Who ate all the pies?

Ironlord

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2006
Messages
812
Location
A dark cave in Sherwood Forest
:jeremy:
It says this is a test of speed, braking and toughness, all in one. You must accelerate to 56 mph, drive through an obstacle and then stop as quickly as possible. Whoever does this in the shortest distance possible will win a year's supply of pies.

:hamster:
What do they mean by... "obstacle"?

:jeremy:
...Doesn't say.

:may:
What sort of pies?

Well, James, it's your lucky day. This is Final Gear's Official Pie Thread. Post your pies, and don't forget National Pie Day on January 23rd. Back in t'old lab, there would be an annual event (OK, it only happened twice) at a colleague's house (one that was big enough to fit 30-odd people in without being completely ridiculous) to celebrate National Pie Day, and the only rule was: bring a pie of your own making. We called it Piemageddon. Here was my effort.

CHRISTMAS PIE

- Not suitable for vegeterians or meddling do-gooders who are offended on behalf of Muslims, Hindus and other minority religions in the UK who have spefically said they're not offended by the word "Christmas", or its existence.
- No apologies for mixing imperial and metric measures!

You will need a lot of pre-cooked ingredients, such as:

- ? lb roast turkey
- ? lb sausages, preferably grilled - that should be four of a standard pack or three of ranges such as Tesco's Finest. Cumberland sausage comes highly recommended here.
- ? lb streaky bacon, again preferably grilled
- Sage & onion stuffing; make up half of a standard 113g packet with ? pint of water, then roll it into small balls and grill them for about 10 minutes until they turn crisp(ish) on the outside
- ? pint gravy. This is probably too much, actually, but you never know... make it reasonably thick if at all possible, not like brown pisswater, or it'll just gush straight out when you cut the pie.
- jar of cranberry sauce (100-odd grams will do)
- Pastry: 2 ? ready rolled Jus-rol pastry slices, which turn out to be round about 1 lb, will do nicely. Or make up a 1 lb block and roll it into two ? lb circles. You work it all out.

What to do with it all:

Obviously you use one of the pastry circles in an adequately-sized pie dish (which probably needs to be on the large side, I'd imagine...). The pie works best if the ingredients are layered. Add some gravy in the bottom first - just enough to spread out to the full radius of the dish. The first layer should be the turkey - cram about half of it into a single layer. Add gravy to cover the turkey. Slice the sausages into discs, and cut each rasher of bacon in half. The second layer should be composed of the sausage discs and the stuffing balls spread as evenly as possible; add gravy again. The third layer contains the bacon, and - guess what - add more gravy, but make sure that the bacon is *only just* covered. Then, add the rest of the turkey as the fourth layer. Cover this *only just* with more gravy, but this time I don't recommend it. This final layer should instead be covered with a generous amount of cranberry sauce. Spread it as evenly as possible over the turkey, then drop the pastry lid on it, remembering to seal the sides well or you're going to have a gravy volcano and an oven that will require Mr Muscle's Incredibly Nasty And Noxious Oven Cleaner (now with 10% more nitroglycerin). Bake the whole lot at 200?C for somewhere between 30-40 minutes - i.e. until it looks like the pastry is properly baked and not burnt to a black, carcinogenic mess.

Serve to all your friends, other half (or halves) and pet goats, at a highly inappropriate time of year (e.g. June) and make a particular effort to enjoy it in front of squealing vegetarians.

As for how the pie fared at Piemageddon...

pie_awards.jpg"


The (incredibly tacky plastic) cup on the left was a triumphant award for Best Pie In Show. And the one on the right? Best Experimental Pie, for the one known as Russian Roulette. See below.
 
Last edited:

Ironlord

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2006
Messages
812
Location
A dark cave in Sherwood Forest
RUSSIAN ROULETTE PIE

ACHTUNG: absolutely, definitely not suitable for kittens, vegetarians, emo kids, xenophobes, those of a nervous disposition, pregnant women... generally most people except curry-aholics and Geordies.

Take one large, commercially available pork pie and cut it into six even sectors. Carefully remove the meat from all six sectors (this ensures there's no cheating - you'll see). Replace five of them. Now, with the section that is left, very carefully hollow it out with a sharp vegetable knife. If you do this correctly you will have a small sector of meat that fits inside the larger, hollow one - rather than a hacked-up mess which will encourage cheating. Now, cut the flat end off the small sector of meat to form a lid. Do you see where this is going? This will produce a hollow sector of meat with a lid that will look identical to the other sectors except that is hollow. Now finely chop a couple of scorching hot chillies - bird eye chillies are good for this, Scotch bonnets will also do nicely. The higher up the Scoville scale it is, the better the end result will be. Cram as much of the chopped chilli into the hollow sector as possible without ruining it, and replace the "lid". Smooth the excess fat over the "lid" so it at least makes an attempt to seal it. Replace the chilli-filled sector back into the crust.

Now find six victims. Each one must choose a sector of pie, and under no circumstances must they attempt to find out which contains the chilli. It helps if the sector is held crust-down-meat-up (like an arrow pointing to the ceiling...). When the chef gives the word, all the victims must bite straight through the meat simultaneously. No nibbling around it to try and avoid the chilli hit AT ALL. One victim should now be screaming in agony.
 

Karoug

Techno Viking
Joined
Apr 5, 2006
Messages
6,478
Location
Sweden
Car(s)
Scooter power!!
mmm Taco-pie!!
 

The_Finn

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2005
Messages
4,565
Location
Worcestersheshershire MA
Car(s)
99 Volvo V70R
RUSSIAN ROULETTE PIE

ACHTUNG: absolutely, definitely not suitable for kittens, vegetarians, emo kids, xenophobes, those of a nervous disposition, pregnant women... generally most people except curry-aholics and Geordies.

Take one large, commercially available pork pie and cut it into six even sectors. Carefully remove the meat from all six sectors (this ensures there's no cheating - you'll see). Replace five of them. Now, with the section that is left, very carefully hollow it out with a sharp vegetable knife. If you do this correctly you will have a small sector of meat that fits inside the larger, hollow one - rather than a hacked-up mess which will encourage cheating. Now, cut the flat end off the small sector of meat to form a lid. Do you see where this is going? This will produce a hollow sector of meat with a lid that will look identical to the other sectors except that is hollow. Now finely chop a couple of scorching hot chillies - bird eye chillies are good for this, Scotch bonnets will also do nicely. The higher up the Scoville scale it is, the better the end result will be. Cram as much of the chopped chilli into the hollow sector as possible without ruining it, and replace the "lid". Smooth the excess fat over the "lid" so it at least makes an attempt to seal it. Replace the chilli-filled sector back into the crust.

Now find six victims. Each one must choose a sector of pie, and under no circumstances must they attempt to find out which contains the chilli. It helps if the sector is held crust-down-meat-up (like an arrow pointing to the ceiling...). When the chef gives the word, all the victims must bite straight through the meat simultaneously. No nibbling around it to try and avoid the chilli hit AT ALL. One victim should now be screaming in agony.

This is pure evil..... I LOVE IT... will be doing this only perhaps i make a home made meat pie and use that as my base

EDIT: also christmas pie looks awesome... i may replace turkey with roast beef (or pork roast) as that is what my family tends to have instead of turkey on christmas....
 

Matt2000

An Unfortunate Discovery
DONOR
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
17,424
Location
Four from the top and two from the third row, UK.
Car(s)
'12 MX-5 PRHT, '02 Freelander, '90 Disco 1 Bobtail
I've just been watching a shit load of Zero Punctuation reviews, so the first half of the original post made me lol.

The pies sound nice too, and it's a great idea.
 

NooDle

Ik ben niet alleen lekker met kaas!
Joined
Jul 20, 2005
Messages
10,338
Location
Belgium
Car(s)
Kia EV6 "Mullet"
RUSSIAN ROULETTE PIE

ACHTUNG: absolutely, definitely not suitable for kittens, vegetarians, emo kids, xenophobes, those of a nervous disposition, pregnant women... generally most people except curry-aholics and Geordies.

Take one large, commercially available pork pie and cut it into six even sectors. Carefully remove the meat from all six sectors (this ensures there's no cheating - you'll see). Replace five of them. Now, with the section that is left, very carefully hollow it out with a sharp vegetable knife. If you do this correctly you will have a small sector of meat that fits inside the larger, hollow one - rather than a hacked-up mess which will encourage cheating. Now, cut the flat end off the small sector of meat to form a lid. Do you see where this is going? This will produce a hollow sector of meat with a lid that will look identical to the other sectors except that is hollow. Now finely chop a couple of scorching hot chillies - bird eye chillies are good for this, Scotch bonnets will also do nicely. The higher up the Scoville scale it is, the better the end result will be. Cram as much of the chopped chilli into the hollow sector as possible without ruining it, and replace the "lid". Smooth the excess fat over the "lid" so it at least makes an attempt to seal it. Replace the chilli-filled sector back into the crust.

Now find six victims. Each one must choose a sector of pie, and under no circumstances must they attempt to find out which contains the chilli. It helps if the sector is held crust-down-meat-up (like an arrow pointing to the ceiling...). When the chef gives the word, all the victims must bite straight through the meat simultaneously. No nibbling around it to try and avoid the chilli hit AT ALL. One victim should now be screaming in agony.

you evil man! that's a brilliant idea! :lol:
 

Ironlord

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2006
Messages
812
Location
A dark cave in Sherwood Forest
This is pure evil..... I LOVE IT... will be doing this only perhaps i make a home made meat pie and use that as my base
It could be worse: Russian Roulette Pie MkII will be made with Scotch Bonnets, and I'll chop them really fine so that more chilli ends up in the deadly slice.

When I said "one victim should now be screaming in agony", the victim that night was a Geordie. "Why aye, it's quite nice, y'kna," was his reply.

If you're going to use a pie of your own making, you have to make sure the filling is completely solid so there's no leakage that'll give the game away.

mmm Taco-pie!!
That, or something similar, turned up at Piemageddon as well. There was a pie which had nachos where the crust should have been.

Piemageddon 2006 never happened (although I'm determined to get it going again for 2009) and I was never sure that year whether I would enter an Indian Takeaway Pie or a Chinese Takeaway Pie. If I ever get round to devising these, there will be further entry here.

Also, my ex once made a shepherd's pie that involved spinach. I think she left the recipe round my house. If I ever find it, I'll post it.
 
Last edited:

BlaRo

Little Nudger
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Messages
18,173
Location
Brooklyn
Car(s)
Moto Guzzi V7 Special, Saab 900 Turbo
It could be worse: Russian Roulette Pie MkII will be made with Scotch Bonnets, and I'll chop them really fine so that more chilli ends up in the deadly slice.

Well, damn. That was better than my original idea, that the slice would be covered in barbed wire and cyanide.

That Christmas pie sounds delicious, I'll have to adapt that and make it for Thanksgiving with the inevitable deluge of leftover turkey that always results.
 

Ironlord

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2006
Messages
812
Location
A dark cave in Sherwood Forest
Well, damn. That was better than my original idea, that the slice would be covered in barbed wire and cyanide.
Think about it; the idea is that the intended victim has no idea they're about to get the mouthful of fiery hatred. How would you hide barbed wire in a small chunk of pork pie?

Use small nails instead.

That Christmas pie sounds delicious, I'll have to adapt that and make it for Thanksgiving with the inevitable deluge of leftover turkey that always results.
The deluge of leftover turkey is always a bonus; no idea if the Thanksgiving dinner is any different, but if it is, you could always make a Thanksgiving pie. Which, on my side of the pond, would be empty, and therefore a vol-au-vent instead of a pie.
 

Matt2000

An Unfortunate Discovery
DONOR
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
17,424
Location
Four from the top and two from the third row, UK.
Car(s)
'12 MX-5 PRHT, '02 Freelander, '90 Disco 1 Bobtail
Think about it; the idea is that the intended victim has no idea they're about to get the mouthful of fiery hatred. How would you hide barbed wire in a small chunk of pork pie?

Use a bigger pie maybe? Or quiche, because it's softer so people bite into it more quickly.
 

Gman333-X-ferrari

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2006
Messages
3,822
Location
Melbourne, Australia
Car(s)
Holden Cruze SRi Z-Series, Honda CBR250RR
Someone say pie?

http://pic.armedcats.net/a/an/anonymous/2008/11/14/pi3.14159etc.jpg

:p
 
Top