The Joke Thread

A priest walks into a bar with a rabbit and an iMac.

The bartender looks up and says "Father, I think your friends are typos."
 
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A priest walks into a bar with a rabbit and an iMac.

The bartender looks up and says "Father, I think your friends are typos."

i needed assistance...but my gf got it!
 
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I grew up in a boring, nondescript Lancashire market town that was however just a little bit like Las Vegas.

You could pay for sex with chips.
 
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?..... He got the sack!!


o_O
 
So Boris Johnson is celebrating the birth of his sixth child.

Of course that's only counting the ones born in hospital, the real figure may well be much higher.
 
The problem with Canada is that it could have had British culture, French cooking and American technology, but instead it has American culture, British cooking and French technology.
 
The problem with Canadians is that half of them speak French and the other half let's them get away with it.
 
Guy gets a text from his brother, "Your cat's dead."

He calls his brother back. "Dude, WTF? That's not how to break bad news to someone."

"Well how am I supposed to do it?"

"OK so first you text me to say that the cat was chasing a squirrel and got stuck in the big tree in the back yard. Then a second to say you've called animal rescue to help get her down. The third text to say animal rescue have arrived and the dude is going up the ladder to get the cat..."

"Erm, OK..."

"Then finally you CALL me to tell me you're really sorry but the rescue guy slipped, fell off the ladder and landed on top of the cat. The vet did all she could but..."

"I hear you, man, I'm sorry"

"That's OK. So how's Mom?"

"Well, Mom was chasing a squirrel..."
 
Kia are launching a car for men who don't last very long in bed.

The Pre-Ceed.

Sent from my BAH2-W19 using Tapatalk
 
"Do you want to marry me?"

"Err, no..."

Three hours of awkward silence in the hot air balloon...
 
I think I may have written one...I'm a bit sheepish to share it because I simultaneously thinks it's one of the cleverest things I've ever come up with, and also that it's absolutely terrible and I should feel ashamed for my pride in something so bad.

So now that I've set both realistic and completely unobtainable expectations, I now present to you, "The One About French Poet Sandwiches:"

*ahem*

Q: How do French poets order their turkey sandwiches?

A: Ennuit
 
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How many Germans does it take to screw a light bulb? One. They are very efficient and have no sense of humour.
 
My favorite "how many _____ does it take..." variant:

Q: How many humans of a specific demographic does it take to perform a task?

A: A finite quantity. One to perform the task, and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the previously-specified demographic.
 
Today, I met the love of my life. She said I reminded her of Leonardo DiCaprio....from..sm...can't remember...something about grapes...
 
Today, I met the love of my life. She said I reminded her of Leonardo DiCaprio....from..sm...can't remember...something about grapes...

What’s eating you?
 
Do you believe in Feng Shui?

Well I was at a restaurant once that was owned by a man who does. He had everything arranged to face north. I know nothing about Feng Shui but I do have a compass on my phone and could see that he had the whole lot 90 degrees out.

Being a helpful person I told him about it, however he insisted that he was right and I was wrong. He even claimed that the powers in the building were messing with the compass on my phone. Not wanting to argue, I just left.

Anyway I went back recently and the place had changed. I asked him about it and he admitted that he was wrong after all. He'd corrected everything to face the correct direction.

Oh how the tables have turned.
 
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