Funny Jokes

unknownspeedster

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after some deliberation i decided to set up a thread devoted to jokes, so post up any funny ones you might have :cool:

to get the ball rolling:

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-caf?. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a hard disk and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"
 

Adunaphel

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YF19pilot

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A lawyer is getting out of his car when someone sideswipes him, removing the door from his car, and then speeding off. When a police officer arrives on the scene, the lawyer is ranting and raving about his door, and how he will sue the vandal to the fullest extent of the law.

The cop sighs and says, "I really hate you lawyer types. You're so materialistic and wound up about it, that you can't even notice that you're arm is missing!"

The Lawyer promptly looks down at his missing arm. "My watch!"
 

burnsy

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There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
 

Adunaphel

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burnsy

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
 

mautzel

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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-caf?. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a hard disk and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"

Liked that one!

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineer rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.
?Where did you get such a cool bike?? asked the first.
The second engineer replied: ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: Take what you want.?
The first engineer nodded approvingly: ?Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?
 

Magnet

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Two biscuits are having a chat. One says to the other "Hey, where do you live?" and the other replies "I'm not telling you, you'll come and steal my washing".

2 muffins are sitting in the oven.
The first muffin goes to the second muffin, "Geez it's hot in here"
The second muffin says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Why did the little girl fall off her bike??
Someone threw a fridge at her!!

What's the difference between an orange?

Q. Why is a duck?
A. Because bicycles don't have windows

Why did Fred fall of his bike?
Fred's a goldfish.

Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread.

Q: What smells funny?
A: Clown Shit.

Q: What's white, sits in a tree and looks like a fridge?
A: A White Fridge.

Q: What do you call a Bear with no ear?
A: A "B".

What is the difference between a baker and a pilot?
A baker bakes bread and a pilot flies a plane.

Why was the washing machine laughing so hard?
Because it was taking the piss out of the undies!

Q. What has two legs and bleeds?
A. Half a dog.

Q. Whats big, yellow and can't swim?
A. A Excavator.

Two cows in a paddock. One says "Moooooooooo!!!!" and the other replies "D'oh, I was gonna say that."

Q. What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?
A. "Get down from there".

Q. What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the car?
A. "Robin, Get in the car".

Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. One of its legs is both the same.

A boy walks into a butcher shop and asks for a loaf of bread. The butcher says "Sorry son, we don't sell bread here" and the boy responds "That's ok, I've got my bike outside".

why did the boy fall off the swing? he had no arms!

Why couldnt the ant fit down the ant hole? he was driving a tractor!

q: how many irishman does it take to change a lightbulb
a: one

Q:"What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?"
A:"A chocolate chip muffin."

Q. "What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?"
A. "Cancer."

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"The police. I'm afraid there's been a serious road traffic accident; your partner is in intensive care."

Q: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
A: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, I?ll replace this with a fresh bowl of soup and I?ll have a word with the manager to see if we can deduct a sum from your bills for the inconvenience we have caused you.

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and the Kyoto Protocol?
A: One is a domestic fowl; the other is an international convention on climate change.

Q: What's the difference between an apple?
A: The more you polish, it gets.

Why is a mouse when it spins?
The higher it spins, the faster.

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?
A: The Holocaust.
 
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Adunaphel

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A small 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetary yesterday. So far, 75 bodies have been discovered by officials at the scene of the crash. Officials fear the worst for any possible survivors, and fear the death-count may still rise as investigations continue.
 

klutch

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Good ones, Magnet!

Some more conventional ones:

Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this
huge, burly American guy walks in.

As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The Little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire."



Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved"




At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
(Matzo: A very thin brittle biscuit of unleavened bread)

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 

BlaRo

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An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineer rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.
?Where did you get such a cool bike?? asked the first.
The second engineer replied: ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: Take what you want.?
The first engineer nodded approvingly: ?Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?
Gives me an excuse to use this...
n15613693_31122382_6173.jpg


btw, loving the spoiler tag.
 

Micra

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A blonde is driving her car, when next to the road, in a corn field, she sees another blonde sitting in a rowboat, rowing like mad. Angrily she stops and yells: "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid! Why, if I could swim, I'd come over there and kick your ass!"
 

YF19pilot

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Michelangelo dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the pearly gates, he's accompanied by a politician. They both stop as the gates open, trumpets blair and a large procession of angels, saints, and other holy spirits come singing joys to God. They crowd around the two of them, pick up the politician, and march back through the pearly gates.

Confused and a bit flustered, Michelangelo catches Saint Peter's attention just as the gates were about to close. "What is this meaning of this? I spend my life dedicating my skills to God, and I served him as I was taught to. I have lived a pious live, and you are about to close the gates on me, yet you give that politician, a liar and cheater, a grand parade as his welcome to heaven?"

Saint Peter pauses and then says to him, "My son, you have lived your life as you should, and God is pleased. However, that was the first politician we've had in a long time."
 

Blind_Io

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There once was a truck driver who had a peculiar habit, he liked to use his truck to run down lawyers. One day he was driving along and saw a man on the side of the road signaling for help, seeing this man was no lawyer he pulled his truck to a halt. The door opened and the face of a priest looked up at him from the ground.
"I'm afraid my car has finally given out." said the priest, "I was on my way to my new parish, could you give me a lift into the next town where I might find a garage?"
"Certainly, jump in!"
And off they rolled. As they pulled up to the next town the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking down the side of the road, without thinking he swerved over to run him down, but at the last second he remembered he had a passenger! "What am I doing?" he thought, "I have a priest in the car!" At the last second the driver jerked the truck back on the road but still heard the familiar THUD of a lawyer bouncing off the body work. He screeched the truck to a stop and turned, sobbing, to the priest.
"I'm sorry, Father, I don't know what came over me"
"There, there, my son, not to worry....
I got him with the door."
 

Blind_Io

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Two blondes are out shopping when they return, loaded with purchases, to their Mercedes.
"Oh, no!" sobs the first blonde, "I locked the keys in the car!"
"I know what we can do! I saw this on TV! We can use one of the coat hangars from our packages and feed it down inside the door and unlock it that way!"
"That will never work!"
"Ok, what if we got it down inside the car and lifted up the little button."
"That only works on TV!" said the blonde, sobbing.
"Well, then you think of something, because it's starting to rain....
... and I left the top down!"
 

YF19pilot

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Liked that one!

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineer rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.
?Where did you get such a cool bike?? asked the first.
The second engineer replied: ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: Take what you want.?
The first engineer nodded approvingly: ?Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?

I was going to use that originally, but here's another engineer joke:

A man was walking a long and he happened upon a frog. The frog spoke to him saying "Kiss me, and I will turn into a princess."

The man picked up the frog, smiled, and put her in his pocket.

"Seriously, kiss me, and I will become a princess! I'll even go out with you!"

The man stopped, looked at the frog, smiled, and continued on.

"Please kiss me, if you do, I'll marry you and be yours forever!"

Again, he looked at her, smiled, and carried on.

Finally, frustrated out of her wits she asked, "I've told you that I will turn into a beautiful princess and marry you if only you kiss me, and yet you do not! Why?"

The man stops, takes the frog out of his pocket, and says to her...
"Look, I'm an engineer, and I really don't have the time for a relationship. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"
 

Top Geek

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:lol: LOL, klutch, Canadian Tire! :lol:

Anyway...

Where's the most frequent red light in Toronto?
Behind the Maple Leafs' net

What did the termite say to his friend at the pub?
Is the bar tender here?

A programmer, an engineer, and a physicist were coming down a steep hill. The brakes suddenly failed and they had a harrowing ride to the bottom, but they made it safely. After the vehicle rolled to a stop, they got out and began to argue about what they should do. The engineer wanted to immediately rebuild the brakes and get underway again.

"No," said the physicist, "I would like to first analyze the mechanisms and understand the cause of the problem." He then asked the programmer's opinion.

The programmer suggested, "Let's roll it up the hill and see if it happens again!"
 

Shawn

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Why do people never starve in the desert? Because of the sandwich is there.

Get it? Har...
 

KaJuN

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A kid gets his first paycheck from his newspaper delivery job. He decides to celebrate by buying himself an ice cream cone. He walks into the ice cream shop and asks the clerk,
"Sir, may I please have a chocolate ice cream cone?"
The clerk disappointingly replies, "Sorry kid we're all out of chocolate, come back next week."

So the kid does just that, "Sir, may I please have a chocolate ice cream cone?"
"Sorry kid, we still haven't got any chocolate ice cream. Try again later."

Undeterred, the kid tries again the following week. "Sir may I please have a chocolate ice cream cone?"
The clerk, now annoyed at the child's persistence, asks him, "Kid, can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?
"Sure, v..a..n."
"Good, now can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"Uh huh, s..t..r..a..w."
"Great, now can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"
The kid stands there perplexed. "There's no fuck in chocolate."
The clerk triumphantly boasts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you for two weeks kiddo."
 
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