andyhui01
Forum Addict
bahnstormer said:
they should have taught this way in university :lol:
-
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Official Joke Thread
- Thread starter bahnstormer
- Start date
they should have taught this way in university :lol:
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Kansas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Unique Up On It
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Kansas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
So You've Had a Bad Day
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
Most Accident prone time of the year.
A little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics
*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a
lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their
tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from
new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
YEP! its great to be Australian!
A little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics
*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.
*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.
*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.
*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a
lit cigarette in their mouth.
*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with teeth or eye socket.
*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control scalextric cars.
*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their
tongue.
*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from
new shirts.
*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
and finally:
*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
YEP! its great to be Australian!
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
Trivia for Adults
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
andyhui01
Forum Addict
bahnstormer said:
This one is the best.. but the thing about rules for guys... I have a feeling its a repost
. The rest seems like a good read... will keep it for tmr morning 
Overheat
Forum Addict
When God created man. Man (adam) got lonely, and needed a companion.
God felt his loneliness and approached him and said;
'Adam, my son, what would you say to me giving you the perfect companion, I call it a woman.'
Adam was intrigued...
'Imagine having a companion who'd clean after you, cook for you and basically give her body and soul to you without ever expecting anything in return...'
Of course Adam was now excited...
'But... Adam, my son, I will only create this companion for you in exchange for an arm and a leg'
At which point Adam replied,
'Um... what can I get for a rib'
AND THUS THE REST IS HISTORY.
God felt his loneliness and approached him and said;
'Adam, my son, what would you say to me giving you the perfect companion, I call it a woman.'
Adam was intrigued...
'Imagine having a companion who'd clean after you, cook for you and basically give her body and soul to you without ever expecting anything in return...'
Of course Adam was now excited...
'But... Adam, my son, I will only create this companion for you in exchange for an arm and a leg'
At which point Adam replied,
'Um... what can I get for a rib'
AND THUS THE REST IS HISTORY.
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
Renesis
Lazier than Viper
andyhui01 said:
if I still had a class of marketing I would've printed it for my teacher :lol:
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard,
and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the
tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "by fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "not quite right Mary but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down
the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me Miss! Me Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers
"is it attached by skin Miss?" The teacher replies, "not quite
right either Peter.
Anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny.
She said to Johnny "what do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat...
I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the
tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "by fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "not quite right Mary but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down
the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me Miss! Me Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers
"is it attached by skin Miss?" The teacher replies, "not quite
right either Peter.
Anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny.
She said to Johnny "what do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat...
I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
"But we're not homophobic... we are compassionate towards anyone who
wants to try and give up that kind of lifestyle."
-- The Rev Dr. Glenn Davies, rector of St Luke's, Sydney, Australia.
(On the Australian Anglican Church's negative stance on homosexuality)
wants to try and give up that kind of lifestyle."
-- The Rev Dr. Glenn Davies, rector of St Luke's, Sydney, Australia.
(On the Australian Anglican Church's negative stance on homosexuality)
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
DEAR TIDE LAUNDRY DETERGENT:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my
Mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's
house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
She started to berate me about my drinking problem.
One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of
her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the
stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't
come out.
On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came
out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests
were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great
product.
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag
people.
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my
Mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's
house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
She started to berate me about my drinking problem.
One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of
her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the
stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't
come out.
On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came
out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests
were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great
product.
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag
people.
bahnstormer
Well-Known Member
A 12 year old girl discovered a new way to deal with flashers. According to
the Virginian-Pilot, when the man exposed himself she simply reached out,
grabbed is zipper, and yanked it up. Police are now looking for the man in
local area hospitals, as they think he suffered "significant injuries",
based on the blood loss.
T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back said, "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE B*TCH FELL OFF!"
41. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
the Virginian-Pilot, when the man exposed himself she simply reached out,
grabbed is zipper, and yanked it up. Police are now looking for the man in
local area hospitals, as they think he suffered "significant injuries",
based on the blood loss.
T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back said, "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE B*TCH FELL OFF!"
41. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
Daniel
Well-Known Member
This thread should be called "The Forwarded Emails Thread"
Shorter jokes anyone?
Shorter jokes anyone?
Renesis
Lazier than Viper
here's a short one.
How do you call someone intelligent in the USA?
a toursist
How do you call someone intelligent in the USA?
a toursist
Daniel
Well-Known Member
:lol: :lol:
Why is there a glass of water in the Sahara desert?
To avoid that this joke will get to dry.
Whats the difference between an infant and a concrete block?
You can only f*** one of 'em.
(Let me know if thats to harsh,and I'll edit it away) :lol:
Why is there a glass of water in the Sahara desert?
To avoid that this joke will get to dry.
Whats the difference between an infant and a concrete block?
You can only f*** one of 'em.
(Let me know if thats to harsh,and I'll edit it away) :lol:
Overheat
Forum Addict
:shock:
Daniel
Well-Known Member
Overheat said:
That bad?
