The 2nd annual Wacky Race - RACE THREAD.

Nereid said:
Livid at FATMOUSE as we approached the shopping mall entrance, we fired a missile at some stoves where FATMOUSE was in a desperate attempt to melt his car. We spot an overpowered Subaru in the distance taking out Hallmark.
Click to expand...

Its a fiesta.

We fired several anti-tank missiles through the wall and exited rapidly to rain weather.

"Tony, is the roller a problem"
"yes"
"damn. its unstopable"
 
Inside the Mall:

"Mummy, why is the ground shaking?"
[The mother says nothing at first, and then scoops her daughter into her arms.]
"I'm sure everything will be alright. It's probably just nothing."

*BOOM*

/Yes, I know, I'm a murderer.
 
The air raid warning goes off right as FATMOUSE finishes off the last of the tasty shopping center (having decided to leave his subterranean lair and inspect his car in person).

"How violent the other teams are", he thought.

Two GBU-31 JDAMs plunged down in the last known location of the shopping center, now occupied by FATMOUSE's girth. The bombs, with the word 'replica' engraved down the side of each, bounced up off of FATMOUSE's belly fat and exploded in the air. As it turns out, they were actually full of candy. Then FATMOUSE ate lunch and decided to go bowling.

"Carry on with the race", he told the AI.
 
In our rush to get out of the shopping mall as quickly as possible, Team KUIPER hadn't noticed that we'd just taken the lead again, though with a slightly dented front wing in the process. Handling will be affected.
 
"Sir, I've just got word back from our men in the sky. 75% of the building was levelled."
"That is satisfactory enough. Carry on."
 
"Sir, our Dacia is starting to understeer."

"Relax, the nano-technology will sort it out."

(5 minutes later)

"It hasn't sorted it out."

"It seems the onboard computer dosen't register that as damage. We're going to have to live with it."
 
I've got 120 horsepower in this. You don't want any more than that on marble!

As the "Mini" blasted into the mall, a large Mercedes truck in sight (gotta love that Speaker System), it was time for TS-WRC to use his Jeremy Clarkson tape to state the obvious. Or, at least, it would have been the obvious if the car hadn't been equipped with the Team O.R.I.G.I.N-made "All-Grip" tyres.

However, even with the tyres, the masses of power stemming from the Zonda F engine made navigating the mall slightly difficult. Which became immediately apparent as the "Mini" ploughed straight through a set of benches.

Does he have to hit absolutely everything?

"Don't make me throw that thing out the window, Stig.", came the reply as the car swerved around the escalators, following the nearest vehicle along the route.
 
*Crash*

Jessie: "That's a Starbucks kiosk gone. No big loss."

Clay: Relative to the other stuff you've hit. By the way, how's the grip?"

Jessie: "Uh, bad. I can use the ground effects now, but the tires have even less grip on the marble than the snow! *KSSSHHHhhh!* Uh, I just slid the tail through the facade of a Victoria's Secret."

*BOOM*

Jessie: "Aagh! That wasn't me! What the fuck was that?!"

Clay: "Looks like a Eurofighter bomber... Rubble!!"

Jessie swerves past a hunk of ceiling.

Jessie: (now angry) "I'm stopping."

Clay: "WHAT?! We're in a race! You can't just stop."

Jessie: "All right, you steer the truck as it coasts."

Clay: "What the hell are you..."

Jessie opens the door and jumps out of the truck, and lands on the floor. As the truck swerves drunkenly away, anyone passing hir would see a dracat starting to grow...

*A few minutes later...*

News reports of several Eurofighters being attacked and destroyed by a giant dracat filter back. Said mall was mostly leveled by one of the jets, the remainder finished as the dracat grew.

Jessie: (gets back in cab in a cheery mood) "So, what'd I miss?"

Clay: (fur standing on end) "Not much."
 
"It was nice to see the mall in ruins, Wadsworth, but what do we have next on the route."
"Ah, good question sir. It seems we have a dark, narrow 20 km (12+ miles) tunnel ahead."
"Good, the sun was getting a bit old."
 
We are a close second behind Nerid.
"Where is the roller?"
"behind us"
"shit, turn off the road"

The roller passes us, and we continue in third place.
 
While the nuclearati's significantly more than 120 horsepower struggled to gain grip on the shitty linoleum tile of the mall moments before the other frontrunners tore through, the pilots of the machine took a distinctly unorthodox route through the mall, vaporizing all obstacles (whether animate or inanimate) with the TTHC before crashing out the double glass doors and tearing out of the parking lot back onto the open road of the course. Though the driving rain has made visibility a bit poor, the proximity radar of the nuclearati is picking up the unmistakeable radar signatures of team feraname, a dacia, a mini and one really pissed off dracat quickly closing the small lead the maser gained. Jacobfox checks his rearview mirror and says to copilot Andy, "You know what to do. Don't fire until you see the whites of that dracat's eyes."
 
Tata motors called us and asked us why we didnt use an Indica.

We replied
"Because it is a piece of crap"

Our sponsorship got taken away. Fortunately, VW group decided to sponsor us for some reason.

Tony Stewart also left as a result. The co-driver is now Gordon Ramsey.
 
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"Uh, sir, there is an alternative to the tunnel on the map."
"I'm quite sold by the tunnel, but tell me more anyway."
"There is a bridge of much shorter length. It seems to be just wide enough for one car, though reports indicate it hasn't been used in well over a century."
"Let's stick with the tunnel, shall we?"

/The bridge is a rickety old rotting wooden POS, so use at your own risk! (Dangerous shortcut)
 
With the mall (or what was left of it) firmly in the rear-view mirror, Stig's cousin grabs the wheel.

"Okay, looks like we're heading through a tunnel next."

POWERRRRR!!

The External Speakers spring into life again, powering the "Mini" in the direction of the tunnel, following the route on the GPS they were provided with for the race.

After passing by the Arctos truck somewhere in the mall, the team set their sights on what looked like a (very fast-moving) limousine.
 
"I'm hearing reports that an a rickety bridge/tunnel is being scheduled for destruction. Is that true Gordon"

"F*** yes it is. Should blow in a few minutes according to the radio. Now shut up and let me drive"
 
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"Sir, the rear view camera spots a driver dressed in a white costume."
"It's a Stig. If they get too close, deploy sleeping gas and play health and safety speeches. That is his weakness."
"The tunnel is just 2 km ahead, sir."
 
Surprisingly, the DSRacing Actros is parked on the side of the road, as Jessie shouts into the radio...

Jessie: "Attention all racers (except Count Wilhelm von Smythe) You will have to stop. You cannot use either the tunnel or the bridge!"

Every other racer: "Why not?"

At that moment, the scheduled implosion of the Stupidly Long Tunnel commences, with the Roller trapped inside. The shock causes the old bridge to collapse.

Jessie: "That's why."
 
*Rolls enters tunnel, and the entrance explodes behind it.*
"Uh, I wasn't anticipating that, sir."
"It's fine, now the other teams will have to find another way across the great 12 mile-wide river."
"Sir, the exit is also destroyed."
"Uh, that may be a problem. Let me think about it."
 
"Feraname, how are we going to pass the blocked collapsed mountain thing?"
"No clue. We can use the Camanchee's again if there is no alternative."

As I say this, a giant swiss plow thing is cutting down a forest, seeming as if a new road is being made.

"should we take it?"
 
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