smib
is a big honkin' homo
But... I hijacked.
Alright, so I found something that meets all of my requirements. They're from a company I despise, and branded by a rap artist, making them stupid, but they fit the bill perfectly. Unless they sound shit. They're Monster Beats Solo HD by Dr Dre, but taken from the "night shift" and sold on DealExtreme. I know they're nowhere close to worth retail(something like $200), but are they worth $75?