FinalGear Wacky Race #4 - Sign-up Thread

Kimi has somehow fitted the car with a mini fridge when we weren't looking, no doubt it's full of booze... Now we can't get it out, he is a very clever guy!
 
Note to self: Attack APRacing and steal mini fridge... That extra booze might come in handy...
 
Corporate memo: Increased security involving armed para-military guards is normal. Nothing to be alarmed about.

Note to Clay & Jessie: You may get an early early test of the DSDR14*.

*The previously unnamed assault rifle mentioned before.
 
You should know it is impossible to operate that cannon while sober.

Also, we have reports about a rivaling team getting lost within out borders, one of our minions wanted a hug from the driver but he disappeared.
Twas a shame really, our minions usually gives great hugs..

Good to know, I'll have plenty of ammo for the cannon on-hand. The lost driver was probably our delivery driver, he gets lost without his satnav. And with it. Just shoot at him and he'll drive in a straight line towards the nearest impenetrable* shack.




*By impenetrable, I mean blown up by two stray 9mm rounds.
 
After some drunken rambling careful deliberation, Fluffy has announced that our team name is...

Scuderia Ankbajs.

This can't end well.


Also: I found the Stigs-R-Us order form in the Ankbajs hide-out. Some say the white one has some experience driving a Mercedes...and that's why we had to order a different one off the internet. #%&!. All we know is...

WE HAVE LAVENDER STIG!

What the crap?! orderastig.com must be running out of colors. And why is he eating my shoe?


Oh, and three words: "black hole generator." Read it and wet yourselves...or we could be bluffing...but put your bets on "wet yourselves."
 
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Pfft, we have control over time and space, your black holes mean nothing to us!
 
Oh, and three words: "black hole generator." Read it and wet yourselves...or we could be bluffing...but put your bets on "wet yourselves."

Pah! We have control over time and space too!
I use the term "control" very loosely.

Again, we have some untried and untested alien beer on offer. They say it's apple flavoured. :blink:

Also, that grouchy woman and team principal by the name of "Petunia" (to whom any of you who have been reading my posts will recognise her as being most likely on her period at the time I introduced her) has mysteriously disappeared.
 
5 hours left.


Race Control wishes to announce that the green flag will be waved by two mysterious people, one of them formerly suspiciously large and another sporting somewhat floppy hair, being followed by a weird honking alarm wherever he goes.
 
Right. Time to sabotage our competitors warm the Cat up before the race. And enjoy a last meal.
 
Having a last meal? Want to try something a bit exotic? Why not try something literally OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD! FREE untried-and-untested alien meals at our restaurant: like the Rajahfiajfakj salad, sauteed fafknafkad, Qiht lasagna, and more!

Please buy something. Anything. We have loads of alien stuff we don't need and it's starting to stink up the warehouse.
 
Because we're based at an undisclosed location in Texas, news here travels a bit...late. As in,
"the race already started, you twits" late. Oops.

The Baylor Failariat said:
An unlikely team from Texas is entering this year's FinalGear Wacky Race. Scuderia Ankbajs premieres its Mercedes-Benz C-Class-based WPOS at today's race, which will be televised locally starting at 9:00 a.m., right after "Andy Anderson's Drunken Ramblings."

The Mercedes is on loan from a Azusa Pacific grad student who merely requested that it be refilled with gas and given a new scented tree upon its return. The original engine and interior have been completely stripped out of the car, and it has been fitted with new wheels and tires made especially to withstand extremely high speeds.

The WPOS is now powered by a W16 pried from the sunken remains of a Bugatti Veyron and located in the middle of the car instead of under the hood. Next to the W16 are two jet engines sourced from a now-dormant NASA program. "We're unsure of how fast the rocket engines will go," commented Team Hostage Spokeswoman Ninja Coco. "But we're confident that they're quick."

Because of this, the driver now sits in the middle, in between the two jet engines where he is surrounded by a sea of switches and assorted exotic weaponry. He is forced to enter in through the sunroof, which, along with all the other glass surfaces in the car, has been fitted with bulletproof glass.

Driving the car this year is Lavender Stig, a last minute purchase the team made off orderastig.com. "It was between him and resurrecting Ayrton Senna as a zombie," said Coco. "The only catch with Zombie Senna was that he constantly demanded brains, and our team just doesn't have any of those."

Team Principal Fluffy Bunny, Eater of Souls, is excited about the team's chances this year. She declined to comment herself, as she is a stuffed rabbit whose mouth is sewn permanently into an evil smirk.

Also helping the team are several Baylor engineering students who wanted the opportunity to be around a girl, Q and the possibly out-of-work Campos pit crew. Team Hostage Coco herself is a sixth-year Baylor student, double-majoring in Film and Digital Media, Political Science, and Failure.

When asked about the rumors of Ankbajs' development of a black hole generator, Coco said, "That's crazy talk! You guys have been playing too much Mass Effect 2." The team's engineers, however, declined to comment.

There is no doubt that the car is loaded with exotic weaponry, which is practically a requirement for survival in the brutal Wacky Races. Along with a hood now stuffed to the brim with various guns, the car has several noticeable cannons sticking out of the side of the car as well. A trapdoor in the roof allows additional weapons to come out when they're needed but stay tucked safely away when they're not.

"We're from Texas," explained Coco, "so naturally, guns were a huge part of our design." Other design influences the team cited were Chuck Norris, the Pat Neff bell tower, an angry duck and an empty bottle of Macallan.

Other useful innovations will help keep the car moving during the race. "We were especially concerned that the engine would want to return to the sea, so we made the car amphibious," explained Coco. "This was a huge concern for us since Stigs can't swim, so we hired a top scientist from Her Majesty's Secret Service to make it happen."

"It's always been a dream of mine to work with Q," said Awkward Freshman Guy #2. "I can't believe this project has let me not only work with a character from a James Bond movie, but also talk to a girl...albeit kind of an ugly one, but OMG BOOBS nonetheless."

The car has also been fitted with a retractable wing in the back, which can be positioned to provide needed downforce to keep the car on the road or to shield the car from attack. Its back bumper has been filled with various types of bait to attract other animals onto the racetrack and into the paths of other cars.

"I really think this car has a chance at winning, provided the freshman support staff doesn't drink themselves silly in a country with no minimum drinking age," said Awkward Freshman Guy #8. "Awkward Freshman Guy #5 tried ouzo for the first time ever last night, and we're a little worried about him."

The team declined to comment on the car's top speed and as to what, specifically, is now under the hood.
 
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