The Joke Thread

Lab Rabbit said:
One day, this rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he
asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied sadly, "I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
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Vampire Bat said:
A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
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Cobol74 said:
Take 4 years off that date and I think a better fit to the joke.
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No kidding. I heard the same one about the first tuesday of november 2000.
 
A couple of quick one-liners:

What's Red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
An obsessive-compulsive with a cheese grater.


What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
 
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset?

Neither did she.

(Hello. Is this Hell? I'd like to reserve a seat...)
 
How do you make a dog meow?









Freeze him and run him through a bandsaw...


mmmeeeeeeooooooowwwwww
 
Caution: The below posted jokes are offensive. Do not read if you are under the age of 18, female, pregnant, black, or disabled.



Christmas Diet plan,

If your woman has put on some weight over the holidays, suggest some exercise. Get her to walk three miles in the morning and three miles in the evening. In a week the fat bitch will be 42 miles away.

Too young,

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? You have to make airplane sounds to get your dick in her mouth.

Cider treatment,

A little girl ran crying to her mother, asking for a glass of cider. "What do you want a glass of cider for?" "I've cut my hand on a thorn." explains the child, "and I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she feels a lot better once it's in cider."

Daddy's Job,

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dad's do for a living. Little Mary says, "My dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says, "My dad is a doctor, He makes sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead.", " I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
 
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


So this little black kid has been given the task of painting the back fence white. He gets the job done but gets white paint all over himself in the process. His mom beats him around and cusses him out for being so stupid and sloppy and tells him not to clean up but to wait in his room without dinner so her boyfriend can see what he did. When the boyfriend shows up, he smacks the kid upside the head, calls him a worthless little shit, makes fun of him for looking like a ghost and asks him what he has to say for himself, to which the kid replies, "I ain't been white very long, but I hate you fuckin' niggers already."



What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?































Walking!









A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'



She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'





A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandfather, "Hey, Grandad, know how old I am today?"

He says, "Come closer..."

He unzips his jeans and reaches his thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

He fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then he says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

He says, "I heard you tell your father."





What do you do after you rape a deaf and dumb kid?

Break their fingers so they can't tell anyone.
 
A young kid is playing outside an orphanage and he sees a man coming out zipping his pants. So as a curious lad he follows the man home, knocks on his door and says:
"I know where you have been!"
"Shut up kid, here's 50$, forget it!" the man replies.

So the kid goes home and tells his dad how he got the money. His dad's furious and tells the kid to go donate the money and confess his sins.
Kid comes back with 100$
"Now I know where the man works!"
 
A wife dumps on her hubby:
- You are so goddamn pathetic, you know that? You can't do shit right, you're a pathetic little asshole. If there were ever Pathetic Olympics you'd come second.
- Second? Why second?
- Because you are so fucking pathetic, that's why.
 
Have you heard the one about sex?

Nah, you'll never get it.


I've got a good one about masturbation but I'm keeping it to myself.
 
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'
 
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Y2K Program
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
 
Mh, hope it wasn't posted yet didn't read all the pages so far.

A woman has a serious accident and is in a coma. After several days she still didn't wake up but slowly start stinking.
So the nurse doesn't have choice than to undress her and wash her. While she is cleaning the vulva area gently the machine monitoring her brain function starts showing massive brain activity.

She tells the chief of medicine who figures that they might be able to wake her by stimulation but since this is unethical to do they speak to her husband and tell him that oral sex might improve her condition and whether he is willing to do that although this is an awkward situation for everybody. The husband thinks about that for a short while and finally agrees.

So the hospital staff leaves them their privacy... but for

2 minutes...
3 minutes
...
10 minutes nothing happens

Then, all of a sudden alarm siren is ringing, red light flashing above the door!
The doctors and nurses rush into the room and see the husband closing his zipper crying and hear him saying: "Bad idea :( I think she just suffocated" :cry::cry::cry:
 
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What's better then an all you can eat Buffet?

An elementary school


Why were cameras invented?

Children move too damn much



How do you shut a woman up?

Stick a dick in her mouth,

How do you shut her baby up?

You already did, now shut the woman up


Why were school buses invented?

Phedophiles need a day job too


How do you put your dick in your Grandma?

Carefully

How do you take it out?

The Price is Right


What's better then a 92 year old's asshole?

Nine, two year old's assholes


What do you get when combine Potatoes and Politicians?

A Dictator,

What do you get when they are on a boat?

A Dictatorship
 
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Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
 
What did Sven and Ole get after reading Penthouse?

Norwegian wood.


*pelted with lutefisk*
 
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