The Joke Thread

The maths teacher asks the class: "There are 4 birds sitting in a tree, a hunter comes by and shoots one of them, how many are left?"
Peter raises his and and answers: "None, the other birds fly away"
The teacher is astonished and says: "This is maths and the correct answer is 3, but I like the way you think."
Peter smiles and says: "Okay, can I ask you a question?"
The teacher answers yes.
Peter: "Three women go to an ice cream shop and buy an ice cream each. The first licks her ice cream, the second sucks on her ice cream and the third one bites hers. Which of the 3 women are married?"
When the teacher hears the question she blushes a little, gets angry and says: "Young man, I did not become a teacher at this place to listen to your smutty comments."
Peter laughs: "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
 
Giraffes have a lung capacity of 16 litres. It's such a shame there are hardly any starring opera roles written with giraffes in mind.
 
Giraffes have a lung capacity of 16 litres. It's such a shame there are hardly any starring opera roles written with giraffes in mind.

Germaine here agrees with you.
 
Plucked from my facebook page,

Friend: Imagine if the Coffee Club owned Queensland Rail.
Me: That'd be awesome; an express train would be an espresso train.
Friend: Oh no, my train is running latte!
 
My mother said to me the other say "What's the world coming to?"

I replied "Internet porn, mostly."

____________________________

Don't waste your money buying expensive protein shakes....

....... just stir your coffee with your wank sock.
 
I had a girlfriend that choked to death.

...

It was a terrible blow.
 
Could be late, but it's time to revive this thread
Some are spoiler'd because some are quite distasteful, but here we go

Trying to find a hot girl to have sex with is like trying to find a decent parking space:
Sometimes all the good ones are taken...
... so the best thing to do is to slip it in a disabled one.

Why did Hitler shoot himself?
Because he saw the gas bill

Did you hear about that devil worshiper with Dyslexia?
He sold his soul to Santana.

So a little girl is in the shower with her mom and sees her breasts. The girl asks her mother, ''Will I get those to when I grow up ?'' ''Yes you will," the mother answers. The next day, the little girl showers with her dad and she sees his penis. She asks, ''Will I get that too when I grow up?' and he answers,
''If you don't tell your mom, you can get it right now"

How can you fit four gay people on a stool?
By turning it over.

There were four gay guys sitting in a pool, and then they see some semen floating at the surface.
Then one of them says, "Okay, who farted?"

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking once you slap it

So, I beat my wife at Dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings

If a tree falls on a woman, and nobody else is around, does she make a sound?
Of course not, there are no trees in the kitchen

"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
Not the best move Anne Frank ever made

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS?
It never gets old
 
^some of them were actually funny :lol:

i have a good one

a boat has sunk and a priest, a rabbi, an imam and a Buddhist monk are together in a rescue raft in the middle of the sea. They are discussing the rich traditions and vast differences between their proper religions. After the raft has been found and everyone is saved, they split up with great mutual respect and a better understanding of the world

that cracked me up :lol:
 
So a little girl is in the shower with her mom and sees her breasts. The girl asks her mother, ''Will I get those to when I grow up ?'' ''Yes you will," the mother answers. The next day, the little girl showers with her dad and she sees his penis. She asks, ''Will I get that too when I grow up?' and he answers,
''If you don't tell your mom, you can get it right now"
:lmao:
 
Why should you not wear boxer shorts in Ukraine?

Cos Chernobyl fallout!
 
MEDICAL RESEARCH
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

An Australian Love Poem
[FONT=&quot]Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
[FONT=&quot]
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it?s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
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I'm becoming more convinced that a Bostonian would fit in perfectly in Australia; the accent, the alcoholism, and an obsession with a sport called football. Granted the actual sport isn't the same but the name is.
 
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, What ya got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"

Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"

Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, What ya got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, What ya got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
 
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I got these from a email today so I guess they are quite old, but since I found them funny I thought to post them here :D.....

Side effects of alcohol and remedies!

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure: Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward .
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it !
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
 
What's the best thing about being Santa Claus...

knowing where all the naughty girls live
 
I don't want the joke thread to die so I found a joke off the comments of youtube...

there are 3 people at the cafe the 1st guy says "i bet i have the smallest arms in the world"

the 2nd guy says "i bet i have the smallest legs in the world"

the 3rd guy says "i bet i have the smallest d*ck in the world"

they all check the world record book

the 1rst guy says "i do have the? smallest arms!!!"

the 2nd guy says "i do have the smallest legs in the world!!"

the 3rd guy screams and says " who the fuck is justin? beiber!!!"
 
No offence Cheryl Cole, but I could eat alphabet spaghetti and shit better lyrics than you.
 
it's red, and smells like blue paint?

red paint :p
 
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