The Joke Thread

awdrifter

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One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his father about Government.

His father broke it down for him saying he is the President since he is in charge of the house, Johnny's mother is the congress since she helps him make decisions, Johnny's nanny is the working people since she works to keep the home running, and Johnny is the future since he is only a child.
His father told Johnny to go to bed and think about what he said.

That night Johnny woke up because he had accidentally pooped himself, so he went into his parents room. His mother was asleep and his father was not there. He tried to wake his mother but she wouldnt wake up. So he decided to get his nanny. When he got to his nanny's room he found the door locked. Desperate Johnny looked through the keyhole to see his father having sex with his nanny.
With that Johnny went back to bed and cried himself to sleep.

The next morning his father came into his room and asked if he figured out government yet. Johnny said he did so his father asked to here it. So Johnny clears his throat and says: While congress is sleeping the president is fucking over the people and the future is sitting in deep shit!
 

october

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Man walks into a hotel. He goes up to the reception desk & says:

"I'd like a suite with a view please"

The receptionist gave him a Polo mint....

:mrgreen:
 

awdrifter

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Supposedly these are all real quotes of Bush.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/piehigher.asp

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
By George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It?s a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is out children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
Families is where out nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

:lol:
 

october

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AHEM....Silence in Court....

The accused is on trial & on the stand. He is chewing gum loudly as he is quite nervous. The Judge hears his chewing & is not pleased.

The court clerk isn't the sharpest tool in the box but a nice guy anyways. The Judge calls him over & whispers to him:

"Would you please tell that man to stop masticating."

The court clerk goes over to the accused & whispers in his ear:

"The Judge wants you to take your hands out of your pockets"...

:mrgreen:
 

awdrifter

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CHEAP SEX

A couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
Moe says, "Will you watch us make love?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. "

He thanks them for Coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are
you trying to find out?"

Moe says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married,
and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50,
and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 

jakifirbec

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The serbian octopuss recipe

1 x octopuss (big)
1 x young pig (15-17kg)

Put the pig on a spit and roast for about 5-6 hours (depends on the weight)
Cook the octopuss for about an hour.

When the pig is done, take the octopuss and throw it to dogs so they will leave you and the pig alone.

Cold beer goes nicely with the pig.
 

Top Geek

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Canadaland :)
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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."

Hehe, reminds of a similar one:

An atheist is walking through the forest when he encounters a hungry grizzly bear. He falls to the ground and prays for God to save him. God responds, "So, only in your time of need you come to me? Do you believe now?" The atheist returns the comment, "Well...ye-no. No. But, can you make the bear a believer?" Immediately the bear, knelled down and began to pray: "Come Lord Jesus, be our guest..."

what the **** is wrong with you
Maybe he just likes polar bears. Just a guess ;)
 

october

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Paddy was driving home pissed as a fart. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another tree & then another!

A cop car pulls him over as he's swerving all over the road!

Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road.

"Ah for fucks sakes Paddy" the cop says

"That was just your air freshner!"

:mrgreen:
 

Cryptopygia

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Whichever car is still working
What do you lose when you mix Mr. Righty, furry pr0n, and an unlocked door?

Every last shred of respect you had with everyone you know.


A guy sees a light at the end of a tunnel.

A train enters a tunnel.


A woman walks into an auto parts store. She approaches the counter to speak with the clerk, who is glad to help her. He asks what part she requires. She responds, "An oil cap." "Certainly," replies the clerk, typing the information into his computer. "What size?" "Thirty-five ounces," she answers. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that please?" ask the clerk. She does. "What car do you drive, ma'am?" he asks. She gives her answer: "A Nissan Thirty-five ounce."

Nissan 35 Oz


A guy buys a TVR.

Heaven gains a new angel.


A guy buys an Alfa Romeo.

He sells it for all it's worth tomorrow: nothing.


Notice there are no macabre baby jokes here?

Well, now there is...


Guy buys an old Cadillac.

He opens the glove compartment to see that the dealer threw in complimentary sea-sickness pills.

:drums:
 

WellsieTRD

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While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, "Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy
 

awdrifter

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A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an economist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."



Source: Laurence J. Peter.
 

stevanford1

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A new employee is being trained on how to sell the products available at the shop. At the end of the month the boss who is going through all of the sales records sees that the new employee had sold over $100,000 in products during a single sale. He goes to the employee and asks him how he sold that much in just one sale. The employee replied that the buyer was going fishing and he needed a new rod. The employee suggested that he might need a new tackle box and tackle and the buyer agreed and decided to buy it. The employee then asked the man where he was going fishing and the customer replied i don't know yet maybe out in the ocean. The employee then suggests that he should get a new boat and trailer and the customer agrees. He then sees the car and says to the customer you can't tow that boat with a little hatchback and the customer agrees and buys a 4wd. The boss then asks the employee 'you sold all that when the customer only wanted a fishing rod?' The employee replies no, that the customer came in for tampons said "my weekends fucked" and i might as well go fishing!
 

CrzRsn

So long, and thanks for all the fish
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I have a huge 114 page collection of humor and funny stuff. If anyone wants I can post it here (as a linked file)

Also, if you people don't mind, can I add the jokes posted here to the file?
 

klutch

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I've got some good (offensive) ones here. Don't click if you're easily offended, pregnant, female, black, muslim, a baby, jewish, or a pedophile. Seriously, don't click if you're easily offended, these are pretty nasty.

What's the differance between Santa and Jews?
Santa goes down the chimney

Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands

Why have women never been to the moon?
Nothing needs to be cleaned there yet

Why do niggers stunk?
so blind people can hate them too

What do you call a ****** in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch Manager

What is a nigger?
proof that skunks fuck monkeys

Why is interrogating a mexican like playing pool?
The harder you hit the more english you get

A chink, spic, redneck and ****** are all in a car. Who's driving?
The cop

Why do jews have big noses?
Air is free

A pedophile and a 6 year old are walking into the woods at dusk. The kid says "I don't wanna go in there it looks scarey." The pedophile says "how do you think I feel. I have to walk out alone."

How do you make a little boy cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"


A guy and a girl are having sex, and the girl says, "Don't you think it was presumptuous of you to think you could sleep with me on the first date?"
The man replies, "Don't you think 'presumptuous' is a big word for a second-grader?"


What's the best thing about fucking a two year old?
Your dick looks huge in the photographs!


What did one pedophile say to the other?
"I'll give you two fives for a ten."


A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"


A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."


What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
"I feel like a kid again."


What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in the basement of my house.


What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.


A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room.
He asks the first man, who replies: "I hold a porno mag."
The second says: "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net."
The third says: "I hold a sponge."
The researcher, startled, says: "Why a sponge?"
"Well, I've got to use something to bathe the kids."


What's the best part about fucking a six-year-old girl?
When you're done, you can turn her over and pretend you're fucking a six-year-old boy!



A young girl goes to her father and says, "Dad, can I go to the prom?"
He leers at her and says, "Sure, but you have to suck my dick first."
Well, the girl really wants to go to the prom, so reluctantly she pulls down his zipper and begins sucking. After a while, she looks up at him and says: "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
He says, "I know. Your brother wanted to go too!"


How do you stop an 8-year-old boy from choking?
Take your dick out of his mouth.


What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in the trunk of my car.



A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's a Penis, honey."
"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.
"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."


Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
Free delivery.


What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot ?
A pedophile's ass.
 

klutch

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Do it for me.
A German, a Hispanic and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Hispanic, ?You?re in charge of sweeping.? He then jabs a thin finger at the German, ?You?re in charge of digging.? Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, ?And you?re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.?

Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the German and Hispanic standing beside it. ?Why didn?t you touch it?? he says. The German looks at him. ?We didn?t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies but he disappeared and we couldn?t find him.? Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Asian. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. ?Supplies!? he yells.
 

klutch

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Do it for me.
While I was riding my bike down the freeway the other day, going faster than i should, i passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side lying in wait with a radar gun. He pulled me over, walked up to the bike and, with a sarcastic patronising smirk, asked, "Runway too short, sonny?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
" What do you do for a living?" he asked

" I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded
The copper was surprized and confused. " A what? A rectum-strecher? And just what does a rectum-strecher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, and i work side-to-side untill i can get both hands in, and i slowly stretch the hole untill it's about six feet."

" And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" the copper tentatively enquired.

I politely replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
 
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