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Official Joke Thread

bahnstormer

bahnstormer

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2004
Messages
1,493
Location
NJ, USA
The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a
Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the
machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare
hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking



keep it going!
 
looooool, good one :D will try to come up with something good, nothing on my mind right now
 
:lol: :lol: :lol:

----------------------

Ok, this joke isn't very funny but when I heard I thought it was worth a chuckle.

So a duck goes into a car and props itself up onto the stool. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" and the bartender replies, "No.". So the duck leaves and comes back the next day. He goes back up to the bartender and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" and the bartander replies, "No." So the duck leaves. AGAIN, the duck comes back and asks the same question, "Do you have any grapes?" and the bartender, now frustrated and annoyed by the duck, replies, "No, and if you ask that again I'll nail your bill to the bar." So the duck leaves and doesn't come back for several weeks. One day the duck returns to the bar and sits down on the stool, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartander replies, "No." so the duck replies, "In that case, do you have any grapes?"

HAHAHAHA--- no.
 
LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gallery Owner: I have some good news and some bad news.
Artist: What's the good news?
Gallery Owner: The good news is that a man came in here today asking if the price of your paintings would go up after you die. When I told him they would he bought every one of your paintings.
Artist: That's great! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: The bad news is that man was your doctor!
 
Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen
 
:lol:
This thread rocks, if we can keep it alive i'll tune in here every morning to start my day with a good laugh
 
35 things to do when driving:
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
 
Drive Through

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways, which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
 
lol, the drive thru stuff are funny :) if only we had drive throughs here :lol:
 
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

I SWEAR I'M GOING TO DO THIS !! :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
hehe
ok i'm gonna try and translate this one for you, I dunno if it'd still be funny.
A little background before the joke is that it's told here with the main character as a "southern country man" these ppl are very simple (almost primitive) and good hearted ppl who live in their farms in the country side, and they're always the subject of most jokes of the city ppl, they're like the blondes (or the president :wink: ) to american jokes.

So this country man goes to Italy and there he sees the mafia, he thinks they're cool and likes them so much that he wanted to start his own mafia, so he came back to Egypt and went to his country side to recruit people and start his mafia.
He went to an old friend of his and asked him, "what is 2+2?" the guy replied him: "8" he said "good, come with me" and he took him with him, he went to the next guy and said "what is 2+2?" the guy replied: "it's 6", he said "great, come with me"
Next guy, he asked him "what is 2+2?" the guy replied him "4", so he took out his gun and shot him dead instantly.
The 2 other guys horrified, they asked him "why did you kill him?"
He replied, "He knows too much"

I swear it was funny in arabic when I heard it :lol:
 
I thought this one was worth posting :D

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
 
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