The Joke Thread

thevictor390

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To be honest, I knew exactly what kind of joke it was as soon as I saw the length, but I read it anyway :p
 

shad_68

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I think the more than infuriatingly pun-tastic joke is actually made up for by the pretty nice story it's hidden in. I quite enjoyed reading it, to be honest.
 
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47

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OMG...I can't stop laughing!

I haven't read that much since high school! I just had to get to the end, to se what's the punchline!!

Nice story btw, there's a movie there somewhere :D
 

wasil

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Just read the huge joke :mrgreen:

And I just copy pasted it to MS Word to check the word count which happens to be 10,849 words.
 
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chaos386

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I think the more than infuriatingly pun-tastic joke is actually made up for by the pretty nice story it's hidden in. I quite enjoyed reading it, to be honest.
Same here. Works a lot better as a short story than as a joke, to be honest. :)

Just read the huge joke :mrgreen:

And I just copy pasted it to MS Word to check the word count which happens to be 10,849 words.
Fun fact: that's roughly 1/6th of the way towards being a novel instead of a short story.
 

brydie76

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:(

That joke mad me sad. Poor snakey. And I'm scared of snakes!
 

Sir Stiggington

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How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
 

Soup?

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A woman gave birth to twins, but unable to support them, put them up for adoption.
Years later, having felt guilty for all that time, she hires a private investigator to track down the children.
After several months and several thousand pounds worth of travel, the investigator finally return with files on the two children. He informs the lady that the twins were split up and adopted by different families, one Mexican & one Arab. The Arab family had named their child Amal, while the Mexican family had opted for the traditional Spanish name Juan. The investigator told the woman that both had grown up into bright, happy, healthy boys, but he had only managed to photograph the boy that had been adopted by the Mexican family. The woman protested
"But i paid you to track them both down!"
The investigator replied
"They're twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal..."
 

Soup?

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Sorry for the double post, but I've got a quick one for the math geeks in the audience:

There were three Native squaws. One slept on deer skin; another slept on elk skin; the third slept on the skin of a hippopotamus. All three became pregnant. Each of the first two had a baby boy. The one who slept on hippo skin had twin boys.
This proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


Anyone who doesn't get it... don't worry about it.
 

Sir Stiggington

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A woman gave birth to twins, but unable to support them, put them up for adoption.
Years later, having felt guilty for all that time, she hires a private investigator to track down the children.
After several months and several thousand pounds worth of travel, the investigator finally return with files on the two children. He informs the lady that the twins were split up and adopted by different families, one Mexican & one Arab. The Arab family had named their child Amal, while the Mexican family had opted for the traditional Spanish name Juan. The investigator told the woman that both had grown up into bright, happy, healthy boys, but he had only managed to photograph the boy that had been adopted by the Mexican family. The woman protested
"But i paid you to track them both down!"
The investigator replied
"They're twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal..."
Lol, that only works if you say Juan and Amal the English, and way rather than the proper way...
 

LP

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Paraphrasing here:

In an Indian tribe, the chief is having some real bad constipation.

So the chief's aid goes to the tribal medicine man and explains the problem to him. The medicine man prescribes some oil, which he's supposed to take a small dose for 1 day, and it should cure the problem.

The aid goes and gives the oil to the chief, comes back to the medicine man and goes

"Big Chief, no shit"

So the medicine man, thinks, mixes some different levels of the concoction and asks him to increase the dosage.

Tribal aid goes back to the chief, gives the new dosage. He comes back to the medicine man the next day and says

"Big Chief, no shit"

So they increase the dosage again, tribal man goes to the chief, gives him the new dosage.

He comes back to the medicine man.

"Big Chief, no shit"

The medicine man is so frustrated, he can't possibly understand what's going on, so he tells the aid to give him half a bottle of the medicine, and see if that fixes it.

The aid goes and gives the new dosage, loading up half the bottle.

Comes back to the medicine man the next day

"Big shit no Chief"
 

Buffy_09

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A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to New York on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies..."Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 

SadOldBint

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You do know what they say about older women: feels like waving a baguette in Madison Square Garden.

Women are like parking spaces...normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
You know why black people are afraid of chainsaws ? When you start it up, it goes "Rrunnnn-niga-diediediediedie..."
I've heard a different version of this one ...

Why are men like parking spaces?

All the good ones are taken, and all the ones that are left are either disabled or too small :mrgreen:
 

Sir Stiggington

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'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
 
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