The Joke Thread


Active Member
Sep 30, 2006
Dublin, Ireland
'07 Ford Focus TDCI 3DR Van
Maybe not...anyways...

Here's a bad joke but funny none the less.....well imo

A guy & a giraffe walk into a bar. Both drink all night but the giraffe passes out & hits the floor. The guy goes to walk out when the barman says 'You can't leave that lying there!'. The guy turns around & says 'That's not a lion it's a giraffe'

Ba boom TISH!
Or a All caps forum? You'd like that wouldent you!
How about this...

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk runs through a stop sign. A stoner waits for it to turn green.

I'll be here all week.
Hay Lilleput,
Relax...Go sit in the office...Take it easy :)

If you have a joke then post it here.....I guess if it's OK with the Mods then it let's GO :)

However if the Mods don't approve I'll try & win them over with another bad joke....I'll may well be banned for this (and I wouldn't blame the Mods either if they did)

A horse walks into a bar....the barman says why the long face...

OK...ban me now...
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That's worse than mine Lilleput...jeez.

Glad to see you're up for a laugh. Do you think this will work?....and don't say 'NO' either :D

Is it the front end of a 50s Corvette?...She was run over by it....right?

Ah crap I hate this stuff :)

It must be it?

[moderator] Use the edit post feature in the future. No need to create a new post each time.[/moderator]

Update: (14-06-07) To the MODS: Sorry for not editing. My apologies. I'll try & not let it happen again :)
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A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Then it looks like Americans are pretty beer efficient. :p
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

That is AWESOME!! So if you drink light beer is that better for you?
Why did (insert your god here) give women orgasms
so they still have something to moan about even when they are having a good time.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
What your car says about you!

What your car says about you!

Acura NSX- I am impotent.
Alfa Romeo - I'm looking for Beta Juliet.
Aston Martin DB7 - I have sweaty feet, but still women like to suck my toes, I wonder why?
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Audi TT - I love golf, but I love my car (with no space) more.
Audi A4 - Airhead who wants to be a banker, but is already a merchant . . .
Audi A6 - I like/have to shave my hairy arse.
BMW 3 series - I'm a successful sole trader & I can't drive.
BMW 5 series - I have a successful limited company & I can't drive.
BMW 7 series - I get other people to do my work, I'm far too important, but I still can't drive.
BMW Z3 - I eat bananas with Marmite spread on them & passed 3 GCSE's.
BMW Z4 - I run a trendy wine bar & have drunk most of the profits.
BMW Z8 - See Nissan 350Z
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states of America.
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Chrysler PT Cruiser - I dig graves & carry coffins.
Citroen AX - I chew on Barley straw & enjoy stamp collecting.
Citroen C3 - I want to escape to the jungle where life is free.
Citroen C5 - I have dreamed of conquering Mount Everest, but then thought it best to get a real job.
Citroen Picasso - From Essex, also see Renault Scenic.
Citroen Saxo - see Ford Fiesta.
Daewoo Matiz - I eat pizza for lunch & smoke 50 a day.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Ferrari 360M - I need a counselling session with Jerry Springer.
Ferrari 575 Maranello - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Fiat Uno - I'm a student waster.
Fiat Brava - Daddy buys my cars, one day he'll buy me an MR2.
Fiat Bravo - I drive my low budget company car.
Fiat Espace - I live on a council estate; also see Renault scenic.
Fiat Multipla - I have no taste; also see Renault scenic.
Fiat Punto - I have product overload on my hair & consider Pizza Hut an Italian restaurant.
Ford Anglia - I buy all my clothes and consumables from my local pound shop.
Ford Cougar - I secretly steal street signs, I have them arranged in my back garden & at night it looks like aliens have landed.
Ford Escort - I'm a wannbe boy-racer, but in secret I buy pot plants for my mummy & take my Grandma shopping every week.
Ford Fiesta - Hairdresser, no sense of direction.
Ford Focus - I'm a boy-racer disguised as a sensible office worker at the weekends I'm a curry monster!!
Ford KA - I'm a student & can't afford a Fiesta.
Ford Maverick - I'm cute, gay & immature and I love peanut butter.
Ford Mondeo - I'm a family person posing as a business manager.
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Orion - I like to cut shapes into potatoes and give them to the homeless.
Ford Sierra - I still think LA Gear trainers are "cool" & prefer it when my mum ties my shoelaces.
Ford SportKA - I'm a geezer-bird/Silly little boy who doesn't know what real rally car looks like.
Ford StreetKA - Half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Ford Puma - I want a sports car, but won't pay the money for it.
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the autumn.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the autumn.
Honda Accord - I pick my nose & flick the boogers at small children.
Honda del Sol- See Ford StreetKA
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Honda CR-V - I'm a friend to the animals & I talk with my mouth full.
Honda Jazz - I'm a train-spotter who's been arrested several times for stalking the trains.
Honda NSX - I'm stuck in the 80's & never eat my greens.
Hyundai Coupe - I still have acne, but honest it's just the teenager in me trying to get out.
Isuzu Impulse- I don't give a rip about Max Power or their reports.
Isuzu Trooper - I fancy Dale Winton.
Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Jaguar XK8 - I'm immature and have more money than brain cells.
Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Kia Sportage - I consider Car Boot Sale purchases Antiques of the future.
Lada Favourite - I'm a member of the Taliban seeking asylum in Great Britain.
LandRover Discovery - I'm a rich mum, who can't drive.
Lexus LS400- I'm psychic, I knew they'd be as good as a Merc one day.
Lotus Elise - I dance like an ape & I love watching porn.
Lotas Elan - I go on 18-30's holiday's to see how the other half live!
Lotus M250 - Definite liar!!**
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
Mercedes SLK- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda MX5 - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler.
Mazda RX7 - I know how to treat myself.
Mini - I'm from Essex, no more needs to be said.
Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either.
Mitsubishi Colt - I smell of cheese & shop in Liddles, Aldi's, Pound stretcher etc.
Mitsubishi Carisma - I have all the charm of a lion in captivity.
Mitsubishi Evo 6 - I was an extra in Fast & the Furious (honest).
Mitsubishi Evo 8 - See Nissan 350 Z.
Mitsubishi Shogun - I'm insecure, eat steak for breakfast & I want a LandRover.
Nissan Micra - I work for M&S, Tesco's, Wallmart, etc.
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Primera - I design foe-fur naughty underwear for nuns.
Nissan Skyline - I love speed and I don't care who knows it, I also have a 3 page list of criminal convictions.
Nissan Sunny - I talk too much & can handle a vindaloo with ease.
Nissan Terrano - See Ford Maverick.
Nissan 350Z - I'm a liar! *
Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 106 - I have the most independent and exciting life, I'm also vain & live in a dream world.
Peugeot 205 - I hang on street corners at the weekends & keep a machete under my passenger seat.
Peugeot 206 - I wash my car every weekend & I'm on my 2nd marriage.
Peugeot 206cc - I'm two faced and will try and run all you wasters off the road.
Peugeot 305 - I deliver pizzas for a living.
Peugeot 307 - I'm an accountant, I've found a car that suites every purpose & no purpose at the same time.
Peugeot 405 - I have a job in the civil service & play poker at the weekends.
Peugeot 406 - My girlfriend has to wear Elizabeth Duke Jewellery so I can afford this car.
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on America's Ten Most Wanted List.
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Porsche 911 - I have a small penis, my car is my substitute.
Porsche Boxter - I still live with my mum & treat women like crap.
Proton Impian - I have a pet raccoon called Jimmy & prefer shift work.
Renault Clio - I love my Daddy.
Renault Laguna - I'm always drunk, drunk, drunk!
Renault Megane - I'm a lottery winner honest, ok so I only got 5 numbers.
Renault Scenic - I haven't heard of contraception.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.
Rover Metro - I spend all day watching Friends & ER, I also like egg mayo and Tuna sandwiches.
Rover 100 - I'm an OAP who always drives at least 20mph under the speed limit.
Rover 200 - I'm too bland for German cars & I never pay my rent on time.
Saab 9-5 - I definitely have more money than sense or taste.
Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
Seat Alhambra - I can't cook, have rotten teeth & live on a council estate in Bromley.
Seat Ibiza - I want to be model, but I have no chance unless I bed the photographer.
Seat Leon - My boss hates, that's why he gave me this as a company car.
Skoda Fabia - I can't afford a Volkswagen.
Skoda Octavia - I wear Bart Simpson ties to impress . . . nobody!
Smart Roadster - I collect Mars Bar wrappers, I have one dating back to 1948.
Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more than a life.
Subaru Impreza - I'm just a poser & I want to get shagged.
Suzuki Vitara JLX - I'm a Barbie girl, in my Barbie world.
Suzuki Gran Vitara - I laugh like a demented dog & wear my underwear inside out.
Toyota Avensis - I'm a cabbie & have robbed many liquor stores.
Toyota Camry- I wear my wife's knickers.
Toyota Corolla - I wear the same underwear all week long.
Toyota MR2 - I'm far too old to be driving this, but at least the women I pull aren't.
Toyota Rav4 - See Suzuki Vitara JLX.
Toyota Starlet - I like to be different & not in the good sense.
Toyota Supra - I can do no wrong.
Toyota Yaris - I'm a failed student; also see MGF.
TVR Chimera -I'm blind and consider Fosters Ice a hard-nut drink.
TVR Tuscan - I keep picking up mingers, once had a bird with 3 tits.
Vauxhall Almera - I got to over 50's nights for a social life.
Vauxhall Astra - I've just got onto the property ladder.
Vauxhall Corsa - I'm single, but at least I'm not a hairdresser.
Vauxhall Frontera - I'm going through my mid-life crisis & want to own a Winnebago.
Vauxhall Nova - Essex-boy-racer & drug-dealer, has had more speeding fines than hot dinners!
Vauxhall Vectra - I've been a butcher, a baker & a candlestick maker.
Vauxhall VX220 - I can't see my feet, as my balls are too big.
Volkswagen Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagen Golf- I am out of the closet.
Volkswagen Golf Convertible - I'm still hiding in the closet, but one day. . .
Volkswagen Microbus- I am tripping right now.
Volkswagen Polo - I own my own salon, but use too much salt on my food.
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife.
Volvo S40 - I'm getting a personalized plate to compensate for not having a Merc.
What's funnier than a baby nailed to a tree?

A baby nailed to five trees.
Here's my favourite joke :D

There's this inflatable boy and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom. As he walks down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatbale school gates. Just as he gets past the inflatable gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

Shaking his deflated head, the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
A polar bear walks into a bar, he turns to the barman and says "I'll have a Gin and..
tonic please"

The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?"

The bear looks down at his paws, shrugs his shoulders and say "Dunno, I've always had them"