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John Cleese's letter to America

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dutch_designer

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saw this on another forum, and didn't know whether to post it here or in the entertainment or off topic section. Better to be on the save side :) here goes:

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen
Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.


2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will
be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese
 
:lol:

Brilliant!
 
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
I think this should probably be in off topic. It'd get more views.


Funny, none the less. (Though if they were to put roundabouts in Florida...I think half the population in central and southern Florida would kill themselves.)
 
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

hmm, i can settle with that rule

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

:puke:

good chips or french fries or frieten like we call them are supposed to be thin cut and cripsy ;)
and mayonaise, ketchup, or variants are deffinately the way to go, no way i'll ever eat them with vinigar :bangin:
 
YF19pilot said:
Funny, none the less. (Though if they were to put roundabouts in Florida...I think half the population in central and southern Florida would kill themselves.)

LOL...I live in Orlando. Just down the road from me, there is like a strip mall and a high school. There is also a roundabout. In roughly 2 or 3 years, I've only seen maybe 2 cars actually go around it.
 
I probably posted something like this when I first read the letter. Regardless, I will post it again.

With Tony Blair still in charge (among other things), the Brits are in no position to pass judgement on America.
 
CrazyCavia said:
Not only a repost but in the original post it was also shown to a hoax. Not written by John Cleese

Yeah, tbh it didn't sound like John Cleese's style Still, funny anyway... :)
 
Firecat said:
I probably posted something like this when I first read the letter. Regardless, I will post it again.

With Tony Blair still in charge (among other things), the Brits are in no position to pass judgement on America.
true indeed.
blairbushsnog.jpg
 
Firecat said:
YF19pilot said:
Funny, none the less. (Though if they were to put roundabouts in Florida...I think half the population in central and southern Florida would kill themselves.)

LOL...I live in Orlando. Just down the road from me, there is like a strip mall and a high school. There is also a roundabout. In roughly 2 or 3 years, I've only seen maybe 2 cars actually go around it.

Dude! I go to school at Embry Riddle! Drop me a line or something, I could use some help for the car magazine.

Technically, I'm from the Panhandle, but spending 8 months a year in Daytona...
 
transtek said:
Absolutely brilliant!
Just one point, I think this is more in the style of Our Lord, JC, Jeremy Clarkson and not, as pointed out on Not the Nine O'clock News, Our Lord John Cleese!

There's an idea... what would happen if you'd let those two work together on a project :thumbsup:
 
Vocabulary and Spelling section: That is REAL english. TAKE NOTE!! :D
 
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