It says this is a test of speed, braking and toughness, all in one. You must accelerate to 56 mph, drive through an obstacle and then stop as quickly as possible. Whoever does this in the shortest distance possible will win a year's supply of pies.
What do they mean by... "obstacle"?
What sort of pies?
Well, James, it's your lucky day. This is Final Gear's Official Pie Thread. Post your pies, and don't forget National Pie Day on January 23rd. Back in t'old lab, there would be an annual event (OK, it only happened twice) at a colleague's house (one that was big enough to fit 30-odd people in without being completely ridiculous) to celebrate National Pie Day, and the only rule was: bring a pie of your own making. We called it Piemageddon. Here was my effort.
- Not suitable for vegeterians or meddling do-gooders who are offended on behalf of Muslims, Hindus and other minority religions in the UK who have spefically said they're not offended by the word "Christmas", or its existence.
- No apologies for mixing imperial and metric measures!
You will need a lot of pre-cooked ingredients, such as:
- ? lb roast turkey
- ? lb sausages, preferably grilled - that should be four of a standard pack or three of ranges such as Tesco's Finest. Cumberland sausage comes highly recommended here.
- ? lb streaky bacon, again preferably grilled
- Sage & onion stuffing; make up half of a standard 113g packet with ? pint of water, then roll it into small balls and grill them for about 10 minutes until they turn crisp(ish) on the outside
- ? pint gravy. This is probably too much, actually, but you never know... make it reasonably thick if at all possible, not like brown pisswater, or it'll just gush straight out when you cut the pie.
- jar of cranberry sauce (100-odd grams will do)
- Pastry: 2 ? ready rolled Jus-rol pastry slices, which turn out to be round about 1 lb, will do nicely. Or make up a 1 lb block and roll it into two ? lb circles. You work it all out.
What to do with it all:
Obviously you use one of the pastry circles in an adequately-sized pie dish (which probably needs to be on the large side, I'd imagine...). The pie works best if the ingredients are layered. Add some gravy in the bottom first - just enough to spread out to the full radius of the dish. The first layer should be the turkey - cram about half of it into a single layer. Add gravy to cover the turkey. Slice the sausages into discs, and cut each rasher of bacon in half. The second layer should be composed of the sausage discs and the stuffing balls spread as evenly as possible; add gravy again. The third layer contains the bacon, and - guess what - add more gravy, but make sure that the bacon is *only just* covered. Then, add the rest of the turkey as the fourth layer. Cover this *only just* with more gravy, but this time I don't recommend it. This final layer should instead be covered with a generous amount of cranberry sauce. Spread it as evenly as possible over the turkey, then drop the pastry lid on it, remembering to seal the sides well or you're going to have a gravy volcano and an oven that will require Mr Muscle's Incredibly Nasty And Noxious Oven Cleaner (now with 10% more nitroglycerin). Bake the whole lot at 200?C for somewhere between 30-40 minutes - i.e. until it looks like the pastry is properly baked and not burnt to a black, carcinogenic mess.
Serve to all your friends, other half (or halves) and pet goats, at a highly inappropriate time of year (e.g. June) and make a particular effort to enjoy it in front of squealing vegetarians.
As for how the pie fared at Piemageddon...
The (incredibly tacky plastic) cup on the left was a triumphant award for Best Pie In Show. And the one on the right? Best Experimental Pie, for the one known as Russian Roulette. See below.