The 11 Commandments of the Road

thedguy

thedguy

rides with Rebecca Black.. in the back
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This is text from a book Spectre got, he's too busy to post it so I'm taking the liberty.

The 11 Commandments
of the Road​

The California Driver's Handbook does an adequate job of educating motorists in
the art of driver's etiquette and traffic fundamentals. Though this is fine for members
of The Pack, we Short cut Sharks seek a much wiser sage for the knowledge demanded by our higher calling.

Do not be mistaken. The search for enlightenment is a lifelong endeavor. Nonetheless,
we've taken it upon ourselves to provide this starter kit of rules and principles
tailor-made for the novice Shortcut Shark.

1. IF IT'S WIDE ENOUGH, DRIVE IT!
Alleys, driveways, parking lots, gas stations. Be creative and do whatever it takes to get around a trouble spot.

2. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS.
Don 't be afraid to show your displeasure at that Metalhead's blatant disregard for your road space! Define the limits of your intolerance according to the relative weight and size of your opponent.

3. DON'T MESS WITH THE PRO'S.
Tow truck drivers, messengers, and bus drivers all have one thing in common they drive for a living in company-owned vehicles. You can use them to your advantage by trailing in their wake at a safe distance.

4. KEEP AN ALIBI HANDY.
Like an experienced pilot looking for a place to land in an emergency, always have a good reason for driving like a maniac. If nothing else, it w ll provide great entertainment for the arresting officer.

s. BUSY FEET ARE HAPPY FEET.
Pedals are designed to be pushed, pumped, and pounded . For those with automatic transmissions, we recommend the "two foot" technique.

6. EXERC-EYES!
Keep one eye firmly fixed on the road in fro nt of you, leaving the other eye for utility purposes. This "roving eye" can alternate between gauges, your rear-view mirror, and unruly pedestrians .

7. YOUR CAR IS A SOVEREIGN COUNTRY.
Maintain a swift-handed dictatorship over all passengers at all times. Accept no uprisings. Passengers are merely baggage and have no vote.

8. WIELD, DON'T YIELD.
Your tax dollars pay for the road you drive on. You own it; take possession at all times.

9. FORGET FREEWAYS.
Back East they call them parkways. In the West they 're known as freeways. We Shortcut Sharks call them "Plagueways." It's rumored that they're navigable during certain hours, although we're still trying to figure out when those hours are.

10. ALWAYS KEEP MOVING.
When the going gets tough, the tough make two lefts, a right, and a dash across a mini-mart parking lot. The object is to keep those ti res moving in the general direction you're headed.

11. RESIDENTS TAKE PRECEDENCE!
Respect the locals when traveling through residential areas. You are an intruder who threatens their peaceful streets. Use extra caution when approaching blind driveways, and keep an eye peeled for kids. Irate homeowners have been known to lie in wait for speeding commuters and ambush them with rotten leftovers.
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Maintain a swift-handed dictatorship over all passengers at all times. Accept no uprisings. Passengers are merely baggage and have no vote.
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Passengers better have belted themselves in before I manage to get myself belted in, the car started, and the car rolling. Otherwise, they may be thrown against the dash/door/other hard object within the car.

I actually had one passenger refuse to buckle his belt once. He was in the backseat. I threw him into the front seat backing out of the parking spot, turned, looked at him, and said, "Get your damn belt on." He obeyed.
 
Hehe, funny. What book is this from?
 
equiraptor said:
Passengers better have belted themselves in before I manage to get myself belted in, the car started, and the car rolling. Otherwise, they may be thrown against the dash/door/other hard object within the car.

I actually had one passenger refuse to buckle his belt once. He was in the backseat. I threw him into the front seat backing out of the parking spot, turned, looked at him, and said, "Get your damn belt on." He obeyed.
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In some ways, you are my hero. :)
 
equiraptor said:
Passengers better have belted themselves in before I manage to get myself belted in, the car started, and the car rolling. Otherwise, they may be thrown against the dash/door/other hard object within the car.

I actually had one passenger refuse to buckle his belt once. He was in the backseat. I threw him into the front seat backing out of the parking spot, turned, looked at him, and said, "Get your damn belt on." He obeyed.
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LOL nice. There is this one person who ends up in my car from time to time (unfortunately I don't have a choice in the matter) has a very bad habbit of taking off the belt before I stop. One time I got really annoyed and instead of slowing down and then coming to a stop did a brake stand from about 30 after he undid his seatbelt.
 
equiraptor said:
Passengers better have belted themselves in before I manage to get myself belted in, the car started, and the car rolling. Otherwise, they may be thrown against the dash/door/other hard object within the car.

I actually had one passenger refuse to buckle his belt once. He was in the backseat. I threw him into the front seat backing out of the parking spot, turned, looked at him, and said, "Get your damn belt on." He obeyed.
Click to expand...

I've had people try to not put belts on in my Jeep. I then remind them that it is not my problem if they fall out. They comply after that.
 
High Priestess of "Ooh, Shiny!" checking in. I am especially fond of #2. My horn...isn't.

- actually blew the horn fuse on the Failtima during a fit of angry
 
Crazyjeeper said:
I've had people try to not put belts on in my Jeep. I then remind them that it is not my problem if they fall out. They comply after that.
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Or, just turn to them and say "Sure, but the fine for no belt here is $75.00, just pay me now, and it's cool."
 
That American Girl said:
Or, just turn to them and say "Sure, but the fine for no belt here is $75.00, just pay me now, and it's cool."
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Here, if they're 16 or over, they pay the fine, not me (or something like that - adult passengers get their own tickets). Of course, I could certainly hope they don't know that... :)
 
ninjacoco said:
High Priestess of "Ooh, Shiny!" checking in. I am especially fond of #2. My horn...isn't.

- actually blew the horn fuse on the Failtima during a fit of angry
Click to expand...

I broke the horn button on the steering wheel I hit it so hard on my old Nissan. Luckily it failed in a fashion that just made the horn not as easy to set off.
 
That American Girl said:
Or, just turn to them and say "Sure, but the fine for no belt here is $75.00, just pay me now, and it's cool."
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Ooooh. I like this idea. I get money and get to plant someone's face in the dash. Win-win on my part!

I don't have trouble with passengers not wearing seat belts, though, as much as I do feet on the back of my seat. What part of black sorta fuzzy interior + dusty shoes sounds like a good idea?! Oh, and food. Wait 'til you get home to stuff it in and the cupholders are dinky, so hold your coke.
 
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