The Joke Thread

THE PERKS OF BEING 40 & OVER

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses
10.You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
11.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14.You sing along with elevator music.
15.Your eyes won't get much worse.
16.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17.Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
 
A priest is checking into a hotel. At Reception he asks the desk clerk "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No, Father," comes the reply, "It's just regular porn you sick bastard!"
 
Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how
impressive the pitch is looking.
"It ought to," replied the groundsman,
"We put 70 million quid's worth of shit on it every week."

Q: Whats the difference between Gordon Ramsey
and a cross country run?

A: One is a pant in the country, the other is a c&%t in a pantry.

A guy walks into the pub and orders double whiskey after double whiskey.
"Hard day at the office?" asks the landlord. "Yeah, I was having sex with a patient today and she bit me."
"Lighten up," says the landlord, "you're not the first doctor to have sex with a patient."
"Yeah, but I'm a vet."

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
 
A young man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jagermeister.

"Celebrating something?" asks the barman.

"Yes, my first blow job," comes the reply.

"In that case," the barman says, "have another one on me."

"No offence," replies the young man, "but if 6 of them don't get rid of the taste........"
 
A friend told me this one:

George Bush goes to visit an elementary school, and asks the children if they know the meaning of tragedy.

The first child replies: "a tragedy is if a person dies in a car crash."
George Bush responds: "no, that would be an accident."

Another child replies: "a tragedy is 100 people die in an earthquake."
George Bush responds: "no, that would be a great loss."

The child sat nearest to him replies: "a tragedy is if you die from a plane crash."
George Bush, looking bemused, asks the child "How did you figure that out?"

The child answers: "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
:drums:
 
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

"Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, Juande?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger."

"You can buy 'Spurs, The Glory Years' from most shops, priced ?200. That's ?5 for the tape and ?195 for the Betamax player."
 
I posted it elsewhere, but I forgot about this thread:

Q: What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
A:
Dr. Dre.
 
I tried to make an appointment with one of the doctors at the local practice.

Dr Asperger's secretary said he was really busy with something.

Dr Alzheimer's said he had got lost on the way to work.

Dr Tourette's told me to fuck off

Dr Heimlich's gave me a big hug, and I felt better
 
Last in Line:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!
 
That reminds me of another joke:

A bear is trying to eat a rabbit, and in the tussle in the woods, they rub up against a magic lamp. A genie pops out, and say "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp. Normally, I would give the finder 3 wishes, but since the two of you, you can each have three wishes."

The bear bullies the rabbit, and says "Me first! I want to be the most handsome bear ever"

Genie: "Granted." The bear's fur is cleaned and groomed, his teeth are cleaned, and he's made bigger, and burlier."

The rabbit goes next: "I'll take a helmet, please."

The genie says "Granted."

The gives a strange look to the rabbit, shakes his head, and makes his second wish. "I want all of the female bears to only be attracted to me."

"Granted," says the genie. "Rabbit, wish for anything in the world."

The rabbit says "I'd like a motorcycle please."

Now the genie is even confused by the strange request, and says "Granted." The rabbit puts on his little helmet, and hops on the bike.

The bear makes his final wish. "Genie, I want to be the only male bear in the woods."

"Granted."

The rabbit starts up the bike, and puts it in gear. "What shall be your final wish, rabbit?"

The rabbit looks at the bear and says, "Make him gay" as he jets off into the sunset on his motorcycle.
 
A baby seal walks into a club....


Sorry that's my favorite joke.
 
Three guys, a New South Welshman, a South Australian, and a Victorian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes total," says the Genie.

The New South Welshman says, " I want the land to be forever fertile in New South Wales."

With a blink of the Genies eye, "FOOM," the land in New South Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Victorian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Victoria, that is about 150 metres high, 50 metres thick and completely surrounds the state of Victoria. Nothing can get in or out so that nobody can come into our state."

Again, with the blink of the Genies eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Victoria.

The South Australian says, "Fill it with water."
 
So there's been a Toyota concept car called the 1/x, which is supposed to be all-electric. They've recently announced that they'll offer a wood trim package, made from natural log derivative.
 
bigotry, n. A larger oak.

(Say it out loud)
 
Some one told me this one and i really fell over laughing.

A Panda walks into a Pizza Parlor, orders some pizza and sits. Having finished eating, he takes a look at the bill and just heads for the door. The manager and waiter try to stop him, saying the he has to pay for his food. ON hearing this he pulls out a pistol and lets off a few rounds. The workers, terrified, ask him what the hell he's doing. He pulls out a dictionary and flips to the entry for Panda. It reads, "Small black and white bear, native to Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."
 
Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one.



Sound advice from the Necrophiliac's Handbook.
 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t.. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008 ."
Click to expand...

http://forums.corvetteforum.com/pol.../2198820-friday-funny-new-indian-student.html
 
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