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Official Joke Thread

Fly = flying through the air...fly with no wings has to walk.....

A fly with no wings is a walk...

get it? :D
 
yea... kinda... but didn't laugh as hard as the pikachiu one

why did John bring his pregnant wife to pizza hut





cuz they gave free deliveries
 
More of the "Bloodninja" cyber pranks:

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

-------

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't fuck with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

----------------

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Fuck am I hard now.
 
Well, I'm not really fan of written jokes, so I'll post a few of my favourite comics:

PBF010ADTurtleCare.jpg


PBF011ADHammerScrewed.jpg


PBF013BCBetterLuckNextTime.jpg


PBF024BCNewSpecsforKen.jpg


PBF030BCGopherTrouble.jpg


PBF038BCMonkeyPhotography.jpg


PBF039BCSpaceLove.jpg


This one may not be safe for work, so I'll link to it: http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF027BCAngelsCaught.jpg

All are from Perry Fellowship Bible - the greatest comic ever! :D
 
UKD - those IM jokes are the best. Funniest things I've read on the internet in ages! FANTASTIC! :)


***EDIT: POST 1000! W00t!
 
lmao, some of the silliest jokes i've heard in my life, and yet I'm laughing
 
Wow! I've just read them all start to finish - I've never laughed so hard in my life. FANTASTIC! :lol: :D :lol: :mrgreen:
 
A few chinese ploverbs

Man who fart in church sit in his own pew!
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.



A car related joke...

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe (Muffler for the American side of the pond).




There are four engineers traveling in a car when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "It sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again." "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system. "I think it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing up to this point, and say, "Well, what do *you* think?" "Um, how about if we all close all the windows and open them all again?"



An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different
limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.



Finally, a little English humour

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart from everyone else. You think your stiff upper lips mean you're above the crowd.
Look at me. I'm just me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

"Very sporting of your mother," the Englishman replied, dryly.
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped
his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned
over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and
tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped
his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"

:twisted:
 
First Question:


You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?



Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.


Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000 ?



The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?



NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary . Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?


He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.




guys please don't just post hehe or things like that...
its a joke thread, so everyone know's u're going hehe
:)
 
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
 
Accuracy Movement Spreading to Other Memorials
Jan 17, 2002

(NEW YORK) The New York City Fire Department commissioned a statue of the famous photo of three firemen hoisting an American flag at Ground Zero in the aftermath of September 11th. While the three men in the photo are white, the statue will instead portray one white, one African-American and one Hispanic-American raising the flag. Fire Department spokesperson Frank Gribbon explained that two of the white men would be eliminated in order to "more accurately reflect" all of the firemen who died at the World Trade Center.

This new interest in accuracy is catching on around the country, and similar revisions are underway for other famous memorial statuary. At the USMC War Memorial in Alexandria, Virginia, plans are already under way to alter the familiar statue - based on Joe Rosenthal's Pulitzer winning photograph of the flag-raising at Iwo Jima - to more accurately reflect those who participated in military action during World War II.

While the existing statue does already depict one Native-American, it is not immediately clear to the casual observer that he is, in fact, a Native American. Therefore work is underway to replace his standard issue GI helmet with a traditional Native-American feathered headdress. In addition, plans are in the works to alter the appearance of two of the remaining four Marine, so that they appear Asian-American. According to Marine Corps spokesperson Ray Haise, this will more accurately reflect the large number of Asian-Americans having relatives who participated in the battle for Iwo Jima.

Not to be outdone in this new push for cultural accuracy, the National Park Service is already contemplating changes to the Mount Rushmore National Memorial in Keystone, South Dakota. As with the other memorials, their goal is to alter the appearance of the monument so that it will more accurately reflect the cultural diversity of America. As explained by park spokesperson Lillian Perry-Cottocci, the memorial in its current state depicts four "straight white Protestant men" looking down upon the rest of the nation. "We want the memorial to be more inclusive, to reflect the cultural diversity of modern day America."

A three phased approach will be used gradually alter the famous memorial. Phase One of the renovation will involve changing the appearance of Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, so that they appear to be Hispanic-American and African-American, respectively. Phase Two will involve Thomas Jefferson, although his new ethnicity has not yet been decided. Possible options for Jefferson include Indo-American, Arab-American, Asian-American, or Inuit-Eskimo. Phase Three will focus on George Washington. While Washington will remain decidedly European-American, he will be depicted as a woman. This is something of a compromise, as the original plans called for Washington to transformed into a trans-gender bisexual Buddhist, however this proved to be simply too difficult for the sculpting team. "If only we had the technology..." remarked Perry-Cottocci.


-- Curtis WIggins
 
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in
bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's
Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I
hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
 
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