Wacky Races - RACE THREAD

Lupin: We must be on the right track.
Shatner: How can you tell? This navigation system doesn't even show a road here.
Lupin: Well, Bill, we just passed the flaming time of an Austin Metro.
Shatner: What? How could you tell that was off a Metro?
Lupin: We passed the car a mile before that while you were playing with the GPS.
Shatner: ...
Lupin: Oh yeah, isn't it about time for you to drive?
 
After a swift pitstop and a paint touch up (literally) we're back on the road with the others.

Seeing Von Smythe throw out the anchors in up ahead give me a flashback of the M25-Rolls incident, and I immediately try to swerve around it, clipping the Metro and sending the Plymouth into a massive spin.
 
Our air force is on alert. The smoke is pissing off environmentalists though. One actually fell into one of the straight pipes, but they were promptly removed.

back into snooze mode. might not post again until the end.
 
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Team RF1 is so concerned with our weapons recharging, we did not notice Von Smythe slam the brakes. We try to swerve and avoid the back of the Signature Series Rolls-Royce, but to no avail. We give it a hard smack on the left-hand side, crippling the car. Team Owner gets out to survey the damage, and is greeted with a horrifying sight. The entire left-front is pushed over to the middle of the car, the tire is no where to be seen, the left-side door and rear fender have major damage, and the reactor core is off-line. It's estimated repairs will take 8-10 hours, plus the hour or so it takes the crew to get here.
 
"Wadsworth, I'm in the mood for caviare. Send down the helicopter."
"Certainly, sir. Right away, sir."
 
Last report from Team Espace F1 for today.

The drivetrain is in a very bad way. The engine's right bank of cylinders is nearing failure, the engine electrics are fried, the clutch is broken, the gearbox is jammed in 2nd and the differential is still broken. Unfortunately, going deeper, it appears that there are also major issues with the power steering and with the throttle and hydraulics' pump. If this car is not repaired before the sun is up around here, we will have to abandon it and cramp ourselves in the three spare Peugeot 908 HDi FAP.

At least those things withstood the punishment of a 24-hour race without issues, so it would give us more hope of finishing the race.


EDIT: Erm... why has this been moved to the Game Forum?
 
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Pitboard: "We have the lead pack in our sights. Keep within the slipstream."
 
James: Jessie?

Jessie: Yeah?

James: What do we have in terms of immediate weapons?

Jessie: As in?

James: Something not launched from a silo, and takes minutes to reach it's target?

Jessie: Yes, we do. I'll reveal them when we close in on VonSmythe.

James: Alright. This should be good.

Jessie: Also, remember that Glorbibat portal device.

James: All too well.

Jessie: Well, I've taken it, and incorporated elements from an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device-

James: You're copying Portal?

Jessie: We've already blatantly stolen from Half-Life 2 and Team Fortress 2, I don't see how stealing from Portal will be any different.

James: Whatever.

Jessie: Anyway, it's now incorporated into my robotics, so we have one more weapon. Also, prepare to fire.

James: I'm actually enjoying this, believe it or not. A good meal, a good beer, best seat in the house.

Jessie: What are you having, by the way?

James: Fish 'n' chips. Why?

Jessie: Just wondering...
 
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Pitboard: "We are in Casablanca."

Michael Palin (talking to camera, filming for documentary): "It may be a popular tourist destination today, but the coastal city of Casablanca still remains as serene and as magical as it ever was. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens here."

(Turns around only to find a cat on a motorcycle, a mutant Espace and a plasticine figurine called Morph blowing each other's brains apart)

Michael Palin: "Ur... can we cut that bit out?:lol:"
 
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Pitboard: "As you can see, you're just behind Von Smythe. We believe there's a weak spot on his car, and it's his diffuser. You know what to do Clay. Ready, Aim, Fire."
 
*Power failure and heavy shutter*
*Annoyed*"What have you done now, Wadsworth?"
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm not sure what just happened."
"Well get it fixed or you'll get out of the car and push!"
"Right away, sir. Terribly sorry, sir."
 
Jessie: Targeting... and... firing...

Two portal are placed, positioned exactly so that VonSmythe is trapped in an infinite loop of falling.

James: I don't think VonSmythe expected that...
 
Astonishingly, the 504 is making decent progress, even with fifteen suitcases piled up on the roof. Shouty German voices on the radio were berating us for losing the car, but one cannot simply dust for Audis. Heidi manged to calm them down by saying the car was a red colour and would put Marlboro logos on the side at the next pitstop to please our sponsors.

Meanwhile, somebody in Africa has just taken ownership of a brand new Avus Performance Audi RS6.
 
"Sodding DSRacing BASTARDS!"
"Sir, what should I do now."
"I don't care if you destroy the electronics. Overpower and surge the car and break us out of this contraption. I'm going to be sick."
"Right, sir."
 
*Another flash of light.*

Von Smythe found himself on the back of a Triumph Daytona motorbike.

"You!"
"YOU!"

The bike spins out of control.
 
Jessie: What the hell are you doing on our bike?

Smithy: What are you doing with portals?

Jessie: *Grabs VonSmythe by the throat, grinning evily* Nevermind that. Looks like we will be finishing ahead of you after all, once I've finished with what I plan to do with you.

Smithy: *choked* But we're about to get run over by my car.

Jessie: *relaxes hir grip, looks behind hir* What are you talking aboOH FU-

*Both are hit by an out of control Roller going at top speed.*
 
Von Smythe, wearing his dynamic armour under his ?100,000 suit, was quick to his feet, as Wadsworth pulled the handbrake on the massive Rolls. Von Smythe pulled out a handgun and put five shots in Jessie's head.

"Don't touch me again, you transvestite pikey."
 
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...only for Jessie for get back up (computers taken over again) and unleash a barrage of pulse rifle fire.

Jessie: Targets acquired. Eliminating.

OOC: I'd point out that feature, but the wiki happens to be down, so I can't do that.
 
*A barrage of bullets ricochet off of the Rolls.*

"DON'T EVER do that again, Wadsworth."
"Right. Sorry sir."
"Well don't just sit there. Get us back on the road before that thing regains full conciousness."
"Consider it done, sir."
 
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