The Guardian article about the first episode of this series:
Last night's TV
Maybe it used to be funny (well, sort of) but these days Top Gear's whole schtick just seems horribly tired and out of touch
Sam Wollaston
Tuesday May 9, 2006
The Guardian
They have made a few changes at Top Gear (BBC2), says Jeremy Clarkson, to keep it fresh and exciting. There's a new member of the team for a start. She's a she, which is a plus. She looks a bit like Jeremy Clarkson, which isn't - at least not for her. She has the same hair, though fortunately without the big bald patch at the back of her head.
She's also a dog, a labradoodle, which is a hybrid so they thought about calling her Prius - except that it wouldn't be fair on her (a car joke: cue moronic laughter from Top Gear audience morons). Also, it would have meant she would have eaten more than they were expecting (slightly cleverer car joke: cue moronic laughter only from some sections of moronic Top Gear audience). In the end, says Clarkson, they settled for Top Gear Dog (much mirth from all Top Gear audience morons, turning to spontaneous applause).
Well, Jeremy, if it works for you, maybe it will work for me, too. I'm going to call you TV Twat. And in tonight's show TV Twat is going to drive a very fast car very fast round a track. Hmmm: I see what he means about those changes. That sounds very fresh and exciting. But first the Cheery Dwarf is going to drive a - wait for it, this really is funny - a gay car! It's a convertible Nissan Micra, in Penelope Pitstop pink. And Cheery Dwarf is so embarrassed he has to wear a paper bag over his head. This produces whoops and yelps of joy from Top Gear audience morons when we return to the studio. They're having a ball. Madam, could you just come to the front, to make it look as if there are lots of women here. And you - no, not you, you're too fat. Fit ones to the front, please; that's lovely, thank you.
Top Gear Dog, meanwhile, has gone to sleep.
Time for a metaphor from TV Twat; he does love a metaphor. Here goes then. "This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases.'" He's on a roll now: "Behind the wheel of a car like this, you feel like you're drowning in wallpaper paste." Really? And then he does that thing he always does: pauses mid-sentence, on a rising intonation, to signify the punchline; he's about to say something slightly surprising or shocking. "So we're going to see if we can liven it up a little bit ... by cutting its head off!" He's talking about the Renault Espace; this is the comedy-stunt part of the show. TV Twat, Cheery Dwarf and The Other One are going to make a convertible people carrier. I'm not sure why, but they seem to be having enormous fun doing it. Then they go to the zoo, and put it in the car wash and set fire to it.
There's a new reasonably priced car for the celebrities to race around in - again, fresh and exciting. Our boys pretend they don't know who James Hewitt is, which is actually quite funny. And then we get to see TV Twat do his look-at-me-in-a-very-fast-car bit. He puts his foot down and whoops and laughs: ha ha ha. Like he always does.
Back in the studio they sit around doing jokes about the environment and the French, the government and TV Twat's broken-down car, and the audience morons laugh, especially at the car jokes, because they're the funniest of all. Who the hell are these people? Does anyone know?
And all the while Top Gear Dog sleeps on, absolutely unimpressed and uninterested. I know how she feels.
A small confession: I quite like cars and driving (I was once motoring editor of this paper). And I used to quite like this show, was even quite amused by you-know-who. But as well as being tired, it just doesn't feel right for now. That combination of oafish laddishness and a screw-the- environment mentality has become not just boring, but out-of-date and, well, just plain wrong. As for the audience morons, they should obviously all be crammed into the convertible people carrier, doused in petrol and the whole lot set fire to. How fresh is Top Gear? About as fresh as ... (big pause) a fart.