Haynes Manual Translations

vRS

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Saw this on another forum; gave me a few good laughs :lol:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As pictured in figure...
Translation: Do you see that grey bit next to the other grey bit in the picture? Excellent, but your car will look completely different.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
 

argatoga

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Those have been posted here before.
 

ninjacoco

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I think that accurately sums up my dad's approach to fixing the car. :lol:
 

Spectre

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Haynes manuals are best used as jack or jackstand padding. :p
 

KaJuN

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Us Land Rover owners live by this, especially the ones involving a hammer.
This man speaks truth.

Also they got me on the "fabricate your own tool" bit with my motorcycle. They went into rocket scientist detail with every part of the tool except what size socket to use on the end. :censored: After a few hours of feeling around down the front forks with a flimsy assembly of ratchet extensions I realized that the battle, and about $70 to the dealer, were both lost.
 

otispunkmeyer

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bloody haynes... i dunno what planet they come from but if they can get hands easily into the back of the head light units on most modern cars then they must have fucking pipe cleaners for arms. any job haynes describes, is at least 10x more difficult than they make it sound.
 

Spectre

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Yep. Much better than wood from my experience.
Well, it's not like you would want to actually use them as reference materials or even workshop manuals.

Haynes' instructions range from the comically generic to the tragically incomplete to the laughably poorly written all the way to the well-written-but-just-plain-dangerous-or-wrong. In many cases, you are better off with no manual than with a Haynes.
 

AudiV6

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Haynes: Change broken Lightbulb
Translation: Get a Hammer, brake the glass, and change, nothing else works..
 

Quiky

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Same thing with changing the sparkplugs on the GTP-- they said to simply reach back and undo them...

What you really have to do:
-Unbolt motor mounts
-Put car in park, then push forward, apply parking brake now that the motor+transmission have rotated 15 degrees forward
-Strap car to wall
-Use a pickle fork to remove plug wires
-Use your jedi skills to force the plugs to rotate
-Reverse the above to install.
 

Spectre

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Same thing with changing the sparkplugs on the GTP-- they said to simply reach back and undo them...

What you really have to do:
-Unbolt motor mounts
-Put car in park, then push forward, apply parking brake now that the motor+transmission have rotated 15 degrees forward
-Strap car to wall
-Use a pickle fork to remove plug wires
-Use your jedi skills to force the plugs to rotate
-Reverse the above to install.
There was one revision of the Haynes Z31 manual where they basically instructed you to drain gasoline into the turbo down pipe.
 

Matt2000

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It's good to laugh at Haynes, but I did actually find my manual useful. As the lesser of the three manuals I own (workshop and restoration manuals come first) it's the one I look at when the other two come up with nothing. It was the only one of the three to show me which way around the propshafts should go. I'm very grateful.
 

BerserkerCatSplat

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My factory service manual is indispensable, but there's the odd case where the Haynes has a good picture or two of the situation.
 
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