

Bill: LP has a lot of catching up to do.

And so, to make up time, LP burns as much fuel as he can, and turns off all defensive and offensive systems.

LP: LETS BEAT THIS MUTHAFUGGA and SHOW these muthafuggas what a REAL CAR is!
 

ninjacoco

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Scuderia Ankbajs is out of the pits, with DOOMHAMMER in sight.

Hmmmm. No defensive systems, eh?

Lavender Stig flips the "GIANT ROOF CANNON" switch. Hey, that's no ordinary cannon...

FOOOOOOOM!!!

Everything around the CCRXBBQ puffs up as a giant rip in space opens up. The puffed-up piece implodes, sucking LurkerPatrol's car, some dead moose debris and mostly nekkid Awkward Freshman Guy #5 into Ballard.

This Ballard. Complete with aging Scandinavians who drive really slow with their blinkers left on.

Mwahahaaa.

Moral of the story: never let anyone know when your defenses are down.
 

LP

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Fuck.... I'm no longer in the race.

LurkerPatrol navigates through some 6-dimensional asteroids, and miniscule planetary rings.

Thank god Bill gave me these red boots.

*clicks heel once*
There's no place like home

*clicks heel twice*
There's no place like home

LP Thinks: "aight one more and I'm back in"

*clicks heel a 3rd time*
THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

A sudden bright light encompasses the BBQKoenigseggCCXRSheepLaunchingXL55 TURBO.

LP: YES YES

*farts*

LP: GOD DAMNIT.

But then in the distance, LP sees a light diminishing in size.

LP: Shit that must be the way out!

He floors the thrusters and heads straight for what looks like a receding anus hole.

With a pop sound he reappears back at the race, MILES ahead of Coco's car.

HAHA! :tease:

BBQKoenigseggCCXRSheepLaunchingXL55 TURBO: "Shields up, weapons online."
 

Topgearfanatic

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Right, late to start, shit! Kimi was busy beating some idjiot up and our mechanic was busy cocking up the car. But we're off now!!! And at quite a lick!
"Is because of rockets."
"I know kimi. Did you get your booze back?"
"Yes and set fire to Scuderia Ankbajs pits."
"Good"
 

Cryptopygia

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Clay: Goddammit, this thing wasn't built for snow.

*It is now a full-blown blizzard. Within 30 minutes, several inches of snow is on the ground. The Cat struggles for grip, and snap oversteers on a cliffside turn*

Clay: WOAH FUCK! *Manages to hold it.* Aw god, this is impossible... wait... *Idea light bulb* What if I did this?

*Adjust the front spoiler so that it acts like a plow. The wheels find grip again. Also, there is a shower of sparks to obscure the vision of anyone following close behind*

Clay: That works. :3

Jessie: Did something break again?
 

LP

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The thrusters on the BBQKoenigseggCCXRSheepLaunchingXL55 TURBO shut down as the engine in the CCXR fires up all 8...hundred of it's microscopic cylinders.

Put it into auto, keep the shields up, reduce speed slightly.

We'll get Coco and TG fanatic if they pass us!
 

ninjacoco

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Looks like we'll have to send Q and a couple Awkward Freshmen into town for more supplies...and booze.

Lavender Stig fires up the jet engines but comes to a halt right behind LurkerPatrol's car.

via team radio: "fire when ready."


An innocent-looking duck call fires well ahead of LurkerPatrol's car.

QUAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKK!

As it sounds, a million ducks start to congregate in front of LP's car

Lavender Stig flips the switch labelled "Duck Vision" and speeds through the mess.
 
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ninjacoco

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Good news! Q's back with replacement pit supplies...and kerosene--er, um, some Everclear.

No, wait...that's kerosene, too. Just in case.
 

Topgearfanatic

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We do have some big burly men hired to protect our pits, you awkward freshmen are trumped!
 

Matt2000

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Unfortunately Dastardly's trick failed because Kimi didn't answer the phone, but we're keeping up with the pack. We got bored earlier and finally came up with a name for our orange and black monster, the Tin Tiger.

Suddenly the track is swamped with ducks, and we have to swerve onto the grass to miss them.

Matt: "How are we going to get rid of these ducks?"
DD: "Let me handle it."

Dick climbs in to the back and puts his head through a hatch in the roof. He starts up the laser and aims it at the mountains in the distance and fires.

Almost instantly the white snow caps disappear and waves of water come rushing down the mountains and on to the track, sweeping the ducks away and taking the cars with them. The Tin Tiger is swept over the track and through a hedge, leaving a branch sticking out of the radiator.
 

Cryptopygia

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Clay: Ah, finally, there's a tunnel on the race route.

*The Cat enters the darkness. Clay flips on the lights.*

Clay: Jessie, it appears LurkerPatrol, ninjacoco, and Topgearfanatic are ahead of us. Would you care to fix that?

Jessie: *amid the high-pitched (and climbing) whine of hir warp cannons charging* Certainly. *Scans the racers ahead, and the surrounding scenery* Perfect.

Clay: *grabbing a Hostess fruit pie from a storage cubby* I think you'll give them quite a show. *Unwraps fruit pie* OM NOM NOM NOM
 

ninjacoco

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...we still have bigger guns.

Lavender Stig comes in for a pit to switch to EPIC WHEEEEE tires, then slaps on the "impenetrable bouncyshield" switch.
 
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Cryptopygia

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Compared to a size-shifting cyborg dracoserval (with no upper limit to hir growth)?

Eh, whatever.

Jessie: FIRE!!!

*Bewm*

*Bounces off bouncyshield*

Clay & Jess: OH SHI-
 

ninjacoco

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I have no idea what's going on in Lavender Stig's head right now, but I'm pretty sure it's something like, "WHEEEEEEE PUDDLES!!!"

(Because puddles are :wub:.)
 

Karoug

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Captains log:

So after Lucifer's failed attempted at teleporting his kidnappers down to hell, i had to pedal all the way back to Blaskyrkh to collect his sorry ass.

"What happened"

"They fired up the Infinite Improbability Drive, so i accidentally unearthed a civil war soldier instead"

"Oh, those bastards"

"But i did manage to reprogram their steering servo, so all their steering inputs will he inverted"

"I guess it's always something... I also prepared a surprise for LP, his wheels will turn in to jelly in about 3, 2, 1, now"
 
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